They're Back! Now with More Penguiny-Goodness!
FLE. You'll never break me.
I did it once. I beat your quote sandwiches and formal sentences. I beat your proper grammar and structured format. You'll never break me.
"Huck is also very superstitious. He believes in signs and magical spirits. He accepts natural phenomena or coincidental events as bad luck or omens. This leads to the conclusion that Huck…"
I thought about it for a while. I flipped through the book. I stood up and took a walk. I ate an apple. I watched TV for half an hour. I played a few games of solitaire. I took a shower. I clipped my toenails. I arranged my shirts by percentage of polyester. I counted the wrinkles on my hands. I tried to hypnotize myself with a quarter. Finally I looked at my thesis: "While Huck has learned much about the world, he himself remains unchanged. Huck himself has not matured significantly during his adventure". I kept staring at it intently, concentrating so hard the words blurred and my retinas dilated. No sudden idea, no flash of inspiration. Which isn't to say that nothing came to me.
"Hey, Huck rhymes with duck!" Mindless giggling for a few minutes.
Then I went right back to the staring contest with Microsoft Word. My eyes started tearing up from the unhealthy exposure to bright light. My eyes glazed over, my cerebrum lost focus, and the next thing I saw was a strangely familiar silhouette dancing across the sentences.
As my brain succumbed under the barrage of radiation from the computer screen and my nervous system lost control of all my voluntary functions, I could hear a little voice, almost a whisper, in the back of my mind.
"Heh, heh, heh."
"Welcome back."
Crap. "That had better not be who I think it is."
I tried to open my eyes. Oh, that's right, I had no eyes. But seeing as all I could "perceive" was darkness, the lack of sensory organs didn't really leave me worse off.
"What do you want from my life?"
The red one appeared first. Stepping out of a gate of flames, he looked like some dark messenger from the gates of Hell. He grinned evilly. I shuddered, or tried to. He waved his trident in a menacing manner. I tried to run. No luck. Looked like I was in for the long haul.
Then the white one came, in a flash of feathers and whiteness. I tried to shield to shield my eyes from the glare, but to no avail. Kaze had a large blue stick this time. She smiled and struck a pose. I tried to will myself to die.
"I knew you'd come crawling back," began Kami, still grinning like a maniac.
Stupid penguins. "Excuse me, but I don't seem to recall crawling back to the darkest pits of my subconscious. Rather, it was more like God dragging me kicking and screaming into an infinitely deep hole that smells like pig shit."
"You smirk and laugh now, but by the time we're through with you, you'll be begging for a plastic fork to stab your lungs. But guess what?! You won't get it, because you don't have arms!" Kami threw back his head and launched into one of his trademark laughs, which reminded me of Hitler.
"Kami, we're not here to break his soul," said Kaze, twirling her stick like a baton.
"Really? I thought he didn't have a soul anymore. I mean, with the ramblings and constant attempts to stab people with plastic forks," said Kami matter-of-factly.
"Yeah, I agree. That's a problem. But that's what we're here for," answered Kaze.
"It's what guardian spirits do," agreed Kami.
"Why are a pair of smart-ass penguins telling me how to live? I mean, you guys are just figments of my overactive imagination. I should be controlling your every word. And since when are you my guardian spirits? I seem to recall you trying to lead me down the path to mental destruction."
"You'd think so, but in reality, the path to true inner peace is through hardship and adversity," stated Kaze in her stuck up little way. I squeezed my nonexistent eyes and willed my hardest to materialize flaming coconuts out of the wisps of my mind, striking Kami and Kaze from all sides until they were nothing but little piles of feathers and penguin entrails.
"Oh, so now you're trying to manifest your thoughts into reality, eh?" accused Kami.
"It's my own mind. I can do anything I want, damnit!" When the flaming coconuts didn't appear, I tried picturing a large whale squashing those little buggers.
