Title: House of Broken Glass
By: Ozmandayus


Summary: There is a thin line between love and hate. Anger fuels so many emotions.

Rating: R
Category: Angst/Romance
Distribution: anywhere as long as you tell me first.

Authors Notes: All feedback is welcome.
sonicforlifebaby@yahoo.com

Authors Notes 2: I also write fanfic.
My new Yahoo Group "The Bunny Ranch" is where you can find all my fanfic. All of my NC-17 stuff will be posted there from now on: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/OPTheBunnyRanch/?yguid=68307424


~~~~~~

It's All I have to bring to-day,
This, and my heart beside,
This, and my heart, and all the fields,
And all the meadows wide.
Be sure you count, should I forget, --
Some one the sum could tell, --
This, and my heart, and all the bees
Which in the clover dwell.
--Emily Dickenson


~~~~~~


*****

Janine's POV

*****


Janine's Apartment
Friday, January 3, 2003 10:00 PM
Chicago, Il


I can hear him packing his bags in my bedroom. I can see him shoving shirts that I have slept in and jeans that I have enjoyed watching him wear into his suitcase. And I can't stand it.

I just can't.

My kitchen is dark, just like my mood at the moment. For the first time in seven months I am going to be sleeping alone. It's certainly not the first time in my thirty years of life. I've had other lovers. I been in love before.

But not like this. God, not like this.

I hear my closet door opening and now I know his suits are the next to go. With each movement a piece of my heart is breaking. Does he know this? Does it even matter anymore that his impending absence is killing me?

My bedroom became our bedroom and now it's going to be just mine again. I don't feel good about that. I don't feel good about a lot of things. Not lately.

Not since William.

I'm not good with emotions as it pertains to my relationships so when I felt the tear moisten my eye I wiped it away quickly, now leaning against the kitchen sink. The despair I feel is of my own making. A moment of weakness after a heated argument, something me and Cole have had a lot of recently, led to me almost making the biggest mistake of my life.

I had argued with Cole all night two days ago. We have both been swamped with work and haven't had time for each other. His mother is recovering from successful hip surgery, but the strain of her hospital stay wore him down more than he cared to admit. Couple that with me getting caught in the middle of my brother's messy divorce and it made for anything less than a perfect last couple of weeks.

Willaim Manner worked at my editing firm. He's a nice enough guy, attractive and a gentleman, with only a touch of bad boy to give him the spark us girls need. Had that kind of body that made a woman feel small and sexy. He respects me and I know he's attracted. I would be too, if it wasn't for Cole.

In other words, if I was single I'd take him out for a test drive. Do it with a damn wide grin on my face. But I haven't. I love Cole, the big dumb lug that he is. The thing is, he's my big dumb lug. And he's about to walk out of my life.

Anyway, after our all- night blowout, William asked to take me out for a drink after work. I usually decline, but for whatever reason I accepted, needing to get my mind off my relationship problems. I'm not a drinker at all, but dammit, I'm human. I needed the kind of buzz only alchohal could provide.

As it turned out I didn't drink a lick of alcohol. Angry memories of the past won't let me. Guess I still have mom issues to work out.

I sat there at our table, across from this attractive man who was giving me all the attention and sweet looks that Cole hadn't in quite a while. I felt somewhat ashamed because as a strong, confident woman, I didn't want to want those sweet looks and attention. I didn't feel I needed them.

But I was missing them. Big time in fact. Cole and I fell in love, not over candlelight dinners and flowers, but over pizza and blockbuster movie nights. Over late night phone calls and rides to work when one of our used cars broke down. He's more affectionate than I am and I never thought I needed that in a man until he brought it into my life.

That's why William's presence was affecting me so much. He was giving me the sweet looks and the affectionate stares I'd begun to miss. He was talking to me with respect and charm. I knew he was mine for the taking. I don't want to sound like I have an ego, but I know how to please a man. I know I look good. And if I *took him there*, he would never want to leave.

The trouble was, someone was already *there*. Someone I didn't want to leave.

My eyes close as I listen to your footsteps move around ou....my bedroom. My eyes remaimned shut as I remember what led us to this moment.

