One By One, the Penguins Steal My Sanity…

Soon you've finally come. Figures you'd be here.

After all, I've seen a lot of crazy things during my life. Blimp wrecks, teenagers, and monkey knife fights. But never before have I witnessed…

"Aw jeez, now he's talking to himself!"

"Shut up, Kami. He's in one of his 'incoherent rambling' trances."

"What's your point? He's always like that. Going on mumbling about pants and why he thinks his hair's falling out."

"Oh shit. This better not be what I think it is," I ventured, already creeping toward the kitchen, where I kept my knives.

"You didn't think we'd go away just because you stopped thinking about us, did you?" smiled Kaze.

"Yeah. We're as much a part of you as your memories, your desires, and your blinding rage," said Kami.

"Didn't you almost drive me to the point of biting my shoe just to taste 'uncooked cow leather', which by the way, tastes like crap?"

"Yeah, those were good times," reminisced Kami.

"Why won't you leave me alone?!" I cried as I desperately stumbled my way towards the kitchen, trying to find the steak knife in the cabinet. I managed to grab hold of the knife, but not before cutting myself in twelve different places. Unfortunately I failed in my pathetic attempt to stab my right eye, probably because I was wearing glasses, and instead slashed my nose. Being the hemophiliac that I am, I took one look at the blood, screamed Bloody Mary, fell down on my ass, and promptly backed myself into the stove. Which conveniently knocked off the pot of boiling, no make that scalding, water onto me. Or more specifically, my head, which was already quite dizzy from the total loss of four red blood cells. On a side note, the combination of scalding water and a steak knife in one's hand do not go well together. But I digress. Anyway, I chose that exact moment to crane my head upward, and in return for that precious expenditure of energy, got a few quarts of liquid fire in my eye. Mind you, this was the same eye I was originally trying to stab. But that's not the point. As any normal human being would, I responded to the sudden pain by letting go of the steak knife in order to wipe the water and blood from my face. In retrospect, that was probably very stupid, because that steak knife just happened to fall and introduce itself to my left middle finger. That hurt. More than the nose wound, but probably less than a lobotomy. Let's salvage whatever dignity I have left and just say that I eventually blacked out.

One by one, the penguins steal my sanity…

I should probably explain what the hell is going on, as the average reader would no doubt be scratching his/her head until it became raw and bloody. The above-average reader would no doubt rip apart this document in disgust or if he/she were using a computer, would punch the screen and chuck the keyboard out the window. Conversely, the below-average reader would no doubt place this document in a fireplace and sacrifice it to whatever gods they worship. Either that or find someone to explain the complicated, multi-syllable words to them in a clear and understandable manner. Something along the lines of: Talk in head. Blood and knives. Hurt self.

For the purposes of completing this narrative and retaining at least an atmosphere of rationality, I will now tell you my story. A story that has been carved into the history of the world. A story that has been told throughout the ages and immortalized in story and song. A story which has left its mark in the people's souls. A story that I made up just now, crammed to the hilt with hackneyed quips and poorly worded colloquialisms. A story…of long ago…

One By One, The Penguins Steal My Sanity

Let me start from the beginning. I believe it was two weeks ago when this whole fiasco began. Yes, I remember it like it was yesterday…

It was a day like any other. I got up, went to school, slept through half my classes, and came home. Yessiree, a day like any other…

I was just about to cross the street to my house when I noticed some green.

"What the hell…Green…rectangle…Benjamin Franklin…HELL YEAH!!!!!! $100!!!!!!" I leapt up and whooped for joy, scaring some nearby pigeons into taking off. I peered closely at the bill and held it up to the light to check its validity. I wasn't disappointed.

I ran home at top speed, blissfully reveling in my ecstatic rapture. So I wasn't aware of the baseball rocketing for my head until it made impact. Ouch. And with a resounding crash, I went down. Hard. I barely managed to utter a swear word before darkness overwhelmed me…

"Oh…me hurtee…"

"So you're finally awake."

I jumped. Or I would've if I could feel the rest of my body. I slowly opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. Nothing. Just darkness.

"Where…the hell…am I?" I tried to speak, but no sound came out.

"You are in your subconscious," a little voice said. Actually, I couldn't hear it, but instead it felt like it was directly broadcast into my brain.

"Who are you? What's going on?" I questioned. I tried moving the rest of my body, but to no avail.

Just then, a shadow slowly appeared in front of me. Two shadows. They finally came into view. I tried to rub my eyes in disbelief, but remembering that I had no hands, I settled for blinking numerous times. Which really made no difference, because all I could see was blackness.

The first one looked like a penguin. A red penguin with a trident. Who was grinning in an all-around evil manner. The second one was another penguin, only this time it was white and had some glowing circle thing around its head. Oh yeah, it had wings too.

I decided that since I was obviously losing my mind, it probably wouldn't be so harmful to attempt some conversation with the penguins. "So…what exactly are you guys?"

"I am Kami. I represent all that is evil and wrong about you," said the red penguin.

"I am Kaze. I represent all that is good and true about you," said the white penguin.

"Okay…Maybe that baseball hit me harder than I thought."

"No, it's true. We exist only in your imagination, yet we are an essential part of you all the same," explained Kami.

"…"

"You can think of me as your conscience. That little nagging voice that tells you not to steal, not to cheat, not to lie and not to go completely psycho on everyone." Kaze smiled and bowed, which is quite an accomplishment when you're a penguin.

"I am your dark side. I am that little voice that tells you to steal, to cheat, to lie, and to hit everyone with large sticks. I feed off your anger and sorrow. It is like sugar to me!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Kami threw back his head and laughed maniacally, which promptly caused him to fall over backwards.

