Next Month

Day 1

I hate jail. It is sooooo boring. And there are all these pathetic people who think they're so cool because they busted a cage or lived in a forbidden jungle or ate an iguana. GET A LIFE YOU MORONS! And then there's the other stuff. They are imprisoning us against our will! We can't go to jail, we're bats! True, they are giving us free food, free accommodation, free sanitation facilities and a huge tree but this really cannot make up for the inconvenience we have suffered!
Day 2

Johnny just pointed out that we are not in jail, we are in a zoo. Great. They are treating us like we are animals or something! One thing I must admit has been bothering me for many hours....why did the American police force come across the sea just to put us in an English zoo? (I think there is a massive problem with the plot here, however I will remain silent and let the stupid idiot who is creating this stuff continue. Please ignore this mistake and proceed with your pointless reading.)
Day 3

WOOHOO! The people from C.R.A.P came and freed me and Johnny! I am so happy I am so happy I am so happy oh damn it! I hit my wing on the computer. Oh well, what a pity, never mind.
Day 4

Good grief, my life is boring. The only interesting things that have happened to me since I got here were the forming of the Countrywide Revolution Against Popstars, the Cambridge attack, Sammy, the plague alert, the zoo problem and some other stuff. I hate my life. It's boring.
Day 5

I tried to talk to Gemma. She reckons that some people are never satisfied and that I should go back to the zoo. Sammy agrees. Must confront her about suspected affair... I hate the world and everything in it. Except pubs. Pubs are nice and they're always there for me.
Day 8

Gemma. Gemma. Gemma. Everything is about GEMMA! All I get from people is "How is Gemma?" or "Is Gemma OK?" I would appreciate it if somebody would ask about ME once in a while; I am alive too, contrary to popular opinion.
Later that day

Oh dear. Oh no. Oh no no no no nooooooooo. Gemma is in a veterinary surgery due to a collision with the windscreen if a car. No wonder everyone was asking about her...I am so stupid. Mummy is going to KILL me. I suppose I should visit Gemma now, she was knocked down last night (or was it the night before?) and I haven't seen her yet.
Later than that

Gemma is soooo ungrateful. I come to visit her at 15:00 and what do I get? I get yelled at, that's what I get! Gemma reckons that any caring brother would have come to visit as soon as he found out about the accident instead of 2 days later. She gets so cranky sometimes. I guess it must have been due to the many fractures in her legs...Oh who am I kidding, I am a terrible brother. As soon as Gemma has recovered I am going to take her back to the rainforest in the hot place on the other side of the world.
Day 10

I received an interesting threatening letter this morning in the post. This is what it said:
To whom it may concern,

We know who you are and we know whom you're working for. We have the bomb and we are not afraid to use it. We also have your friend, Johnny. If you want to see him again you must hand over the imports now and then we may consider letting him go. If you do not comply, we will destroy everything. Have a nice day,



How lame is that?!?!? It must be the guys from C.R.A.P. although I wasn't aware that any of the remaining members had any sort of sense of humour...but come on, that is soooo pathetic. Gemma wrote me far more convincing threatening letters when she was a toddler!! They haven't even signed it so I wouldn't know whom to give the "imports" to if I wanted to. And WHAT IMPORTS? I don't get imported stuff, it's all terrible quality...I suppose one could argue that I myself am imported...oh dear.
Day 11

I noticed a sniper outside my batbox. He probably works for some random rockstar who's career may have been ruined by our interference...I think it's time to move house.
Day 12

I just watched an interesting film called "Bar Doors: The Vodka Strikes Back". It was very odd. I think it may have put me off drink for life. Well, now that I've done my writing for today, I think I'll just go out for a quick drink.
Day 15

Sammy's gone now. That's probably a good thing. But if anyone asks, I dumped HER, OK? Oh yeah, Gemma has now recovered so I sent her packing and she's going home tomorrow. Thank goodness, she was getting so irritating. I probably shouldn't say that...oh well, nobody is going to look at this anyway.
Day 17

Gemma left today. She seemed very annoyed at being forced out of the country. Oh well. Johnny just showed up with both his legs in plaster and asked me why I didn't give the imports to X. Apparently they are preparing to detonate the bomb at 17:00 five days from now. Johnny overheard and escaped with broken legs. How the hell was I supposed to know that the letter was real????
Day 18

I informed C.R.A.P. of the letter and the bombing plans. They didn't believe me so I brought Johnny in. He didn't manage to convince them either so we held them at gunpoint and told them our plan. We will attack X at the appropriate time.
Day 19

I hate X. He/she/it/they suck(s). I lost my gun. I never had a gun. Whose gun did we use the other day then???? I am disturbed. I am also bored. I suppose I should go to Johnny's 5-day military training course, just to be safe. I don't remember Johnny joining the army...oh well.
Day 20

I don't know Johnny nearly as well as I thought I did. Apparently his father was in the army and he taught Johnny a thing or two. Johnny's mother played guitar in a rock band. How come my parents didn't do anything interesting like that? It's not fair.
Day 21

It's the day of the attack. Oh for crying out loud, who cares? Lets go out and party...OK, maybe not. I am sooo scared though. I am about to lead a bunch of innocent (!) bats into the clutches of X and I don't even know how.
Day 22

X had already been shot and the bomb was de-activated before we got there. That was VERY disappointing. I'm going out to watch basketball.
Day 26

Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meee, happy birthday to me. Guess what?! It's my birthday! I bet nobody's remembered. The party is the only interesting thing about getting older. My death will be sooner than it was last year. Damn. I hate birthdays.
Later that day

There was a surprise party! Cool! I like parties. Parties are very cool. Mummy came and gave me a present. In fact, I got quite a few presents. Here is a list:
Sammy(!)-T-shirt with picture of a knife and dripping blood that said, "thinking of you..." on it.
Gemma-Batman DVD (unfortunately I do not own a DVD player)
The guy who sorts out the back up plans when things go wrong at the C.R.A.P.

(Jerry)-A mug which reads: "If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you"
Gemma's boyfriend(!)-Socks (why????)
ME-A CD player. I know I shouldn't buy myself birthday presents but does it really matter that much? Who are you anyway?
Thus concludes my list of birthday presents. I think Johnny's getting violent...the whole army thing and the bazooka...oh dear.
Day 28

Johnny shot someone. WHAT AN IDIOT! I suppose all he really did was fire an acorn using a homemade catapult but I really think he needs to seek professional help...oh no, here he comes.
Day 29

I suggested a shrink and Johnny hit me and ran for it. Gemma (she returned for my birthday and is staying here with Mummy) caught him and is holding him captive in a box. She keeps playing soothing music to try and calm him down. I really don't know where she gets these ideas from...never mind. I'm going out to watch rugby.
Day 30

Johnny has admitted that he has a problem and is trying join anger management classes. Unfortunately none will accept him because he is a bat. Not that again...I need to sue someone for this.
Day 31

Oh cruel cruel world. Leave me alone. I'm going flying with Johnny. Maybe that'll make him feel better. Oh God, I see a dog. Or is that a coyote? They don't have coyotes in England do they? Oh it's a fox. That's not much better. Oh dear. Where is Johnny? I didn't see him leave...and coincidentally there happens to be a fox in the vicinity with blood dripping from its fangs...oh dear. That's not good.