Night Musing

So alone. I feel so alone. Everything I have ever known is gone. How can one day change everything so fast, so harsh? I sit here, a husk of my former self. No child of ten should have to feel what I feel, see what I have seen, and know what I know. The city noises rage around me as I sit on my rooftop perch. Each blaring sound fighting to be heard above all others. A chaos of lights flash across my vision. It is such a numbing atmosphere, this city. Cold, impersonal, apathetic, all rolled into one object, one thing, one place. Haunted by the traumas of everyday life. So many words to describe so many things. Normal, freak, saint, devil; all of those found in one spot. Yet I am still alone. A horn blares impatient to be on the move. Sirens wail as they speed through the darkened maze. A woman's cry, from the alley below, of injustice done. A child's scream, heard two floors underneath my perch, of ignorance of the parents. People shouting in the streets, mad at the world in their drunken stupor. No peace, no silence. Everything in a downward spiral around me. The noise, lights, and voices pounding through my head. No escape from it all. A circle of never ending destruction and disorder.

How fitting that I sit here watching over the folly of human life. Chaos in mortal skin. Damn skin, worthless skin. A layer to take in all but let out nothing. Pain captured and held. Betrayal burned from the inside out. Damn me for not possessing the courage to let anything go. If I could I would take in the light, shame that the blackness would remain. Darker inside me then the very sky above my head. My hands reach my face suppressing the flood of emotion threatening to spill out my eyes. With a few calming breaths the tide subsides slowly. Lowering my hands I see them drenched in red. Panic chokes me as the dam so tediously built collapses, the raging river escaping. No, this can't be happening. I washed my hands clean of this. I am not at fault. Curse this spot. Be off and leave me to my ravaged psyche. Tears rain down to wash my soiled hands. They will never be clean. Never again will their guilty souls be pure. The light shifts making my red hands green. Not real, not real anymore. Just a play of lights on defiled skin. Dark images flashing through my head. Blinding to the mind's eye. Repeating over and over again. They never slow nor stop. Lights unceasingly blinking red and green. Guilty and innocent, wrong and right, so easy to distinguish in this glow. So sharp and cutting was the beam, just as it had been glinting off that blade. Soiled and damned blade. Why did you shine at the right yet wrong time? Cold crisp wind bites into my exposed skin, breaking already numb flesh. My insensitive body, housing a dead soul. Red icy blood seeps down my hand. May it freeze in its decent. May it join hers that I dared to wash away. Forever bonded together by blood and memory. Cutting artic air lashes at my face freezing the trails of tears. Yes this is her doing. Her punishment delivered for the deed done. Did it matter what the reason? Is there a justification in such an action? Could he risk one for many? The gale bores down on me in its answer as if trying to harden me to a block of ice. What have I done? Lavender, my thorny sister, you would have done the same in my spot, wouldn't you? Jasmine, with her fiery spirit, would have slaughtered you in an instant if you dared to harm me. I know there is no question in that. Why did you lie to us? What did you have to gain? You left me by these very hands. You let me do this to you as you laughed. You couldn't have been the monster most say you are. Don't let them make you into a fiend. The very woman you tried to kill; whose love you killed, mourns for you. Would you have mourned her? I see now that you would never have allowed that. To show such a weakness was below you. That was what kept you from being with us. You forsook your humanity in order to get nothing. That's what it got you in the end. Nothing. You made me choose. You made me pick favorites. Two sisters, two opposing sides. Why did you do that to me, and yourself? They were ready to take you in as their own if you had allowed them to. You kept us from being together. You made your choice and I made mine. Those choices led you to death and me to torment. I now carry not only my soul but yours as well. I love you and you hate me. I have a home now I should be able to be happy. I can't be. You have been stained onto my hands and I will bear you with me wherever I may be. You still lost Acacia. I may be broken but I can still heal. You, you are dead. I don't rejoice; you were part of me but I found another that has placed no conditions on the love she offers me. I have found my true sister. I have it all now and you are gone. Dead. Nothing. May you find forgiveness for your deeds. Know this, wherever you may be, you betrayed me and damaged me for a long time coming, but I won. I have the family, I have the people who care for me. You have nothing.