"See, you don't understand. Our essences are not exactly part of your body. We have no physical form, so your mind just assigns a particular image so you can see us when you visit your subconscious. It's all really simple. By dwelling in the hidden parts of your brain, we can subtly influence your actions. We are the little voices in the back of your head that tell you to do stuff," explained Kaze, Ph.D. in psychological matters such as talking penguins and incessant voices.
"That means you guys can never die?"
"We're not exactly real, in a real sense, which doesn't really make sense when you really think about it."
I would've scratched my head if I could. "Are you sure I just don't have an extremely serious and possibly fatal mental illness?"
"No, you're good."
"Are you sure? Is it meningitis?"
"No."
"Rabies?"
"No!"
"Down's syndrome?"
"No!"
"Some kind of genetic disorder?"
"Then why does this always happen? I'm trying to finish my goddamn FLE and suddenly, penguins appear!"
"That's the point. We need to advise you on the matter of this so-called FLE," replied Kaze.
"What? You've got to be kidding me! I was doing just fine when you decided to ruin my life a second time."
"Yeah, sure, just tell me this. Did you get past the first paragraph?"
"I was working on that before some lunatic penguins showed up."
"I think it's pretty clear that without us, you'll end up ripping your hair out in large chunks and screaming like a baboon," stated Kami.
"If you really wanted to help, you'd think of an better idea for my thesis."
Kami paused to think. His little penguins eyes rolled into the back of his head as his little penguin brain struggled to come up with a plausible support paragraph for my shoddy thesis. "I got it! Huck has not matured very much during his journey because he is a whiny, boneheaded pinprick!"
I sighed. "That's not gonna work, Kami. I don't doubt that Huck really is a whiny, boneheaded pinprick, but unless it says that in the book, it would be a fraudulent claim," I explained exasperatedly.
"Do you wanna spend your life doing what's right?"
"Of course not!"
"Then there's no problem!"
"But won't I fail this if I write that?"
"What do you care? It's not like you actually learn things in English anyway."
"Still, an F would royally screw up my grade."
Kami frowned. "Do you want to spend your whole life forfeiting your own needs for another sucker's? Do you want to always postpone what you want to do for what you have to do?"
"Hell no!"
"Then stop being a certified wuss and write something! The sooner you finish this essay, the sooner you can start committing acts of wanton destruction!"
Kaze interjected. "Don't listen to my idiot cohort. I think the best thing to do would be to write a logical, clear, and well-presented argument for your essay. Then you can get better grades and go to a prestigious college of your choice! And then you'll get a high-paying powerful job and make millions of dollars, which you can donate to charity so that everyone will like you!" She beamed.
Kami harrumphed. "And then what? This is your life. Don't waste it helping others and being a good, law-abiding citizen. You've got only a few years left before your parents kick you out of their house and then you'll land a dead end job with a nagging unattractive wife and ungrateful kids who always spend what little money you make. And then you'll look back on your childhood years and then you'll feel that twinge of regret because you spent the best times of your life cooped up inside writing essays and doing math instead of breaking into cars and acting on every little whim that entered your fool head! And then you'll know I was right all along!"
"But if you don't get a good education, then you'll end up as a dirty hobo begging for quarters in the subway. Do you want that?" Kaze countered.
I thought about it. On one hand, it probably was a smart idea to write a good essay, thus improving my grades and chances of getting into college, which improved my chances of securing a good job. But on the other hand…Kami was right. If I chose that path, I'd have to always postpone everything I've ever wanted to do for meaningless things that I'd have to do, which would most likely have no real effect on the general quality of my life.
"Just think about it. You're bound to become old and frail in the long run. What would make better memories?" asked Kami.
"A good education is the key to happiness. Everyone knows that, that's why they have mandatory education now," retorted Kaze.
"The key to happiness to having the freedom to do whatever the hell you want."
"But that's not possible in a lawful society," I responded.
