Rainy Day - Fiction

As I stand outside as it rains down, I look at the darkened world I live on covered by the clouds. I feel the same darkness cloud my soul. I look for a hole in the clouds for the light to seep through. I close my eyes and I look for that same hole inside me. No matter how hard I look I just can't seem to find that hole. I keep searching and waiting so I sit down. I lean against the wall and just think about my life. I bring my knees up to my chin and bury my head in my arms and feel a tear role down my cheek. I lift my head and I look at the trees again.

Two hours had passed of looking at the trees in the rain. Remembering what I'd done, the pain I've caused everyone. How could I let that happen? She's dead because of me. This is my fault and there's nothing I'll ever be able to do to bring it all back.

I stare back up at the clouds again and I think of her. "Sarah, I'm sorry. It's my fault your dead. I didn't mean for it to happen though honestly. I didn't know I'd cause you so much pain. I can't live with what I've done. I'm so careless and stupid. I'm cold and heartless. I've hurt you so much. I never would have thought it would end like this. Sarah, you we're my best friend, I loved you. I wish I had showed it to you more and I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry for what I said to you. I'm sorry for everything. I should never have come into your life and destroy it for you. I'll miss you, Sarah. But one day I'll see you after I die. I don't deserve to live this life. I took your life. If I could give my life away and give it to you, then I would. Goodbye, Sarah"

I stood up and suddenly it stopped raining, I burst out in tears and the sun shone through a small hole in the clouds. I look up towards the light and I wonder if Sarah did that. She loved me, and I hurt her so much, she gave me her life, and I ripped it up and totally destroyed it. I want to be with her again, to see her beautiful face. Her glowing green eyes that made my heart just melt. As I feel the warmth of the light through my body I feel the spirit of Sarah rush through me. Suddenly my body melts just like my heart and I fall onto my knees and kneel on the wet porch. I run my hands through the puddle of water next to my hand. The tears have stopped and the clouds begin to role away over the passing hour and the porch slowly dry up. I pull out from underneath my blue t-shirt a necklace she had given me a few weeks before she killed herself. It was a heart shaped necklace with a picture of us together. A tear rolls down my face, this time a happy one, of the memory of when that photo was taken. I'll never forget that moment.

I hear the phone ring and I walk inside and answer it. It was my mum. She said she would be about thirty minutes. I quickly get in the shower and throw my wet clothes on the clothesline as if they had just been washed. As I finish getting changed my mum walks through the front door. She had bought a chicken for dinner. My older brother was coming over for dinner as well. I tell my mother I don't feel like eating. She tells me that it's ok and that I don't have to eat it but she asks me to eat just a little bit.

I go into my bedroom and I lie down on my bed. I remember that Sarah had given me her journal and a letter that she told me to never read unless something had happened between us. I walk over to my desk and open the draw with the letter and journal she had given to me two days before she had died. I open the letter and read what she wrote to me.

"To my dearest love, No words can express the pain I am feeling and by now I am already dead. I am sorry I had never told you about my past or shown you but I want you to know that my death was not caused by you. Every relationship has fights and this is not your fault. I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry about this but I just can't go on with my life anymore. The death of my older brother when they were driving back from Queensland hurts so much and I just want to be with them. I haven't told you this before but 3 years ago my best friend killed herself, the pain she had been through, the life she had lived and the physical abuse by her father forced her to do the only thing she could. She killed herself. Halfway through my journal is a piece of paper with everything that's caused me to do this, I wrote it the night before I gave this letter and my journal too you. Please don't do anything to avenge me. I don't want you to get yourself in any trouble. I will always love you to the deepest depths of my heart. Goodbye."

As soon as I put down the letter I burst into tears. I fold the letter back up and put it away with the journal. I can't bring myself to read it. Not yet. I lie down on my bed with the curtains closed and the light on my bedside table shining down on the photo of Sarah and I look at it. Three hours pass and my mum yells out to me that dinner is ready. I pick up the photo and I give it a kiss just to express my feelings to her the only way I can now.

