~cat waves~ scarily enough this is a pretty much true account of what happened when our home pc decided to die one day, with some help from certain family members… ~cat looks meaningfully at her younger brother~

Hello and Welcome to etcetera-cat's guide to making your computer work.....

1) Check that computer is plugged in to mains.

2) Check computer is turned on.

3) Try poking every avaliable key and button in a variety of sequences.

4) Hurl obscenities at the monitor.

5) Attack the Tower with a hind paw.

6) Hop around on your other hind paw, clutching the tower assulting one and cursing cos you'd forgotten that you didn't have any shoes on and that metal is hard.

7) Find a pair of trainers to put on and kick the tower.

8) Since you've got your trainers on, go visit the computer shop for a half hour session of "How to be made to feel stupid in 3 easy steps" with the computer salesperson.

9) Return home and attempt to remember the computer salesperson's tips, but since you haven't got a degree in arc welding and advanced quantum electronics, give up and pound on the monitor a bit.

10) Phone people up to announce that you computer is broken.

11) Attempt to follow you computer-knowledgable friend's instructions.

12) Inform your friend that whatever they think and are saying, yes you are getting a blue screen when you press that, no you don't know why, and yes you really are getting a blue screen.

13) Weep inncoherantly.

14) Attempt to defragment your hard drive.

15) Watch the computer declare defragmentation is an illegal operation.

16) Attempt to turn your computer off, only to be informed that turning your computer off is a fatal exception, and the computer will now shut down.

17) Leave the computer to shut down.

18) Return after several stiff drinks and a long hot bath to find that the computer has not shut down.

19) Shut the computer down by pulling the mains socket out.

20) Turn the computer back on.

21) Install some new anti-virus software.

22) Weep as the software informs you that you have 1008 copies of the loveletter virus, all three versions (and you were a right twit to download them weren't ya?) and 1 worm.

23) Upgrade to steel capped work boots.

24) Actually read the computer manual and trouble shooter guide.

25) Start with step one of the "So your computer is fecked" trouble shooters.

26) Get bored.

27) Look at the box of disks.

28) Catch sight of the pretty bright orange ones sealed in separate packages.

29) Find out which step involves using those disks.

30) Give up trying to find the instructions for using the orange disks and instead become distracted by the labels on them reading, in red, WARNING: THIS DISK IS A SYSTEM REFORMAT DISK AND WILL RESTORE YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM TO FACTORY SETTINGS.

31) Whang the orange disk in the :/A drive just to see what happens.

32) Cackle manically as the screen turns red and WARNING: THIS DISK IS A SYSTEM REFORMAT DISK AND WILL RESTORE YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM TO FACTORY SETTINGS. YOU WILL LOSE ALL OF YOUR SAVED FILES. DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE (Y/N)?

33) Press Y repeatedly.

34) Listen with interest to the dit dit dit and zoom noises now emanating from the Tower.

35) Dance around to the dit dit dit zoom noises as they are synching with whatever music cd you are currently playing.

36) Suddenly realise you can't remember where your system driver disks are.

37) Run around like a headless chicken, with a dit dit dit zoom accompniment, looking for the system driver disks and windows installation disks.

38) Wipe the mug rings off the disks and look innocent.

39) When prompted reinstall all the stuff the computer tells you to.

40) Wonder at your suddenly functioning multimedia electronic experience.

41) Return to the safe haven of cyberspace and vow never to let your brother/sister/mother/father/partner (delete as applicable) near the computer again as it was obviously their fault in the first palce.