PG – Some Violence, Some foul language. No biggy.
This story was originally posted a while back to limited critical acclaim (it got four reviews). This story makes me laugh, so I put it first to start this "anthology-thingy" off with a laugh. I was tired of teenage vampire stories (mine included) so I decided to create a world in which vampires actually existed alongside normal people. The funny part is that the most interesting character in the story turns out to be all to human. Enjoy;.
Not Another Vampire Story!
Well, would you look at that over there…? I tell you, it's just not safe to go out and take a walk anymore, what with all those vampires lurking about, ready to suck your blood and whatnot. Hold on one second… Hey. HEY! Vampire! Stop sucking that good man's blood! Come on now, git!
"Bite me old man!"
Sigh… Now, you see that? I tell you, the worst thing about those dang vampires – besides the fact that they suck your blood and all – is that they got absolutely NO respect for their elders! None. Ever since they started using that new-fangled sun block, SPF Xtreme, they walk around in broad daylight acting like they own the place. Tweren't like that in the old days, let me assure you.
By the way, thanks for coming with me to the liquor store, sonny; it's a bonified rare sight nowadays to see a young man like yourself accompanying one of his elders. Very respectful. Shows good character. Hey, are you with the boy-scouts or something?
Not the talkative type, I see. Well, no worries; I got enough gab for the both of us, my boy. Now, let's see… what was I talkin' about? Oh, yeah. Vampires. The neighborhood's positively overrun with'em!
Seems like that one's just about done over there… Hey, you rapscallion! At least have the decency to clean up after yourself!
Typical. Didn't even turn around. And that's another thing: look at all these corpses! Getting to the point where you have to hopscotch down the street just to keep from getting rotten corpse all over your shoes. Watch it there, boy, almost got some headbutter on you… Yeah, that's the stuff that comes outta their ears after about a day in the sun. Stink don't come off for like a month, either, heh-heh. Dang those vampires.
Didn't always use to be like this, you know. Used to be when a vampire knew his place in the world. Oh, you'd get the drainin' of a young virgin here and there – you know, maybe on Halloween or Valentine's Day – but that was it. This… well, this is just a tad bit indulgent, don't you think? Ah, maybe I'm just old fashioned, but all this blood and gore, and body parts hanging from phone wires, and vampires hacky-sacking with certain parts of the male anatomy just isn't as shocking as one well picked virgin on a full-moon night. This is just silly.
What's that? Your friends don't mind the vampires, you say? Well, you see, boy, THAT'S the problem right there. I've been sayin' it for years: teenagers are gonna destroy the entire human race and damned if I wasn't right on the money! It's all those goth kids, I tell ya; with their black clothin', clown make-up, and stories about vampires that don't involve impalin'em with stakes. It's the internet's fault too. Only place on the planet where some pimple-faced little brat can sign-on as "Goth-Lord" or "Night Phantom" and write some contrived story about tortured vampires and get praises from other "talented" writers, like "CybaGangsta69" and "Anime-Humper"…
Ahem. Sorry about that. Went off on a little tantrum there. Funny thing is that I don't remember ever goin' on the internet before… oh, well.
Anyway, I think the vampires read these stories, saw the kids wearing those ridiculous black trench-coats and figured that they weren't scaring us like they used to. Well, sir, I can tell you that they ain't scarin' me one bit, and your friends are probably in gothy-heaven right now… literally. I figure, if we ignore them, maybe they'll get tired of massacring people and go home. It'd be a good riddance, far as I'm concerned.
Oh, look, we're just about there. You know, you're a nice kid, but it wouldn't hurt you to talk a little more… Now that I think about it, you don't look like the social-type, son. Maybe you should go out and get some sun on that pale skin of yours, boy, and if you don't mind me sayin' so, a haircut would do a lot of good too. It's a tad-bit unsightly having all that hair hanging over your eyes like that… And for goodness sakes eat something! Look at you. All tall and gangly like that... Not becoming at all. With a little more meat on your bones, why, you'd be quite the strapping fellow if I do say so myself.
What's that? Gonna eat soon, you say? REAL soon? Big meal, eh? Well, good for you, sonny. I'll let you be, then. Let's see. Where was I? Ah, yes. Vampires. I mean, come on! Could they BE any gayer? I swear, half of'em look like the wussies we used to beat up in the army! Man, those were the days… "Suck my blood? I'll give you something to suck, ya queer!" WAM! Right in the fangs, heh-heh-heh… those were the days alright… yep…