Insert Name Here
Episode 2: The Cinatit SMR, the ship that cannot possibly go right.

Theme Song:

No 3: This is, Insert Name Here, a radio play about a radio play.

No 2: God, I can't believe that we've got to do another show.

No 4: Take heart, it's only one more.

No 2: I know, but they really get on my nerves.

No 1: What? Radio shows? Why the hell did you sing your contract?

No 2: Beer.

No 3: You what? You signed on because they promised to give you beer?

No 2: No, because I'd already had too much.

Producer: Exxxcusssse me!

No 1: Oh god not you again.

Producer: Yes, it's me again. Now get to work, do you realise you've been live to air for the last minute?

No 3: What? Have we?

Producer: Yes! What have you got to say to that?

No 3: Oh shit.

Producer: I advise you not to swear on this program!

No 2: Why not?

Director: Because it's really not the right image.

No 4: Who's he?

Producer: Your new director! Well, can't stay, must be off, have fun!

Fx: Door closes.

No 1: Idiot.

Producer: I heard that!

Director: Now, c'mon, c'mon, let's start again. Arms by side, neutral positions. Now, I want you all to say the name of a fruit, no, I've got a better idea, the name of your first girlfriend. Or boyfriend as the case may be. Come on, come on, and don't be shy.

No 4: (Sigh) Timothy.

No 3: Julia.

No 2: Arlene.

No 1: George.

No 3: What?

No 1: George.

No 2: You had a boyfriend?

No 1: No! My girlfriend's name was George. Short for Georgina. Haven't you ever read the famous five?

Fx: Pause.

No 3: No.

No 1: Lucky you.

Director: Come on, come on, never mind, never mind, now I want you all to really put some feeling into the show. Come on, show some enthusiasm!

Fx: Long pause.

Director: That's great! I love those frowns!

No 2: Look, Mr Director, in the words of Isaac Newton, BEEEP!! off!

No 3: With an f.

No 4: When did Isaac Newton say that?

No 2: Well, uh, I've no time for idle chitchat! Got work to do!

No 1: So you're going to actually do some work now?

Director: (Sobs) You've hurt my feelings! I'm going home.

Fx: Door closes.

No 3: So, what's our story for this week?

No 2: Hang on, hang on. Why don't we go to a song?

No 4: What? Are you mad? It's only page two!

No 2: We do have to do about three songs you know.

No 3: Oh very well. Maestro!

Fx: Music and announcements.

No 3: And we're back!

No 4: They know that.

No 3: Oh, right. Sorry.

No 2: Tonight's episode is called:

No 1: Hold on.

No 2: What?

No 1: I wouldn't call it tonight, it's too early. How about afternoon?

No 2: Whatever. Ahem! This afternoon's episode is

No 3: Hang on! I wouldn't call it afternoon. It's a bit too late for that.

No 2: (Getting annoyed) Tonight's episo-

No 4: How about early evening?

No 2: Look! Just shutup! Shutup! It doesn't matter what time it is! We're doing a radio show! People don't expect it to be intelligent!

No 3: like Politicians.

Producer: Don't make fun of politicians!

No 4: Or producer's I suppose?

Producer: Exactly! Now, I want you to meet someone. Everyone, this is No 5.

Fx: Sinister Music.

No 5: (Flopsy Bunny Voice) Hullo.

Producer: She'll be working with you on this episode.

No 3: But we don't need another person!

Producer: The listeners think you do. Listen to these!

No 1: And now, Listener Phone In. If you would like to make a comment about Insert Name Here, then please call in on:

Fx: Phone dialling noises.

No 1: Please, give us a call.

Fx: Phone ringing. Phone being picked up.

Listener 1: Dear 3CR radio station. I have been listening to your new program: Insert Name Here and I want to say: Why the hell did you call it Insert Name Here! Are you all so stupid that you just put that instead of coming up with a decent name?! You know! Like George or Annie or Phillip! Something like that! And also, I'm complaining about the name for the youth project as well! I mean, really! Panadene Forte! Sounds like you're on drugs!

No 2: Well as a matter of fact -

Listener 1: Can it you! And another thing you know what I think of your acting potential? You have as much chance as shi -

Fx: Click.

No 4: We regret to announce that the phone line has been disconnected, in order to reserve it for someone with intelligence.

Producer: You see! She couldn't stand your show!

No 1: Next caller, on line 2.

Fx: Beep.

Listener 2: Dear 3CR, I'm writing to say that I love your new show Insert Name Here, though I think some of the jokes are a little obscure, and some of them are a little old, and some are just plain not funny. I had a list of jokes that I was going to suggest, but I'm not going to, because they're not funny either.

Fx: Canned Laughter.

Listener 2: Right, that's joke one.

Fx: Canned Laughter.

Listener 2: And that's joke two. I also think the inclusion of some canned laughter like I've helpfully provided, would greatly help, as then we'd know when to laugh and could work out why we laughed later. Also, I think you need to add a second female announcer, as the one you've got is really rather off.

No 4: Now just a minute!

Listener 2: Tata!

Fx: Click.

No 1: Next caller, Line 3.

Fx: Beep.

Listener 3: Oh my god! No 4! No 4! I'm just ringing, because I y'know like, so disagree with that last caller's comments, because like, you go girl, and all that, but insults like that are, like, so five minutes ago! Hello!

Fx: Cheering and applause.

