Happy Birthday President Tuba By Colin Tanner

Fade into a man sitting on a thrown with a birthday hat and a straight unchanging face. Two men burst through the door

Man 1: Hello and happy birthday President Tuba!

Man 2: And what a fine day for a birthday as it also marks the third year of you being our fabulous leader, and us your servants.

Man 1: These three magical years have been the best for our country, however these past forty-one years of your glorious life have been marvelous for the world.

Man 2: It truly has been, yet I feel a little guilty.

Man 1: Good Lord! Why?

Man 2: Because it is we who are receiving a gift, which is your presence, our gracious leader!

Man 1: Yes, that fact remains hovering above us, this beckons the question! What could we possibly do to bring a fraction of joy to you?

Man 2: Some powers are beyond mans reach, and this may be one, yet we try none the less!

Man 1: This celebration shall be larger then none, and more then less, and it will not have less then none, and more of less!

Man 2: Still, just because of your existence, our amazing president, this celebration's none of less is more then great!

Man 1: And great of less is none more then short of amazing!

Man 2: Where to begin in our description of this party that will be far from anything we can comprehend until you're arrival.

Man 1: Do we dare speak of the cake?

Man 2: Or cakes?

Man 1: Is it right of us to mention the pie?

Man 2: Or pies?

Man 1: And what of the champagne?

Man 2: Yes! The let us speak of the champagne, it is superb!

Man 1: Imported from countries yet discovered!

Man 2: Placed in a bottle shaped in god's image.

Man 1: The flavors are too brilliant, blinding normal men.

Man 2: That is why we have brought it to you our powerful master!

Man 1: There is more to be said!

Man 2: Indeed there is, but what to say, our tongues are not holy enough to describe its power!

Man 1: The succulent pig we will dine on tonight, is so tasty that it could be eaten by the spoonful while still live.

Man 2: Also, we have a steak so delicious that it marinades itself.

Man 1 (bows his head): The table clothe.

Man 2: Yes, (bows head): The table clothe.

Man 1: We had two but we experimented to see it's true strength.

Man 2 (both raise their head): And see we did!

Man 1: We held 47 convicts inside of it with one fold.

Man 2: When shot, it-deflected bullets.

Man 1: And when we burned it, it turned the fire into flowers.

Man 2: As for entertainment we have gathered every musician on the top twenty for the past five years to perform a musical written just for this accession.

Man 1: The suit.

Man 2: (gasp) The suit!

Man 1: Yes, made from the most expensive fabric.

Man 2: It burns the flesh of the poor, but it only resembles the amazing power that is you!

Man 2: If only there was more to say.

Man 1: Oh but there is!

Man 2: A speech from the most respected writer in the world, discussing this amazing year!

Man 1: Many we speak of this, your greatest year yet.

Man 2: I believe we must.

Man 1: You ordered the sky never cover the sun with clouds!

Man 2: You told the ocean to settle!

Man 1: You stopped earthquakes with a wave of you're hand.

Man 2: And with one look of the eye stopped forest fires!

Man 1: And this is just natural.

Man 2: Onwards to political!

Man 1: Your education reform was beautiful.

Man 2: Yes, why did not stop think about banning women from school.

Man 1: Making it mandatory for all the students to memorize you slightly alliterated biography.

Man 2: Why would they want to read anything else?

Man 1: Also decreeing that all teachers must go through another three months of college to learn how to teach these future solders.

Man 2: A tear is brought to my eye when I think of your economic reform.

Man 1: Eliminating any form of currency was a plan that could only come from your mind.

Man 2: Forcing every man, woman, and child who are not already on the front lines to work in you cleverly devised factories. And afterwards stepping into a bread line for their daily feeding.

Man 1: Thank fully you allow the children to continue their shift after school hours. This allows every citizen to not only see weapons, but build them as well!

Man 2: Let us not forget when you banned any form of travel. As to not let anyone escape this wonderland.

Man 1: Shooting down planes, derailing trains, blowing up cars, snapping bicycles, what an amazing time it was.

Man 2: An understatement my dear fellow, an understatement.

Man 1: My favorite was the removal of any kind of election.

Man 2: Thus, making you our eternal god!

Man 1: This time of bliss will never end!

Man 2: The one I shall never forget is when you helped us all realize our religions were wrong and stupid.

Man 1: We no longer have to go to church or pray, but if ever we are seen we will be shot.

Man 2: Sleeping on a Sunday, there is nothing better.

Man 1: Let us never forget how you outlawed families, forcing us to go into camps with strangers.

Man 2: You mean roommates!

Man 1: I suppose you're right, no one who sleeps on top of you for warmth could be a stranger.

Man 2: But not too much sleep, you're wonderful new belief that there should be no more then four hours of sleep could not have been any smarter.

Man 1: Unless you're in one of the many fabulous prisons, because you, our king, realized the scientific fact that prisoners only need two hours of sleep.

Man 2: In prison, or in a camp, either way you'll be wearing a chain just short enough that you can't leave your room.

Man 1: And out rights are defended by the troops on the border.

Man 2: We should have realized that guns were pathetic.

Man 1: Strapping bombs to any human being and making them run into our enemies is a plan that has yet to fail us!

Man 2: You know, all I can do is recall.

Man 1: Yes, recall.

Man 2: The glorious day you saved us all from peace!

Man 1: The war was short, but bloody.

Man 2: When you shot at our base killing the men and children even though their deadliest weapons were flags!

Man 1 (less and less enthusiastic): We were there that glorious day; in fact my father was shot in the crossfire. As I held him in my arms single tear went down he's fact, and spoke to me his last words. Although I could not hear them over the crossfire, when he finished I realized I was no longer holding onto my father, but a corpse.

Man 2: Yes, I watched the men blow open a hole in the wall. I covered my son's head and covered his ears. When the smoke cleared he stood and said he wanted to make them stop. Although I took his wrist, he snapped it away from my hand, a final touch. Running into the field he screamed we had no intention of fighting. That is the first time I saw you my lord, that is when you pointed to him and ordered you men to fire at him. The bullets mowed him down and the solders ran past, trampling his dieing body. Although I miss him, is that not the price of war?

A loud banging noise is heard off stage. Man 1 and 2 run to look at the edge of the stage.

Man 1: Dear lord, an attack!

Man 2: But why?

Man 1: We should shut the front gate!

Man 2: Oh no, they have already broke the gate down.

Man 1: They've beaten us to the punch, now they'll punch and beat us!

Man 2: On today of all days!

Man 1: Who could have ever thought of this plan!

Man 2: Who could have ever.. oh wait, it was me.

Man 1: You!

Man 2: Yes me! For too long have we served this man!

Man 1: But what ever could have made you do this?

Man 2: It was you my friend. At nights in the camp we would stay up, even at the risk of our health to listen to you. You would say we would rise again and take back the land stolen from us!

Man 1: I spoke nonsense.

Man 2: You spoke brilliance! Messages were spread orally around; soon we even had the guards on our side. These words were non other then yours!

Man 1: Is this true?

Man 2: We could not tell you, we knew you would stop.

Man 1: But what do we do now?

Man 2: We return to our lives!

Man 1: Yes, we will not stop!

Man 2: We've come too far!

Man 1: And the further we are!

Man 2: The closer we are!

Man 1: To love!

Man 2: To victory!

Man 1: To life!

Man 2: Yes, to life!

Man 2 removes a weapon from his jacket.

Man 1: Good-bye President Tuba!

Man 2: And happy birthday!