Disclaimer: Everything mentioned here is mine, bwah! ^^ Just thought I'd add that anyway, lol.
Notes: Hihi! My first piece to Fictionpress is one I've actually had stashed away for sometime. It's from a first person perspective, or I hope it is at least lol. Anyways, would be grateful if ya'd review ^______^
Lots of lil' stars and squiggly things means a change in places and times and stuff, ya get that picture right? Okies! ^^
Have you ever had your dreams shattered?
Have you ever felt that down feeling knowing that everything went wrong?
Watching your emotions and visions collapse and break in front of your eyes is sheer terror. Like glass cracking and falling to floor in millions of pieces, it is not a great experience. It's one I never want to see or feel ever again.
But now, for the first time in my life I truly realise what people mean when they say 'don't get your hopes too high'. They're trying to warn you that nothing you expect can ever go right or the way you want it.
I wish I had taken more notice of that saying so I wouldn't feel so down, depressed and regretful now. I would've known that his life was going to end without getting my spirits too high about him pulling through, then grieving for the rest of my life because it didn't sink in deep enough that he really was going to die. That he was ready to leave me so soon.
So far I've been pushed onto the brink of ending my own life, to suicide and leaving everything I once held behind me. I just want to collapse and cry. He was everything to me. My eyes, my hopes and my world in one single person.
And now I always feel so alone.
So spaced out from myself. So put back at the thought of life and all its tribulations. Maybe it's better if it stays that way. I know that I'm never going to return to my normal self without serious help. But what's even the point if I don't want to get over it? If I don't want to forget all the happy memories I once held.
My memories are the only things that keep me going through my days of remorse. The days when we would sit in each other's arms and watch the sun set behind its dark sheets and the moon rise to take over the night stars. Helping each other through hard battles we could only fight together, whispering the simple phrase 'I love you'. That phrase I'll never hear again from his lips as long as I live. I'll never again see his gleaming eyes burn into mine, never be able to touch him or speak my words back.
Such painful memories, but ones I want to keep. The ones that will burn forever alive in my mind, the ones that will stay with me until I leave this world also and when we shall meet again in another life to start from where we left off.
Until that moment though, I can't do much else other than watch the days fly by when we will rejoice again. In fact, what's the point of waiting? I could end my existence now and be with him in less than a second. All these present days of watching minutes pass by so slowly make me feel like I'm stuck in a continuous time warp that won't actually end as long as my heart still beats. The heart that still longs for his.
I'm going slowly mad. Ten years we've been apart. It's been too long for me. Why waste time now when I could be running to his arms again and pressing my lips to his like we did so many times before.
Why did he have to die? Why can't my friends be more supportive? Should I join him now but leave others with only visions of me still locked in their head?
Why so many questions?
I was always the one who made the decisions. I never had any say when I was presented with problems. I was so looked upon when I didn't want to be. Well, this time I'm making my own decision. For me, no-one else.
I don't care what other people think or say about my existence, my longing to be with my lover once again is too strong. It's slowly eating away at me and I can't stop it from taking it over. I need him. I can't carry on without him. We can be together again; all it takes is a simple cut. A clean one, just across my main life of blood and that's it.
I already have a blade in my hand ready to make the move, pressed softly against my wrist. A thin blue line of reality pulsing with being and animation is my key to the other life. I just need to acknowledge my decision with myself. Then that's it. No more tears and suffering, no more aggravation. I can be free of everything.
I sigh for a moment, listening to the silence around my calm breathing and me. I'm going to do it, for me and for him. Not for anybody else. I'm not afraid and I am fully aware of what I'm leaving behind. But this is something I have to do.
And yet there's a swift and nagging feeling tugging at my soul… Is this really the right thing? Is this what he'd want? For me to give up my whole life, everything I've lived, hoped and dreamed of for him? I don't know. I'm so confused. For months my mind has toyed with my heart, telling it to love again and then to not, to keep my feelings for only him real. Alive. And yet here I am on the verge of suicide. I can't help but argue with myself. This feels so right and yet so wrong. How can I make a decision based and tied upon two cases?
The truth is… I can't. I can only guess.
It's either now or never, I'm only going to get this one chance in my state of mind. After all, why should I wait a lifetime when I can spend an eternity with him now?
I tilt the shining blade at an angle on my wrist and gently bear down on my soft but icy cold skin. I wince, gritting my teeth at a shooting pain traveling the whole length of my arm swiftly like a bolt of thunder hitting water. I observe my mark with tears of sadness in my eyes. A definite slit stands out across the main artery on my left wrist; a sudden rush of rust red liquid begins to flow from the cut, continuous like a river. I follow its path carefully with my eyes as it runs off my wrist to fall onto the tiles beneath me with an echoing drip. Each echo seems like a countdown now.
My mind is blurring and my vision failing. The arm holding the blade tarnished with my viability and stains of life drops to the tiles and falls from my clasped fingers emitting a sharp clink. My head slowly drops forward, my breath catching in my throat, my body weakening. My eyes falter completely to black and close.
My heart seems to beat it's last, drained from it's vital living blood it can't do anything more. I feel like I'm slipping slowly into darkness, onto the other side, taking in the last of the surroundings of my place of death.
Maybe I can say that I've done the correct thing, maybe I can say that I haven't. Maybe I've made a huge mistake? Maybe… maybe I keep asking myself too many questions.
Either way, I've no regrets.
Am I in a dream?
"Why..? Why did you do it?" His familiar, concerned voice re-enters my system after so many years.
He's here with me? I'm here? Where am I…? I open my eyes to a world of white, and nothing else except him. He is stood before me… He takes my wrist, turning it upside down to vividly show the mark I made on myself. All the blood has gone; all that remains is a red mark similar to the one that runs across my soul. A life long scar, a dark reminder of what I did for him.
"I...I couldn't bear to be without you any longer. I was slowly losing it without you with me," My voice falters slightly as my throat catches.
His eyes question as I gaze into them. The eyes I haven't seen for ten years light up his face. "You didn't have to die for me."
"I couldn't help it." I look down at his hands, the ones that are reaching out for mine and taking them gently. How I've longed for this moment to come true… and now it is.
"Do you realise what you've left behind? Did you even stop to think and consider what people are going to do as a result of your death?" His soft blue eyes rain down on me questioningly.
I sigh quietly to myself "It doesn't matter now. We're together again. As far as I'm concerned that's all that counts."
It's all that counts to me…
"You don't know how much I've missed you," His voices interrupts the silence that followed with an embrace that he pulls me into.
"You don't know how long I've waited for this moment," I reply.
Tears flow from my tired eyes and onto his shoulder. All I would've ever dreamed of after he died I thought I'd never witness or feel again. Now I'm certain we can start it over, do it all again and live together with the memories this time. Feelings like this I haven't felt ever since he left my world to come to this one. But now that we are together in the same place again, everything will turn out all right, I'm sure of it. We can carry on in this world what we left half finished behind us.
We can bring back the not so painful memories of the past and relive them again. As long as I'm with him, I know I can do anything I want, I can be anything I want. Neither him nor me is ever leaving again. We can make dreams come true if we work through it together. Like some people say, love conquers all. And in our case, through bad weather, breakups and death that kills sometimes what we may believe… I think it really does.
Or is this not meant to be? Can I tell by the distressed shadow in his eyes or the frown upon his lips? Am I going to snap back to reality? ……I hope not.