By Crystal Snowflakes
"Love that we cannot have is one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest."
It has been quite a while since I have updated this... But under some circumstances, I have begun this story again and I hope I will not stop anytime soon, because I have recently found out how important writing is to me. It is my life, my savior, my everything.
During the last chapter and now, many things have happened. I am not in grade seven anymore, but in grade eleven. I am naïve no more, and I have grown pessimistic. I swear like a sailor and frankly, don't give a shit. I have done a lot of things I regret, but there is one thing I regret most of all...
I still love him.
Even after two boyfriends, one of which I am still dating, I still love Josh. For a few months there, I thought I have gotten over him. I thought I was never going to love him again... But I was wrong. My friend made me see that I still loved him. There is this guy by my locker that reminds me of Josh, and every time I see him, my heart aches with pain and wanting, hurt and confusion, despair and yearning. And she asked me why I still react like that. My first reply was "because I liked him."
She looked at me as if she was a mother scolding a child. "Liked?" she asked.
I then looked at her, "like. Because I still like him."
That was last Friday. It was at 2:16 on October the 8th, 2004. I did something that night I have not done in a long time.
I cried in the shower.
It is so hard forgetting someone... So hard to forget him when you know that he did indeed love you. Many times in the past I have tried to reassure myself that it was all a dream that I made up myself, but it is not. Like I have mentioned before, his friend Rob had told me he was not fooling around. I did not fully believe in him back then, but now...
I have mention Timothy (Tim) in the previous chapters. He was my so-called-brother and under some extreme fluke circumstances, I met him on some website again. And we began talking. He remembered me and I remembered him, but he had forgotten the person who I liked.
Days have passed, maybe even weeks... And in computer class one morning, I told him. I told him I had a crush on Fennec. A minute after, the bell ring. Unfortunately, I couldn't wait for his message and I had to leave for my next class. During class, my cell phone started vibrating all of a sudden. Wondering if it was my boyfriend, I looked at my cell phone screen.
1 new text msg
Fully thinking it to be my boyfriend, I flipped open my phone and opened my mouth in surprise as it showed 'Tim'. Then I read his message.
snow and fennec sittin in a tree.. k i s s i n g. i remember now. he loved u.
I passed the rest of the day miserable.
* * * * *
Ever since that year I met Josh, I have been a pessimistic. I still played CS at times, and then when the summer of 2001 ended, I decided to stop CS once and for all to keep up with school work in grade 8.
The last day I played CS, I felt as if I had left a part of my childhood and soul behind, but people change and we all have to leave our past at one time or another. It was that day that I had decided to move on my life, although I had sort of known back then I wouldn't ever forget him. And I really haven't.
At the beginning of grade 8, I did not make many friends because I was shy and I didn't like to start talking to strangers. But friends approached me, and we had a little group. Throughout the year, more people came and went, some stayed for a year, some months, some weeks, but some of us, to this point, are still friends, and good ones at that.
During my eighth year in my French class, I had encountered a person from CS. Well, he was the brother of my brother's friend, and he asked me if I was Snow from CS, and I nodded. We became quick friends, always having our little jokes, and I began to pay extra attention to him, because he cared so much about me. We 'went out', which really wasn't much because the most we really did was hold hands under a table in a restaurant for a little over three seconds.
We were a 'couple' for a year, yet not many people knew. Most of the people who knew were his best friend and my best friend.
In grade nine, we were great friends, but we still just 'went out'. Then I saw someone else, and I told him that I really thought we should split up. Months later, I was dating that someone else. That was a mistake. But something that I learned from.
The first 'boyfriend', which really didn't count, I am still best friends with. We're actually 'brothers' and 'sisters'. Him, his best friend, and I. We always talk to each other about all our secrets...
And my boyfriend then, he had a past with my two 'brothers'. Let me give them names to make it easier. My ex-'boyfriend's name is Jeffrey. My 'brother's name is Chris and my 'boyfriend's name is Kevin.
Kevin, Jeffrey and Chris went to the same elementary school. Jeffrey and Kevin used to be friends, but then Chris and Jeffrey became best friend. I guess Kevin still held a grudge against the two of them after all these years, which was why every time I talked to Jeffrey and Chris, Kevin hated it.