I head out to the dinning room and I sit down and apologize for taking so long. My mother tells my brother to say grace before we eat. My brother gets up and says "Dear father, we thank you for giving us this food. We hope you are doing well in heaven, we miss you father. Amen". My brother sat down again and my mother and I said amen. My mum and brother started to eat and I just stared at my food with my knife and fork in my hands. I stood up and apologized and went back into my bedroom.

I opened my desk draw and I took Sarah's journal. My hands shaking I closed the draw again and sat down on my bed with her journal. I opened it up and sure enough I found the piece of paper. I picked it up and read it. "To my beloved boyfriend, I'm sure you have read the letter I left you by now which is why you are reading this. I am sorry for the pain I am causing you, I know it may be hard for you to believe that I love you, but I do. You have always made me feel wanted, and you're the reason I've come this far in life. But I'm sorry that I've lived a life of lies to you and so in this, I write to you my history of why this is happening. I know you have seen the scars on my wrists and leg of where I've cut myself all those years ago when you first met me, but I have stopped doing it on my wrist but I still do it on my leg. The pain I feel everyday hurts so bad that I can't go on. When my friend died, I gave up on everything, life, love. But you restored that in me until now when life mattered not to me. I've never told you this but my father has abused me so much. He would come home from work and just yell at my mother and I would defend her, and he would hit me. I would always go into my room and get the knife I left in my draw. I would bring it to my leg and cut. The sweet taste of pain I would feel would relieve me of the emotional pain that hurt so badly. This wasn't as frequent as the fights though. I would do it maybe once or twice a week at the most. Please forgive me for not telling you but I didn't want you to worry about me. I was worried that my depression would rub off and you, and when this day came, I feared you would try to follow me with the same approach. Besides I was so much happier when around you, but in the end it just wasn't enough. One day you will move on and find someone who means so much more to you and things in your life will be going good again. I want you to be happy and live the life I always wanted. The life I lived just had too much pressure on me and I just couldn't handle it or my dad. There is one thing I would like you to do though. I want you to retrieve the knife from the top of my wardrobe, I'd like you to throw it in the river we used swim in during summer. But please make sure that the river is flowing fast though because I don't want anyone being hurt by it. Forever in my heart you will remain, Sarah"

I put the journal away for another day and I burst into tears, I rolled over and I looked up to the ceiling and wished that she would come back. The anger I felt from her dad abusing her raged inside me and I went out to the garage and started boxing and kicking my boxing bag, which I had bought a few months ago. Eventually I wore myself out and I collapsed on the floor. Thankfully I had placed carpet in because it was becoming my personal gym so there I didn't hurt myself.

After I woke up I went inside and took a shower and remembered her request. I got into my car and drove to her house. I knocked on the door and her younger sister answered the door. "Hello how can I help you?" said her younger sister "Hey Ariana, I was just here to pick up something your sister wanted me to always have" I said pretending I was looking for a photo of us two together. "You know where Sarah's room is so I'll let you go by yourself. Mum and Dad have gone out. Can I ask you something?" Ariana asked. "Do you miss Sarah?" "Of course I do, I loved her very much. She was the sweetest girl I had ever met and I thought she would be the one for me" I replied. "I cry every night when I go to sleep. I cry every day as well. I pray to god that she's all right and happy. Don't worry Ariana, things are going to be ok" I told her as I gave her a hug.

I made my way to Sarah's room and I went and retrieved the knife from her wardrobe. I picked it up and also retrieved a photo from her dairy she had always made me look at every time I saw her. I took the knife and said goodbye to Ariana and made my way to the river.

As I got to the river I pulled over and got out of my car. The water was flowing very fast and I sat down on one of the rocks and pulled out the knife and looked at the bloodstains on it. I decide to connect with her and I take the knife to my wrist and I slash the flesh of my bare skin and I flinch as I pierce the skin but I continue the cut all the way through. I remove the knife from my freshly slashed skin and I throw it into the river as I watch it float away. I go back to my car and I look at my wrist as it continues to bleed. I take a bandage I kept in the glove box and wrap it around my wrist. I get in the drivers seat and turn over the engine and drive home. As I drive home I look up to the stars and say to myself "Goodbye Sarah, I will never forget you. Goodbye".