William asked me to dance at the bar. In my mind I was thinking, what the hell. All men cheat anyway.

Yeah, I've got man issues. You wanna know a girl who doesn't? Go to a cemetery. Think about it.

Anyway, while dancing William was singing in my ear, changing the words to the song and trying to sound all romantic like. It was nice and I was relaxing. My mind kept mulling over the past few weeks with all the arguing with Cole. All the cold stares and none of the sweetness that endeared him to me so much. William and I danced to five songs when I only meant to dance to one. His arms around me gave me that warm feeling that I had been missing lately. I think I was just imagining that Cole was doing whatever it was he wanted to do, so why shouldn't I follow suit. I've got a full tank of gas and a condom in my purse. Why not release some tension with this handsome guy? Men did it all the time and never said a word. Not even when their friends were friends with thier girlfriends or wives. Cole didn't need to know.

He was probably knee deep in some bitch anyway.

I wasn't in the right frame of mind that evening. I felt lonely and detached from the man I loved. I had become used to compliments on my looks and how I made him feel. Cole just couldn't seem to....I don't know. Maybe it was me.

Maybe what he feels for me is gone.

But I could feel what William felt for me. I could feel it against my stomach. I could feel it in the way he inhaled the scent of my perfume from my neck. In the movements of his hands and where he wanted to place them versus the respect he held for me to keep them where they were. He wasn't trying to hide it. He knew I had a boyfriend, but I didn't look happy.

He is a guy after all. I was his prey. He'd yeild if I asked him to. I just didn't.

When he lowered his head, he did it slowly, giving me ample opportunity to move away. Ever the gentleman. I didn't move away. His soft lips brushed mine and in my heart I heard screaming. My soul yelling for me to stop this now, confront Cole like an adult, and fix things between us or leave his sorry ass.

I should have listened to my heart.

"I live ten minutes away." That's what William whispered in my ear as we continued dancing. I looked up at him, needing to feel something other than this anger inside of me.

"Yes," I hushed as he took my hand into his. He leaned down for another kiss and took it, this time very passionate. I felt...something....odd....sad...whatever it was, I didn't stop. Then he began leading me to the coat rack, and then the door.

Fate is an evil sonofabitch. As fate would have it I looked up before we walked out of the door.

And there was Cole.....

Standing next to his father and my other brother. They had been playing pool here and from the absolute vicious look on Cole's face, had seen everything. The "G-Code" kept him from going after William right then and there. The guys code of honor. If she wants to be with another man, let her go. Maybe it was a Chicago thing.

Back in the present, my eyes opened in the kitchen. I saw Cole leaning against the door frame, his suitcases by his feet.

"Why?"



*****

Five Minutes Earlier
Cole's POV

*****


You're really short, you know.

I mean you're like 5'2 or 5'3 and half a best. Knee high to a grasshopper is what I used to tease you about. All delicious curves. Absolutely feminine, with in my opinion, the best ass in the country.

God, I love you.

In a way only a man could appreciate, your head fits right under my chin like a perfect piece to a puzzle. Like you were made for me. Some nights when I laid spooned behind you I would just rest my head next to yours on the pillow we shared and sleep, comforted by the fact that we were together.

Then came yesterday.

I have dated more than my share of woman. I've been involved with only three, but they have been some fairly long relationships. I've done my thing and felt every emotion one could feel.

Then I met you. Teasing, flirting, you never let me get the best of you. I've never met a woman who could go from shy to wicked in a heartbeat. We became fast friends. Trust came easy with us, something that surprised you a great deal. We talked about everything and nothing. Shared the past, flirted with every story of our lives.

Ours wasn't love at first sight, it was laughter. Love came as time past. In love came as a silent whisper on your back porch after our fourth kiss.

My name came from your lips in a soft moan as you came around me later that night. I will never, ever forget that sound.

That's why this is hurting me so bad. I know things haven't been right with us for a while. Life has been kicking our asses. Your brother's messy divorce and my mothers illness, along with our jobs seems to have drained us dry. I know I am a huge part of the problems with us. While I am certainly no mama's boy, her illness scared me like nothing else. I haven't shown you the attention I usually do. We haven't had a movie night in weeks.

