"Realization"

When soft hearts begin to crack in two
And you're eyes call for a sane thought
You'll have no one to hold you and tell you it's all okay
Sins that you want to take back and forget
A soft drizzle of rain outside the frame of your mind
Desire for a love that is pure and real
But only coming back with hate and deceptions

Blood red tears stream down soft cheeks
And I wish for a sane thought to comfort me
Insecurity has swiftly blanketed my black soul
And without a state of mind or ability to say I can love you
I can't make a promise to keep
Or a shallow hope to make you happy now
Can't you see this is all I have left?
You are the one and only thing I can believe in
God has given up on me and Satan won't accept my calls

Why can't we all just want and desire what is real
And not be thrown like a rag into a dream-like world of play
Out of the spoken words of my faith I can feel
The cherade of Christian life
And the mask that I must use to hide my feelings with
And to my mother I wish best of luck in life without me
Never around to be considered real
But never was father who would go out to work and come home to abuse
Abuse you and I with words so harsh no man hath spoken such since

The only friend I have found confidence in
A sharp and damning friend I can say
Is the blade of my knife and a razor sharp image
An image that haunts my beckoned soul to Hell
And the Crucified can't match with their forgiving arms
Dear Lord what have I become in this life?
Can't one sin and not be forgotten
Is there a password to the Sacred?
Or am I cast away now...unwanted by anyone or anything
Or is my meaning to suffer
And torment myself with these jokes?

Where the hell was God when I lost my mind
When I needed a source for help
When I needed something to believe
And have a faith in?
Why wasn't I ever allowed to have a peaceful day
Or even a hour to calm myself from these thoughts
Thoughts so black and tainted that not even in the most perverse mind
Could they be carried out like I so oft desire to
Is murder of one's self image a sin, too?
Or is it a way to calm the ending static that is all that is left
Left of what could have been a real soul
But is now nothing but a dim shadow

Is there a reason why I can not bring myself to cry
Why my thoughts slip in and out of what could be right
Or could be so very wrong, but fun in the sense of twisted childrens games?
Clowns scream and daunting me like a plague washing over the scene of schitzophrenic features
What is this fucking shit in front of me now?
Thrown in and out of reality
I can't take much more of this
I'm about to snap and loose myself
And no one could ever save me
Not a single soul alive

Where do you go when the Voices become too much
And the dim hope that you once had dies
And the fear you live in is all that is left
And nothing can repent what you believed
Where for are you going now when you lie
The truth is so distant
But the lies are so convincingly real
You follow what you can to seek the light
If there is such a light
God is a fucking sadist to us all
Laughing as we hope from foot to foot
Kicks and laughs he has, pain and suffering we endure

Cuddle with me now please oh Great Lover
One that is a forsaken love that can be real
A sinful pleasure and delight that can't save
But can deny the entry of further black
Black that confines what I am
Who I am, and what I was
Given the world with no chance of survival
Fuck you all who read this and don't understand
I am God's doll and Satan's errand boy
This is what I can't understand
Who the fuck does love me?
If anyone could ever love such a fucked up child
Dirty is his mind
Scourged is his soul

Fires within water fantasy
Painful delight insinuated by strawberry red gashings
Danielle come take me away from this end
Plug the pain and fuck me over like before
Sin after sin, drug after drug, find a calmer
Find something to bring an end to all this Goddamn pain that we share
Is this my own wants and wishes?
How the hell can I ever know for sure?
Shit happens they say
But does it? Or is it all sent at me for no recall
Because I am apathetic to the suffering
Scaring and burns that won't heal
Tear away at my skin and body

Pieces of my life are blowing away now
Like a crumbling tower of anger
I have no blame to point at
No one to trust with my secrets that kill me
Slowly loss of mind and body seem so fun
And the fucking lights that always seem right
Fade into the darkening sunset that no one has ever seen
Can't be seen with a normal mind set
But one that is as dark as coal and bloody as an angels wing
They live on the edge of sin and salvation
One wing drenched in blood
Other in fear of what God may do

I want to die now
And forget the sharp and stabs that cut into me
The heart aches that I scream for now
The want of a rusted nail
Nothing more can please this child
For all he wants to do is shove it into his skull
And rip out the damning mind that won't allow him peace
The kind that won't shut the hell up when asked
Or release from the anger and painfully real scaring that can't be healed
How can one heal the wounds of a past true love being lost
The addiction on Meth to scare yourself into being good
And the hate that comes from so many that claim to love you

The shine of a blade in your hand
The reflections of rain drizzling outside the window of your soul
And the sharp anger that is released when brought to the skin
And dig deeply in to get it out
Get out the rusted soul and save yourself
Deeper and deeper into the mind of ones eye
Rip out from the arm and slam into the eye
And play with it until it hurts
Until you can't stand it anymore and you break down
Break down and cry like a child whose lost his mom
Whose never known a moment of love
Or a cherished friend to say he did love
Fuck me now as I slowly crawl back into my mind

Sacrafice to me all your sins
It is I that must accept the invite to Hell for you
The Gates of Heaven are forever locked to me
I see nothing because I've gone totally blind
And my eyes now rest on the table beside me
Blood in a pool around them
And veins of sin that are a grotesque yellow
Dance around wildly
Looking for a new home to crawl into
Crawl back into my empty sockets and blank holes
Where my lost soul once rested, too

Down the drain goes all life and dreams
Circle now...circle until nothing is left
Blame me for it all
Cut me deeper and deeper
Shallow be your ideals
And remember that I can't be what you always wanted
Because I live within a moments breath
The breath of time that is forever cast
I am nothing to you
And never shall be more then a ghost
A greying child lost caused and sorrowful
Save me please?

I'm crying now as I write these words
I try and understand what I've done to ask for it all
The weight of the world rests within my ears
And the screams of everything I've done wrong
Beg for me
Pray that I can sleep tonight with what I've done
May I sleep with the angels whose wings are soaked with blood
And the fate of the world that rests within my bounds
Can't we all fucking release our pains
And be forgiven?
Save me oh wonderful Goddess that lies without reach
A saviour that I want to seek
But can not because I am forver trapped
Secure and nicely locked away in the hate and lies
Save your time and effort
Now I am not worth it at all

Red fields and blue blood soaked papers dance across the sky
Twilight has come to usher me away
And as I close my arms and mind to this definate end
I can only leave without the thoughts of what pain I've caused
Suffering from everything I've done and known
Mother who hated and lied to
Father who abused and tried to make it better with candy coated promises
Promises that I never saw kept or awakened from the dark
Fuck you now...fuck me...fuck us all
This is what we get
When we decide to play with fire
And the painful fucking realizations crawl in