Why My Bladder is Abnormally Large
(Explained in a Mildly Disturbing and Roundabout Way by Yours Truly)
There's a bastard cockroach in my bathroom. It's large and reddish-brown in color. It's long and disgusting, and it exists for the sole purpose of tormenting me - that's the only reason it's alive. When I'm not in the bathroom, it just ceases to be. 'Cause I've searched for the bastard, you better believe I have. But it's like the light in the refrigerator - it's not there till you can see it.
You think I'm joking. Well I'm not. This thing has no purpose whatsoever except to be on the bathroom rug whenever I have to pee at night. And it's never there during the day, no. And, I don't want to hear any of that "roaches are nocturnal" BS either.
See, I think it knows. I think it's developed a consciousness of its own and has singled me out for torture. I mean, it's only there between 11pm and 4:30am Any other time, it's probably living the good life, hangin' out with its little roach buddies in the little roach motel! Hell, it's not in my bathroom, that's all I know. But every time I go downstairs to pee at night, there it is, always in the exact same place, too. So I go to get the flyswatter to beat the crap out of the little bastard, but when I get back, it's always gone. Just...disappears.. And nobody else ever sees him, isn't that bizarre?
What, you think this is funny, huh? Well it ain't! You see me laughing? No! This is serious - I...I dread getting up at night now. Do you know what it's like to wake up at 3:37am and have to piss and think, "Aw damn, that bastard sentient cockroach is down there waiting for me!"? No, you don't, so shut your piehole!
I mean, I mean what am I supposed to do, hold it? Nah, you ever try that? It doesn't work. So I gotta go downstairs, all the while knowing that...that thing, that germ-covered insect is gonna be sitting on that carpet waiting for me when I get there. And he's smiling, you know that? Yeah, I've seen him. I open the door and flip on the light and there he is, looking up at me, his little mandible mouthparts grinning and smiling and you little bastard I - I just wanna step on him but I'm never wearing slippers or even socks and don't wanna get his guts all in my toes- that's sick!
So what do I do, I mean I can't just leave him there and I sure can't pee - you ever try to piss with somebody lookin' at ya? It can't be done, it's a psychological fact, you can't pee if somebody's starin' at ya, and lemme tell ya, that little bastard can stare. His beady eyes and wiry antennae and oh I loathe you...you bastard...you - oh I even tried wearing shoes to bed one night. Yeah, that didn't work. I mean, I have no idea what to do, but...but you just wait, I'm coming for ya, one of these days...hehe...one of these days you're mine!