~*~
Dreams, inconsistent angel things.
Horses bred with star-laced wings.
But it's so hard to make them fly, fly, fly.
She arose from a troubled sleep with a sudden jolt. The faint light upon the window indicated that it was barely dawn, and the fresh snow upon the ground below signaled the true start of winter. She found herself irresistibly drawn to the peaceful view outside…and a trip to the past.
These wings beat the night sky 'bove the town.
One goes up and one goes down.
And so the chariot hits the ground, bound, bound.
These were strange things, of course, to be thinking about. She knew that it was the present that mattered, and her current situation she should be concerned about; but, alas, her past would not let go easily. It wanted to push forward, to force her to face them without cringing or running. Running. She was awfully good at that, wasn't she? Who would want to come home in terror, loathing to find the empty cans scattered upon the floor? Who would want to force themselves to clean the house silently, lest Daddy should find it and disappear for the night? And eventually forever?
We have forgotten (don't try to make me fly)
How it used to be (I'll stay here, I'll be fine).
How it used to be (don't go and let me down)
How it used to be (I'm starting to like this town).
She wanted to forget everything. She wanted to block it from her mind forever, but the questions kept coming. Were they okay? Could they, for once, take care of themselves? Would Daddy come back and care for Mommy? Would it be all right in the end? Guilt swamped her mind. How dare she have fun when her family was a mess at home! She berated herself, cursing softly in bitter words of self-hatred.
When wings beat the night sky 'bove the ground,
Will I unwillingly shoot them down
With all my petty fears and doubts, down, down?
She used to play in snow every winter before Daddy got a promotion. She could still remember him saying, "It'll be all right, darling. Daddy will only be gone for a few days," before leaving on his first business trip. But it hadn't been all right. Mommy always got worried, she remembered. Mommy hated planes because her sister had died on one a long time ago. It became so bad that one night, Mommy picked up a bottle of wine and disappeared into the bedroom. Nothing was the same after that.
We have forgotten (am I in love with this?)
How it used to be (my constant broken ship)
How it used to be (don't go, I'll shoot you down),
How it used to be (I'm starting to like this town).
She let the tears fall. It was early, and no one was there to see her. Her Daddy, she knew, was probably in his office, working again to block out the events at home. He rarely came out of there. He just couldn't deal with Mommy's 'illness'. Mommy was lying on her bed, half a dozen cans lying empty around her. As she continued to stare at the snow-covered trees outside, she knew that she should have been there to clean up the mess around the house. She should have been there to steal Mommy's purse away and lock up the other cans in a cabinet before Mommy woke up. But she was here.
A knock at the door frightened her, and she straightened up, wiping away the stray tears before running over and opening the door.
"Saphron, are you coming? There are presents around the tree to be opened," Kathryn exclaimed. Saphron nodded and motioned for Kathryn to go on ahead. Kathryn ran down the hall to wake up the others. Saphron bent down to pick up her robe and walked out the door slowly, pausing for a moment.
Turning around, she whispered, "Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad," as she closed the door.
~*~
A/N: It's a bit angsty, and I'm not sure I want to put Saph in this position, but it explains a lot about her. Like? Hate? Tell me-nyo!