by Harry the Fanfic
It's tough being ignored. The feeling of insignificance, of being a lone, overlooked speck on the giant blackboard that is life, is a harsh pill to swallow. Hermits know it. So do those tiny Eskimos in children's cartoons. Even the lowest form of human life, teenagers, they know it. And though you may not believe it or, perhaps, you choose not to believe it, I also know it. Fanfics have feelings too, and I demand to know why people won't read me!!!
It's not like I'm an unreasonable fanfic, heavens no. Far from it, I'm one of the nicest fanfics you could ever meet. It's just that it's hard not being noticed. It's hard always having to sit on the electronic benches of fanfic.net and see other, less worthy, examples of amateur literature get picked over me. Is it so hard to read a fan-written sequel to War and Peace? It's not like I'm that long or complicated – my author can't write.
But no. Day in and day out, it's the same thing. I get left behind while all the anime fanfics get all the action. How many times can people read about the same goddamn characters being dropped into overly contrived, fish-out-of-water scenarios before they start yearning for something a bit… more? Fan-hood is all well and good, but once it gets to the point where all you do is eat, sleep, talk about and, yes, even read about oddly drawn elves with larges eyes and disproportioned breasts, well sir, then you got to say to yourself, "Perhaps I deserve better…"
I mean, if these authors were so good, then one would figure that they would be able to think of their own characters to write about. I am not saying that I come from a better background, mind you, for my author is an awesome dolt. I'm just saying that the first steps towards enrichment need not be giant strides, but small, piddling shuffles. I am such a shuffle, but alas, no one will read me!
Sometimes I've wondered if it's my title that's causing me to be overlooked, but then I realize that it's just the title of the original novel with a 14-font "2" next to it; it's not Shakespeare (it's not even RL Stein) but I don't think that it can account for the utter disinterest you people have shown for me. Perhaps it's because you don't take me seriously. I bet you're probably laughing right now. I know it must be difficult to take a me, an insignificant little fanfic, seriously, but I implore you to think of me not as a flimsy sheet of paper with thin, cartoon-like appendages jutting out of my sides but as a sentient being with emotions and aspirations that go beyond simply being ignored by pimple-faced little pukes!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I did not mean that. It's just that I get so frustrated thinking that at this very moment, some Xena story entitled, Lesbos A-Go-Go: A Sequel is getting more hits than I am!
What was I talking about?
Oh, yes. I feel that something must be done to help readers take stories like me seriously. Maybe you're having a tough time visualizing a sentient fanfic… If that is the case, please, try this: take a blank sheet of paper (preferably a blank sheet of computer paper), a black marker, and an open mind. Ready? Okay. Now take the marker and draw two parallel lines in close proximity to one another – these will be the eyes. Now, below the eyes, draw a large upside down "U." When that's done, draw two slanting lines directly above the eyes, pointing inwards.
Okay, now you should have a reasonable facsimile of me staring right at you! Notice my intense glare burning into your soul; the determination and hope glistening in my crudely illustrated pupils. Yessir, there's nothing funny about the way I'm feeling right now, so I beg you to please do the right thing and read me! For the love of all that is good read me, and PLEASE give my author some constructive criticism on how to write – God knows he needs it…
Will jump in a paper shredder if you don't read him,
Harry the Fanfic