I can't remember the last time you smiled.

Then came yesterday. Watching you kiss another man, twice no less, just about tore my heart out. To see him take your hand and lead you toward the door was agonizing. But to watch the whole sick affair take place next to my father and your brother ate away at my pride.

And I am a man.

Now I stand in this darkened room, watching you wipe tears away that you refuse to shed. You look smaller than usual to me, fragile. I want you in my arms, happy, safe.

But at the same time I want to hurt you. Hurt you as bad as you hurt me. I want your pride to feel crushed. I want you to see pity in peoples eyes. I want you to wonder about the late night whispers as gossip spreads about what happened.

I want you to hurt.

I would never raise my hand to you. Not ever! You wouldn't take that and I would never do it. But I can't seem to get past my jealousy.

My anger.

Your beautiful eyes are hidden from me. I used to kiss your eye lids while you slept. The thought that you were going to lay down with another man is beyond my comprehension. I can't fathom another man touching you.

Therein lies rage.

My own eyes shut as I remember the passion with which we used to make love. That first time I slid inside of you and you looked right into my soul.

It was sexy and sweet and sappy and naughty and we ended up saying a lot of things that night. The first time we made love. The next three times we fucked like it was about to be outlawed. You used to think your aggressive side was a turnoff. Fancy meeting a guy that thought is was a major turn on.

We just clicked.

Now we're broken. And I just don't know what to do to fix this. Do I want to fix this?

"Why?"



*****

Janine' POV

*****



"I don't know."

"That's not good enough."

I look over at you and the clench of your jaw gives away the fury you must be holding within. That makes me hurt even more. "I'm sorry."

You leave your bags and walk over to me, now leaning against the sink like I am.

You're tall.

I really like that. It makes me feel protected in a very feminine way. Right now it feels so strange to be here next to you and not be touching you in some way.

I watch as you stare straight ahead, looking at a photo of us attached to the refrigerator. We took that at my mothers house. I was sitting in your lap on my birthday this past November with your arms wrapped around me. You were caressing my ring finger and I began for the first time to give thought to a more life-long commitment between us. That terrifies me, but I did think about us in that way.

"Why were you kissing another man at that bar?"

I shook my head, trying to find the words, any words that made sense. "We've been having problems."

"That still gives you no right to cheat on me," you snarled. You never snarl at me. My heart breaks that much more. "I know. I was feeling very sad and lonely at the time."

"Are you having an affair with him?"

You would never have doubted my love for you had you not saw evidence of my indiscretion with your own eyes. "No. That was the first time I have kissed any man other than you since we became involved."

"Are you lying to me?"

I just want to cry now.

"No, I'm not lying," I tried to explain, my voice cracking under his heated gaze. "His name is William. He works two offices down from mine. He asked me out for drinks and I accepted."

"It looked like you were about to accept a lot more than that when he was leading you out of the bar by the fucking hand." Your arms cross your chest, a sure sign of anger if there ever was one.

I'm hurt but I play it off well. I'm good at that. "I don't know if I could have gone through with it."

"You kissed him. That as enough. Why not just fuck him and seal the deal?"

"Because I love you."

"Really," you said, stepping away from the counter and coming to stand in front of me. "You really fooled me with your two kisses and holding his hand. It looked like you were going to go someplace and fuck. Am I wrong?"

There is no right way to answer that. I simply look away.

"I have never cheated on you, Janine."

More pain.

"I know you have issues, but they don't matter to me. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON YOU!" You're shouting now, venting. I think you need to do that.

"Why didn't you come over and confront me after the first kiss?" He looks a bit shocked.

"Because I couldn't believe what I was seeing."

I've broken his heart. I've taken his love for me, his trust in me and flushed it down the toilet. He is a forgiving man, but pride leads to a fall and we have certainly fell. He is embarrassed, hurt and feels betrayed.

And he doesn't love me anymore. His eyes are cold and dark and I just don't know what to do....I just don't.

"You were going to go back to his place and fuck him," You state it, asking no question.

