A big thanks to all of you who took time to read this.
Okay, this is a story that is not a story. I originally wrote a much longer, much stronger story about the adventures of Jem Starr as a space-faring bounty hunter. However, my computer caught a virus, we took it in, and found they were forced to extinguish that file. I cried. And after pouting for days, I finally got up enough guts to give it another go. Except, Haku, had about twelve lines in the original story, completely took over. Pretty soon, this became his story, not Jem's. And I'm wondering if it's a good thing. Haku is a much more human character than Jem, but he kind of ruins the action/adventure scenes.
I am looking for suggestions on how to improve this. So please review.
Rashelle Waterburn Seabrooks
I finally hunted down my muse for this story, and gave her a stern lecture about the dangers of desertion. And it looks like I've got a reviewer. A "thank you so very much" to Anumati.
be the first one to admit I was ready to smack the living bejeezus
out of you for using the name "Haku" (a japanese name) for no apparent reason, but after
seeing what a clever story this was, I let it pass.
Great job on exposition; otherworldly enough to get a sense of another time and place, and yet human enough to know right off the bat vaguely what you're talking about (Yard rat was a good one). Was it Corlan? (Sorry, I'm too lazy to back page right now because my computer be being very, very slow and I'm afraid it will crash). You know, that Divine girl with ESP. Liked her. Lots of young ESP orphan girls in sci-fi these days, but I still like them. I have one of my own :D
I also favored the Indian flare you gave Haku in the prologue.
Also, commenting on your Author notes: Humans ruin action?! Humans can be the BEST KINDS OF PEOPLE to convey action! I LOVED what you've done so far -- I absolutely rave about character development. Action is for movies, but with books you always have the time to sit down and become truly intimate with a character and come to love them for what they are and what they stand for.
Besides, I like Haku more than Jem so far anyway.
I don't quite know how I ended up with Haku as a name. I wanted something that would stand out, a stigma in an universe of simple common names, (Frank, James, Harvey) and more typical twentieth century names. (Cyden, Colson, Jem). The Indian flare was meant to give Haku a little bit of mysticism and I've expounded on that in this next chapter. What I really meant is that Jem is a little bit of a disconnected character, and not really human enough for people to identify with him. However, he is also, reckless, and brash, and always getting himself into trouble. A lot of the action that was present in the original was completely ruined by the fact that Haku actually think his actions through. . . Although, truth be told, Haku has grown on me. A lot.