"Ah, screw you humans and your laws! Don't you realize that laws and ethics and morals are the only things holding you back from your dreams?!"
"How can you live like that? It would make us less than human, mere animals!" said Kaze, her face red and steaming like a teapot.
Kami sneered. "Better an animal freed than a human chained."
It seemed to me that the penguins, instead of nonsensically bickering, were starting to actually make some sense. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to dwell on this because the fur was starting to fly. Feathers, rather. If penguins had feathers. I mean, I think they have feathers, because I remembered hearing in biology class on one of those rare occasions when I wasn't sleeping or drawing or poking people that all birds had feathers, and correct me if I'm wrong, but penguins are birds.
And while I was pondering this perplexing issue, Kami and Kaze were going at it. Again. Yeah, you probably knew it was coming.
They smacked each other with their respective weapons. They clawed, they bit, and they tried sliding on their bellies in a futile attempt to run into each other, apparently forgetting that belly-sliding was only possible on ice, not in the depths of nothingness.
After several minutes of penguin brawling, Kami, out of breath and sporting fresh bruises crawled up to me. I was tempted to kick him a couple of times, but then I realized I had no feet, nor any appendages to speak of. I always kept forgetting…
"Finally, I think
she's dead for good," rasped Kami, getting to his feet.
"You're not even real
beings, how can she die?" I demanded.
"That's something I'll explain…eventually. But first, we take over the world."
"This thing again. How many times do I have to tell you, taking over the world is NOT my dream."
Kami frowned. "Then what is?" he questioned.
I frowned. I only had a vague idea of what a dream was anymore, seeing as my parents had crushed whatever hopes and wishes I ever had. I faltered for a second. "I guess my dream would be to go through life without screwing up too badly."
"What kind of wuss-dream is that? It's no wonder you're not insane yet. You're not dreaming big enough."
"But I like my sanity."
"That's the problem! You must be willing to give up everything, or else you will achieve nothing!"
I would've laughed if I could at the strangeness of the situation. Here he was, a scrawny, half-mad penguin, telling me I wasn't dreaming big enough. Well, that may have been true, but I wasn't gonna let some ice-sliding tuna-munchers push me around.
"I wanna rule the world as much as anyone else, but I don't think I'll do a very good job governing people."
"It's easy, trust me! Just execute some dissenters every now and then. Besides, it couldn't be worse than the current administration."
I smirked, despite myself. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to—"
CLUNK. Kami dropped like a large sack of kidney beans. Kaze stood over him, her stick raised. She smiled triumphantly and did a victory dance. I would've face-faulted if I had a face.
"Now I can finally teach you to walk the path of light," said Kaze, looking none the worse for having gotten into a scuffle a few minutes ago.
"The path of light? What the hell are you talking about?"
"The path that every kind-hearted, good-spirited person takes so he/she can live a happy, responsible life." Her perky exuberance and cheerful outlook made me want to punch her and hug her at the same time.
"I appreciate the help, but it's too late for me. I'm already too cynical and bitter to become one of those happy-happy, glass-half-full, silver-lining, goody-two-shoes." I involuntarily shuddered at the prospect of actually being, ugh, nice.
"It's never too late to change for the better."
"Don't waste your time preaching to me. I'm not a kid anymore. I can't believe in that stuff anymore."
"But you want to." She had me, I knew it.
I tried to smile wistfully. "We all want to. But…I'm just too damn mean."
"You could be nice if you tried."
"Probably, but that's another thing. Being nice takes effort. It's much easier acting like a jerk to everyone."
"My point exactly! Helping people takes too much energy! That's why world domination is the way to go!" Kami, who apparently recovered from that bump on the noggin, pushed in front of Kaze.
"Not you again! Stop trying to corrupt this poor kid!"
"Do you want him to
turn into an even bigger pansy than he already is?!"
"What?! I'm not a
pansy."
"Yeah, sure, and I'm not insane."
