Things I've Learned From Practicing Wicca

Semjaza, 2002, 2003

Preamble:

Well, welcome to the next round of my little "advice column." This first chapter is the original "Things I've Learned from Practicing Wicca," updated and rewritten, and the next chapter will be explanations of terms that may be unfamiliar to... (oh, how I'd love to say muggles but that'd be just too fluffbunny-ish, and then there's that copyright infringement thing...) ...others.

The rating is for those who may take offense, and for swearing. And please, for godsake, this is, (if not funny), an attempt at humour.

And it must be noted that "Things I've Learned From Practicing WitchCraft and/or Paganism and/or Occultism" would be a much more appropriate title than the one I have, but oh well. If you know the grammatical difference between "learned" and "learnt," I would be much obliged if you'd enlighten me.

In case anyone noticed/cares (ha!), this was originally a List on Fanfiction.net, before that traumatic time know as... well, I for one think it should have had a name, but know has been changed as to not be so "list-like" or even listless... I must also say that the information expressed here is, well, just as reliable as anything else you'd find on the internet, so...

Chapter One:

Hair is flammable. Very flammable.

Everyone knows this, right? I'm a pyromaniac as much as the next teenager, but when the incense is kind of spacing you out and you lean over the illuminator candles to light the other altar candles and you hear a loud snap and the smell of burning hair. . . This generally means your hair is on fire. Usually, the most intelligent course of action is to dump whatever liquid is in the chalice onto your head. Given my luck, the liquid is also flammable. Hats are always a good investment.

Always close the Circle.

Believe me, this is a good thing to do. It's OK if you mess up an entire ritual if you can laugh it off, but always ground the circle in some way. So, I was in a rush one day and just left the circle open. Not a good plan, I can tell you. All night, something was knocking on my door. When I answered it, no one was there. Pretty goddamn rude, if you ask me.

Summoning entities from other realms just to chat is not wise.

How would you like it if these annoying creatures kept calling you, and just wouldn't go away. When you're at work, at home with the kids, eating your supper, trying to get laid... All these insects just keep chanting invocations over and over again. You might get a tad angry, or you might get seriously pissed off. And if they just wanted to complain about their jobs. . . you get the idea. Or they might.

It's better to look through window than to open a door.

If you open the door, who knows what might come in. If you just look through a window, you can point and laugh and suffer much milder consequences.

Don't hold skyclad rites in a public place.

Apparently, this is called indecent exposure. Whoops.

Don't tell off beings from higher/lower realms.

They will come and get you. Or, they'll just point and snicker behind your back. But you never know.

Athames (ritual knives) are not sharp for a reason.

I don't own an athame. I just thought this could be good advice for those of us out there whose chances of tripping increase 100% by carrying something pointy. Ha! Something I can update. I own an athame! It's really sharp! ..... I am a menace... a stumbling, clumsy menace...

Henbane is not a chicken repellant.

Seriously. It's not good for you, nor is it good for chickens.

"Abracadabra" isn't what you think it is.

It translates roughly (from what language I'm not sure) as "I bless the dead." Creepy, huh.

Cherubs really aren't that sweet.

Yeah, so I've got hell to pay to whoever started painting those sweet little baby angels with the cute little wings and the cheerful smiles. The Cherubim are really huge angels with glowing eyes and sharp swords. Bite me, cupid.

Faeries can be dangerous.

Trust me, anything that cute must have really sharp teeth.

Some incense flavors shouldn't be mixed.

Envision squirrels on acid, month-long headaches, weird spirits that sing Britney Spears, and the Exorcist all rolled into little packets of incense. Now envision mixing those packets. Y'all wanna know where I get my incense heheh...

Tarot cards shouldn't be wrapped in underwear.

Unless it's silk, then feel free to do so.

Invoking Hecate in the middle of a 4-way stop isn't healthy.

Even though Her presence is felt at the crossroads doesn't mean it pleases Her to be invoked by a Witch with "Toyota" stamped across their forehead.

Keep the sacred space free of toe-stubbable objects.

"I call upon Isis, goddess of -Shit that hurt!" isn't a nice invocation.

"Up my ass."

Is not the correct response when the Priestess asks where your broom is.

Wax is not edible.

I really hope that this is self-explanatory.

Trying to change the weather can have hazardous results.

You wouldn't want to do a rain dance and suddenly get hit on the head by the down-pour of spatulas, would you?

Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to knock yourself out to access the collective unconscious.

Or maybe this was just my belief, because I can't tell unconscious from subconscious.

There is no such thing as a High Coffee-table of Magick.

Sigh. There should be.

Socks do not make good gris-gris/mojo bags.

The bad smell associated with the socks will add negativity to your rite.

Making voodoo dolls in Family Studies (sewing) class is not recommended.

Poor Teddy *sigh* Pincushion of the Gods. And then used gleefully to give that nasty girl a bad itch.

Phlegm is not a spell component.

I believe elaborating is not necessary.

Chickens don't make good minions.

Chickens are evil and will attack you if you turn your back on them. Trust not the chicken.

Sometimes spirits manifest in incense smoke. Please refrain from inhaling them.

Poor Pazuzu, right up my nose. Oh, that was weird.

The following things and candle wax do not mix:

expensive carpets, musical instruments, little brothers, your favourite sneakers, portraits of long lost ancestors, and irate, carpet-owning, High Priestesses.

When attempting to explain why witches were persecuted, avoid the words "horny little goat men."

We still haven't lived that one down.

OK, so I didn't rewrite that much... Love it, hate it, think I'm going to burn in Hell? I'd love to hear from all of you. Please review. And the explanations will be up soon, if anyone wants them.

Copyright 2002, 2003, Semjaza. Also known as Jezereth, and Crimson Twilight.