"Why are you in the form of penguins?" I asked.

"Because penguins are funny," answered Kaze. She smiled in a coquettish sort of way, which in reality freaked me out, because penguins can't really smile all too well.

"What do you want with my life?!"

"It has come to our attention that you have found a 100 dollar bill. And since you were so conveniently knocked out, we've decided to tell you what to do with it, driving you insane in the process," Kami informed me.

"But mostly we're here to bicker and attempt to kill each other, because that's what we always end up doing," said Kaze.

I tried to run, but remembering that I had no legs, I settled for screaming like a drugged infant. "Get me out of here!!!! Someone!!! Penguins are trying to kill me!!!!" Unfortunately, not a sound came out of my mouth. If I even had a mouth…

"Oh please, we're not trying to kill you," scoffed Kaze.

"Not yet…" began Kami.

"Shut up, Kami. We don't want to scare the poor kid."

"Oh why not? It's what I do."

"It's not good for his sanity."

"What do I care about his sanity?"

"Look, we're both here to guide this kid."

"But messing with his mind is so much fun."

"Just stop it."

"No, you stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Being a jerk."

"Jerk? Remember, I'm the good, reasonable one."

"Oh, you think you're so big with your halo and your angel wings! Oh look at me! I'm your good side, I'm so great because I'm so pretty and white and not insane! Well you know what?! YOU SUCK!" mocked Kami, anger flaring in his penguin eyes.

"You're just jealous because no one listens to the bad side. Isn't that right?" retorted Kaze.

"You're going down, bitch!" Kami charged toward Kaze in a rage.

"Give me your best shot!" taunted Kaze.

I have to admit, it was worth getting smashed in the head with a foreign object and hearing strange voices in my head just to see this. Needless to say, seeing penguins beating the crap out of each other is highly amusing. Their little flippers and beaks rained down on each other as they went at it in a knock-down, drag-out brawl. I was choking on my own tears of mirth and probably would've died from suffocation if the fight hadn't ended. Eventually, Kami managed to subdue Kaze and crawled over to me.

"I've done it. I've shut up that whining brat for good. Now, you and I can burn all the cities of the earth!!!!! And bring the world to its knees!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!" Kami laughed maniacally again. Come to think of it, that was probably where I got my own style of laughter.

"I don't know…burning cities…seems kind of risky," I replied.

"Oh come now. Don't tell me you've never had dreams of world domination before. Imagine…All the people of earth at your service. I know you want that, and I can make it happen! All you need to do is let the darkness guide you," said Kami with an evil glint in his eye.

"Well, that does seem tempting…but…"

"You wuss! Kaze's turned you into a sissy hasn't she?! You'll never rule the world with that attitude!"

"I'll show you who's a wuss! I'll show everyone! What the hell, let's do it!" I exclaimed.

"No! Don't listen to him!" interrupted Kaze, pushing Kami away. "You have to fight the evil! Embrace the light! Don't give in to—"

"Don't listen to her! She's just trying to trick you! Join me and—"

"He's nuts! He'll kill you!"

"She's the only thing standing between you and power!"

"He's pure evil! He'll only lead you to ruin!"

"Power! Feel the power!"

The voices in my head grew to deafening proportions. I spun around and around, trying to shut off the voices, but it only succeeded in making me dizzy.

"NOOOOOO!!!!! STOP THE VOICES!!!!!!! STOP THE VOICES!!!!!! PLEASE STOP THE VOICES!!!!!!"

The penguins stopped, looked at me for a second, and resumed arguing. I tried backing away, still forgetting that I had no legs. When that didn't work, I tried closing my eyes, only to find out that I couldn't do that anymore. And so, the voices grew louder and louder and louder, until I couldn't take it anymore, and suddenly there was a flash of light, and I was blinded, and then…

The sky. I had never seen anything more beautiful. So blue and clear and pristine. I almost cried.

I found myself lying on the ground. There were trees and houses near me. The grocery store where I used to loiter. The fire hydrant with the dog piss. I slowly stood up, felt my head, and found a large bruise near my temple. I moved my joints and flexed my limbs. I jumped on one foot. I was…me again.

"YES!!!!!! I'm not insane!!!!" I cried out. "No more voices!!!! No more voices!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes!!!! Sanity Dance!!!! Look at your pants!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! In your face, space penguins! I am invincible!" For those of you wondering, yes, it's called the sanity dance. And yes, I called them space penguins.

I ran my way home, and giggling moronically, I opened the door of my house, still doing the sanity dance. I pranced into the kitchen where my mom was cooking and leaping onto a chair, shouted "Hey look! I'm not insane! I'M NOT INSANE! YAY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"That's nice, dear. But get off that chair before you fall," replied my mom, obviously not listening to a word I was saying.

And that's when I noticed.

"NO!!!!!!! MY HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL!!!! IT'S GONE!! NO!!!!!!!!!!"

And that's what happened…The beginning of it all…

Well now that you've wasted an irreplaceably large chunk of your time reading this pointless drivel, it's probably a good idea to try to forget that you ever saw this thing.

What?

You say there's more?

What do mean I didn't finish the story?

Oh…the part with the boiling water and the knife…

Oh yeah, well, you see, the thing is……bye!

-End Document-

P.S. No penguins were hurt in the making of this story.

P. P. S. I probably won't write a sequel to this.

P. P. P. S. Are you still here? Because if you're trying to find something meaningful in this, you've come to the wrong place.