"Keep pushing it pengy, and feel my imaginary wrath!"
"What are you gonna do, imagine yourself beating me?"
"That's it, the first thing I do when I regain consciousness is imagining your death!"
"Oooo…I'm shaking in my flippers," mocked Kami.
I narrowed my eyes, I mean, my general field of vision. "If you think your puny insults can drive me insane, you're wrong."
"That's the spirit! Never give in!" cheered Kaze.
"Quiet, princess. I don't need your guidance either."
"Oh so now you don't want my help?"
"I've been trying to tell you that from the beginning! I don't need penguins, or anyone small vertebrates telling me what to do!"
"Or so you say, but without your good side, you would never be able to control your wild homicidal instincts. You'd beat up homeless people all the time and smash large breakable objects with a stick with a nail embedded in it. And when you've broken that nail, you'll get a bigger one, and you'll put that nail into the stick, and then you'll get bigger and bigger nails until your stick finally explodes! You want that? You want large sticks with even larger nails embedded in them?! You want them to explode in your face and send a 7 inch nail halfway through your skull?!"
"Yeah, but without your bad side, you'd never be able to control your good side! You wanna help other people all your life, or help yourself? You wanna follow the rules, or make your own? You wanna walk the safe road, or blaze another one? I can't believe you'd sacrifice your own principles for a 'thank you' or a 'please'! I thought you were more selfish than that!"
"What do you want me to do? Evil people are generally hated. And hated people are generally attacked by angry, pitchfork wielding mobs. I'm trying to live past the age of thirty here," I replied sarcastically.
"Frankly, I'm surprised you lived this long. You should've been trampled dead by the amount of people who've used you as a doormat."
"Hey! I am not a doormat!"
"Yeah, we've been through that argument before. Look, you either be evil, or you don't. Pick a path."
"Light!"
"Darkness!"
"Light!"
"Darkness!"
Light. Darkness. I thought for a while. I'd like to be mean and selfish, but there was always that little voice in my head that told me to be otherwise. I think that was Kaze, or one of her friends.
"Look, can't I be evil and somewhat good at the same time?" I pleaded.
"No deal, sissy!" And Kami hurled his trident at me.
It was like slow motion. The big pointy thing zipped like an arrow toward me. I turned to run, remembered I couldn't, then tried to duck, remembered I couldn't and finally tried to close my eyes. I couldn't do that either. So I could only look with a helpless kind of fright, like a mother rabbit watching one of her own getting eaten by a bobcat, as the Flaming Trident of Doom™ launched itself at my face. It came closer and closer and closer and closer until…
BAM!
"Wake up!"
I lifted my head, opened my sleepy eyes. Apparently I had fallen asleep on my keyboard. I blinked a few times trying to remember WHY I was sleeping on my computer when I happened to catch a glimpse of the time.
7:30 AM.
I almost cried.
I stared in disbelief for a couple of seconds, realizing that I still hadn't finished my FLE yet and that school started in another half-hour. I had to write something.
"Unfortunately, due to outside circumstances I was not able to complete this writing assignment. More specifically, I seemed to have fallen asleep during the course of my FLE writing due to…that old pizza I ate last night. I had this wild and fantastical dream which involved penguins and flying tridents. They told me to burn things. I was not able to wake up in time to write anything further, because the penguins were trying to kill me. I could not let them kill me, because I like living, especially in the dark corners of my subconscious. The penguins tell me what to do, and they drive me nuts, and then they tried to impale me with a flaming trident. And no, I did NOT make this up to weasel my way out of doing the FLE. I swear, this entire thing did happen. Only in my mind. But it's true. It was the penguins damnit. It was their fault! They drove me here! They made me insane! You gotta help me! It's the penguins! Please, for the love of God, help! STOP THE PENGUINGS!!! STOP THE PENGUINS! IT'S THE PENGUINS!!!! THE PENGUINS!!!!!"
-End Document-