"I made a huge mistake," I spoke up. He can be angry all he wants, but he will not bully me. My hands smooth over my skirt as I try to calm myself down.

"Yes, you did." He still won't look at me. Now I'm starting to get angry. I spin around, now standing in front of him, forcing him to look at me, hating the love that no longer reflects in his eyes for me.

"I know how I would feel if I found you with another woman. I would be devastated. But what happened is bigger than two kisses." I try to touch his hand but he pulls away quickly, still looking over my shoulder. "We haven't made love in two weeks. We barely see each other anymore."

"Relationships are two way streets, Janine," you shout down at me. I can see your hand clinching the sink counter.

"I'm not putting this all on you. I'm saying that we have been pulling away from each other for some time now. I don't feel that connection with you that I used to. We barely touch each other any more." He's finally looking me in the eyes now. He's so angry. My own is rising. "Will you fucking say something?"

"Two kisses and you were about to go and fuck that guy. That's a slut move."

SMACK!

I don't regret slapping your ass one bit. "I will not be disrespected in my home."

"You disrespected yourself in public yesterday," you snarled again, moving closer to me.

"I wanted some attention, so I took it." You're pissed. Well fuck you, so am I.

"So you just hook up with the first guy who shows an interest? You kiss him in public where anyone could and did see you," you damn near whispered, your eyes darker than this kitchen as the heavens outside opened and buried the city.

"If you really loved me you would have run over to me the second you saw us the first time. I'm wondering why the fuck you even ca...."

Sometimes I talk to much.

But I can't say anything right now.

Nope.

Not a word.

Not with Cole's tongue down my throat.

When me and Cole are happy, we are so good.

But when we get angry with each other. Really angry, we are like napalm.

Fire. Pure fire.

Immediately I realize this will not be gentle nor sweet nor have very much to do with love. This will be animalistic.
Him.

Me.

Us.

Fucking.

Everything else be damned.

I reached up and sank my hands into his short black hair, and yanked his head roughly down to my own as our mouths crashed together. My tongue was thrusting between his lips, pressing and curling around his own, sucking it back into my mouth, licking that impossibly tempting flower lip and biting it, making little sounds of pleasure.

His big hands wrapped around my waist as he simply lifted me off the ground and shoved me against the refrigerator door. I felt you burning with the intensity of my kiss as you returned it with your own. You met my tongue's probing and stroking with equal intensity and I moaned helplessly when your little teeth sank gently into my lip. I was no longer limp but pressed urgently against you, rubbing my hands up into your hair, then down your back and grabbing your ass, squeezing and pulling your hips into harder contact with my body with soft grunting noises.



******
Cole's POV
******


I am so angry with you right now. That's why I don't give a good goddamn that those magnets on the door are digging into your back. I don't care that your head banged against the freezer. And I won't care when I fuck you unmerciessly in just a minute or two.

You belong to me. I don't give a shit if that sounds caveman, it's the truth. And if I have to fuck that into your pretty little head I will.

'Hungry' was the only word to describe the way we were kissing as we tore at each other's clothes. breaking apart for brief seconds to unzip your skirt, then I'm back in you tongue first. Fumbling fingers unbuttoned pants as quickly as possible. The passion between us had always been like this since the moment we first became lovers.

"You are mine!" I growl against your lips, kissing away any reply you might think of. Your underwear hit the floor last as I crushed you to my chest, not leaving enough space between our bodies for air. Heated flesh melted as we gasped in each other's mouths, tongues dancing in the oldest of intimate ways.

"God now, Cole. Please...now!" You wrapped one leg up around mine, but our height difference wasn't going to make things that easy. I bent down and hooked my hands under her trembling thighs and lifted, forcing her body back against the refrigerator door hard.


******

Janine's POV

******


One things perfectly clear.

Cole is about to fuck the life out of me. He's being rough and hard and I just can't get enough. I am his. He is mine. But I won't make this easy for him. I want him to fuck me until I can't do anything but lay in his arms and try to remember what it was like to walk normally, because I won't be able to do it again.



******


The End of Chapter 1