Of course I paid heed to it, but there was no way I was ditching my two best friends for my boyfriend.
I had my first kiss on June 10th, 2003. And then some time in August, we broke up. I don't know what the reason was... Nor did I really mind. Something felt missing. But the only thing I minded was him taking low blows at me, but that was it.
The following year, in grade 10, I found out he smoked and took drugs, and I was glad we weren't together anymore. He had told me he smoked when we were dating, I just never believed it.
One part of me was glad I dated him; the other was scolding myself and telling me how stupid I was. But I had learned something from it, and that was all there was. There is no point in thinking about it, because there isn't a way you can go back to the past and change things, if I had the choice, I would have went to the year of 2001 and decided either to never play CS or either to persuade Josh more. I probably would have picked the latter... Because... I really do love him.
Months later, I ran into my friend from CS. Matt. His name is Matt. I talked with him, he told me how his life was, and I told him of mine. We talked everyday and it kind of reminded me of Josh all over again.
And then one day, he text messaged me.
I'm getting off school early today. Love you.
And I squealed when I saw the 'love you'.
Somehow, I managed to go back to the naïve little girl I was so many years ago. And I fell in love.
And I met him at the end of November, and we started dating on December the 20th, 2003.
Things happened. Good and bad.
Many months passed, arguments here and there, sometimes big ones that threatened the very existence of our relationship, some where petty arguments that we apologized for. Either way, our lives were spent entwined together and it was one argument that had absolutely gotten me pessimistic again.
...He fell for his ex again. Of course, nothing really happened. I let him do what he wanted, I gave him the choice to pick his ex or me, and I cried over the phone for a whole day, but after a week or two, everything settled down.
And then summer came. We spent it happily, and when school started, we no longer started seeing each other as much. Only once every week.
Then a few weeks after school started, I began to notice the guy that was three lockers away from me. He reminded me of him. He remind me of someone who broke my heart years and years ago... He reminded me of someone I loved. For weeks, I couldn't stop thinking of him at times, and when I saw him, I couldn't take my eyes off him.
And then that one Friday after school, I told my friend.
Maybe that day, I looked so sad, but for some reason, he kept looking at me. Maybe it was because I was filled with guilt and shame for thinking of another person when I had a boyfriend... But I was devastated. I don't know why, but he wouldn't stop looking, and deep inside, I was hoping that he would come up to me and say something.
When it was clear to me he probably wasn't even caring about what I was feeling, I left.
On that Saturday, I spent that day with my boyfriend, sometimes when he was playing CS, I would think about Josh, and how badly fucked up my life was.
I never stopped thinking about Josh that weekend.
But it was on the night of Sunday that I finally decided something. I shouldn't spend the rest of my life like this. I am hurting myself right now. And it was then I decided to stop thinking that way.
Cameron, the person beside my locker, was not Josh, no matter how much I wish it could be. He could never be him. Josh, for all I know, could be dating someone else and having the time of his life, or he could be thinking of me too. But I would not know either way, so why should I be so heart broken over it? Yes, I loved him, and I still do... But if Fate wanted us to meet and if we were fated to be together, I am sure that it would happen. And maybe, Josh would not have wanted me to be this way...
Everything happens for a reason sometimes... Maybe this is one of those things... It's about time... Four years is a very long time...
And plus, I love my boyfriend...
Our ten months anniversary is coming up soon.
What should I get him for our one year?
* * * * *
I am sorry to those readers who are expecting a different ending, but this is all the conclusion I can give to you right now. Maybe if I had different thoughts, I would update more, so it is not an epilogue yet. This whole story is pretty much the truth.
I am making another story, one that is just sometimes imaginary and what comes from my mind when I am depressed or when I'm thinking of Josh. I don't know how it's going to go yet, and I don't know the title yet, but I will say it is the sequel to 'Love is Pain' on the summary. Other than this, I really don't know. Other than the fact that me and Josh meet. Just a nice story to write sometimes.
This story is quite short, isn't it? Oh wellz. Maybe one of these days, I'll extend it. But I'm getting old and the memories really don't last forever.
One last thing... I'd like to thank my friend, Chen, for helping me out when everything's been hectic and disastrous. Thank you for letting me borrow your shoulder when I need it. Thank you for everything. And Jenny. Thank you, both of you.
* * * * *
I love you...