Thursday, January 9th, 2003
Just another day, really. Plenty of anxiety, but that's nothing new.
School was a little difficult. Classes were fine, sure, you know me, but it's hard to be around people so much lately. I hate how everyone either talks about sex or hatred. It's either some sort of sex comment or its something about how some person is stupid and should die or that person is so gay or let's play a trick on her, something like that. It wasn't so bad when it was merely snippets of words from other people's conversations that drifted to my ears as I passed them by, but lately I've noticed how even my friends are falling to these sorts of idiotic word exchanges. It's not like I can do anything about it. I'm just me, little Alice Hearting, the girl you'll never catch starting a conversation, much less trying to end a world of sex and hatred…
It doesn't really matter, I guess. Maybe it bothers me because I seem to be the only one that notices how wrong it all is. Of course (here I go again), who am I to talk about wrongness when it permeates me completely? How, you silently ask? I'm attracted to guys, and yet I may have fallen in love with a girl. Probably anyone that could stumble across this diary would be flinging it across the room now and burning it while making the sign of the cross with their fingers. That's the sort of anti-anything-not-heterosexual feeling circulating in the world today. People blame us with confusing sexualities for falling to sinful ways and being sick and everything, but we don't choose to be this way. If I had my way, I'd be in the arms of a hunky male with rippling muscles, maybe, and that might still be possible. I didn't choose to suffer more heartache than the average teenager, if not the average hetero. Why would you ever blame me? You barely even look at me…
I know I doubt myself too much. My self-esteem is at the bottom of the charts. What animal would I compare myself to? A mouse, of course, because I'm quiet and soft-spoken, as well as barely more than five foot. The tall guys intimidate me, and even the tall girls make me feel a little uncomfortable. Maybe that's why I think I may like Jessica, because she's my exact height, and she's not loud… but she's different from me in that she won't let people talk down to her. She always stands up for herself, and me. When I just let the philippics assault me, if she's around, she'll step in and practically fight off whoever's bothering me. Maybe that's why I started to find myself attracted to her.
I don't wanna talk about her now. Just, no.
My parents were fighting again when I came home. It's a miracle they're still married. I swear, something must be wrong with the divorce statistic if people like them are still together. My older sister Mary keeps telling me things aren't as bad between them as it seems, and that I'll understand when I'm older. Yeah, sure, that's if they're still together when I'm older. Then again, stranger things have happened, I guess.
I'm listening to Boa again. I love this band. For some reason the lyrics of their songs just seem to apply to my life in whatever way they seem at the moment. Duvet's playing, and the chorus always reminds me of myself:

I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all, I am losing
Help me to breathe

I'm drowning in this life surrounded by lies and hatred and insecurity. I'm so tired of being afraid, just afraid. Every day, I'm afraid to get out of bed, afraid to leave my house, afraid to go to school, all because I don't wanna face the world. I'm afraid of being faced with an unavoidable conversation, being surrounded by large guys to the point where I fear for my virginity, or just seeing attractive females, afraid I'll find myself attracted to them. I can barely face Jessica every day. It doesn't help she's my absolute best friend. Known her since we were in kindergarten, and now we're juniors. That's so many years together, and now I fall in love with her. I feel as if I should just send her away, just hide far away from her before I do something stupid like smile differently at her, or kiss her. Sometimes thoughts of suicide pass through my mind. Why wouldn't they? I'm a teenager, right? This world is certainly screwed up if suicide can be thought of in a sarcastic manner… I just don't wanna face this world anymore, even though I've been saying that for God knows how many years. How terrible is this world when love is enough to make the world hate you and despise you and make you seriously contemplate suicide? This again is something only I think of. That's how foolish it all is. That's why I'm alone. That's why I can never tell Jessica how I feel about her.
Maybe I'll always be alone. After all, I'm in high school, and how often do teenage relationships last, anyway?

Disclaimer: Boa owns Duvet, but I think I made that clear in the entry, don't you think?
AN: First of, this is only the first entry in a series, so please stick around and look for periodic updates. More's gonna eventually be added in this series, involving Alice's eventual pursuit of Jessica, her continuing watch of the horrible world around her, and possibly even a male threat to her life, considering her possible bisexuality; we'll see.
Oh, by the way, if you're wondering what that Thought Experiments thing is, it's a series of stream-of-consciousness type stories allowing me to explain my thoughts about modern society, and this story already kinda gives you my personal thoughts. This individual Thought Experiments is different from others because this one's actually a series on its own.
Thank you for reading, and please please please review!!! ^_^