If you are an American.well, I pity you deeply. You poor buggers. I apologise for any offence you may incur as a result of this rubbish. Actually, beneath my calm and sardonic British exterior, I am laughing manically and babbling incoherent nonsense about my extreme hatred of the United States.

That sort of thing sounds very amusing in a Welsh accent. Unfortunately, the humour does not translate. Hwyl! - Gwenllian

Scene: An elderly couple listens to the radio in an irritatingly dull semi, in an excruciatingly dreary estate, in an unspeakably drab bit of Surrey.

Radio: The weather will be lovely tomorrow, with a slightly elevated chance of afternoon showers-(irritating news bulletin music)--We break into this programme to tell you some really big news.

Margaret: "Really big news?" I really don't know what they're on about at the wireless these days; sometimes I really don't.

Radio: A new law passed today in Parli-er-up in London where they make the laws, you know, reads as follows: Due to strengthened ties with the U.S.A., you are now allowed only to use words of two or less (grammar is being thrown out, as well) sylla-er-bits. Proper names are all right, though. Use of unclear talking punished by fines. Thank you.

Arthur: I say, this would never have happened if the Tories were still in.

Radio: Spelling will also be changed. All those pointless "u's" will be dropped from words such as colour and favourite.

Margaret: What is this world coming to?

Radio: Birmingham, sadly, has been destroyed by the U.S. Bush calls this "a warning of atrococities to come, if our demands are not met. If y'all ain't with us, we'll nuke something else. Ha ha ha!"

Arthur: I never liked them Brummies, anyhow.

Margaret: Those, dear.

Arthur: It doesn't matter now. We're supposed to speak American, aren't we?

Radio: The BBC has announced its plan to broadcast American telly programmes from now on.

Margaret: Let's go out to the old shelter in the garden, shall we? Arthur: Yes, all right.

Radio: Now sit back, relax, and listen to the happenin' tunes of Britney Spears!

Arthur: On second thought, I think I'll get the cyanide.

Margaret: But suicide's prohibited by the Bible!

Arthur: So? We're Church of England.

Margaret: Oh, yes. That's all right then.

Both: ARRRrrrrgh.blurg.

Radio: Now on to the Mickey Mouse and his happy friends singalong hour! With our special guest this week, Pres. George Bush!

Bush: Howdy.

THE END.OF CIVILISATION AS WE KNOW IT.