Listener 3: Ha! Loser! Whatever! So like, yeah, my names Jacky, and

Fx: Go Jacky! Go Jacky! Go Jacky! Go! Go!

Listener 3: Hey yeah, you go girls! Anyway, bye!

Fx: Click.

No 3: Uh, okaaay. Next caller, Line 4.

Listener 4: Hello.

No 3: Uh, hello. Yeah, so do you have any opinions about Insert, what am I wearing? Well, ah, jumper, tracksuit, t-shirt, socks, underwear, could you stop moaning into the phone please? Anyway, that's beside the. Dinner? Tonight? The casino? Ask for Bob? Wow! Uh, okay! Bring a condom? Alrig. (Screams)

Fx: Click. Pause.

No 5: Alright. Next caller, Line 5.

Listener 5: I like vanilla! Do you like vanilla?

No 5: Er, yes? Now do you have any views about this radio show?

Listener 5: What's a radio show?

No 5: How old are you?

Listener 5: Six! I'm six! Six!

No 5: Well, why don't you get your mummy, and we'll talk to her.

Listener 5: I don't have a mummy. (Starts sobbing)

No 5: Oh, I am sorry.

Listener 5: She got runned over!

No 5: By a car?

Listener 5: No, by a Trombone Harvester!

No 5: Uh, don't you mean a combine harvester?

Listener 5: No, I don't. Just before she got runned over, she was going to tell me about, uh.

No 5: About what?

Listener 5: Uh. uh. Birds! And bees! And the facts, of, life.

No 5: (Short pause) Oh.

Listener 5: Would you be able to tell me?

No 5: (Quickly) No.

Listener 5: I know it has something to do with a man and a woman, and, and sleeping,

and what we.

Fx: Click.

No 5: Thank god.

Producer: Yes, well, yes, well, yes, well, yes, well, well, you're taking her anyway! So there! Nyah!

Fx: Door slams.

No 3: Well, there's no fighting a Nyah. Now, look here miss! I don't want you here! We don't want you here! Nobody wants you here! Except the producer, which means that we do want you here. I do want you here! We all want you here! But! While we may want you here! We don't actually want you here, while still wanting you here, without in anyway actually wanting you here. Although we do. And don't. At the same time. Understand?

No 5: No.

No 3: Good. So tell me No 2, what's this evening's show called?

No 2: Tonight. I mean, this afternoon, well, evening, we are doing a play of tragedy and failure. A tale of great loss and grief to the entire population of the Earth. We present: (Deep voice) "The Day the World Ended!"

Fx: Huge explosion.

No 5: The end.

No 4: That was my line!

No 5: Sorry.

No 4: The End.

No 1: No, no, only fooling, folks.

No 3: You fool!

No 1: What?

No 3: Oh. Sorry. Nothing.

No 2: Yes, well, yes. In all seriousness folks, we present: "The Cinatit SMR! The ship that cannot possibly go right!

No 5: Don't you mean the RMS Titanic?

No 3: Shutup! (Whispers) Do you want to get us sued?

No 5: Oh. Sorry.

No 4: Anyway that's been done before. So, we thought that we'd look at the worlds greatest ship disaster from a completely different angle! Let's get started.

Fx: "Danza" For 10 seconds, then fade into background until it finishes.

No 3: The scene, a lonely village in England, in the year 1986.

Late-Inventor: ("Danza" pauses) Good lord! I've just invented the steam engine!

Man 1: It's been done!

No 5: ("Danza" unpauses) However, our story begins in Port Phillip Bay, where the Cinatit is being completed.

No 1: Wait a minute!

No 5: Certainly.

Fx: Long pause.

No 1: Yes, well, that'll do. Now, here's my problem. The Titanic was built in Britain, by the British, and was sailing to America, right?

No 3: Right.

No 1: And we want the Cinatit to be the exact opposite of The Titanic, right?

No 2: Right.

No 1: So doesn't that mean we want it to be built in America, by the Americans, and sailing to Great Britain?

Fx: Pause.

No 2: Shutup. Anyway. Ferguson St Pier, Williamstown, Victoria, Australia.

No 4: Is that like that cow that they cloned? You know, Mr Ferguson?

No 1: Actually No 4, the cow they cloned was called Mr Jefferson.

No 4: Huh! Just like society today! Just typical! They go to name a street after a cloned cow called Mr Jefferson, and they misspell it! They put down Ferguson instead!

No 2: No, they weren't naming it after Mr Jeffer. oh never mind. The construction of The Cinatit is nearly completed, and the captain is going to make a short speech.

Fx: Back ground clanging and thumping.

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure -

Crowd Person: Oh my word! Don't talk about that! There might be children listening!

Captain: Let me finish! Ahem! Ladies and Gentlemen it gives me great pleasure TO announce that next week we will be leaving Australia, possibly for ever! I know you all must be thinking, "So what's the down side?" and my friends, I am now going to tell you our true mission! The Australian Government has ordered us to crash to Cinatit, in order to provide a huge spectacle and so we can have something to teach the kiddies in school. Also, so the Germans can laugh at us. I know, I can hear you all thinking "He's crazy," so please shutup I'm trying to talk. I am taking only the worst in crew, and anyone caught sneaking on to the ship without a ticket will be thrown overboard unless, they can prove they are in fact a member of the crew, however bizarrely so, or has brought explosives with them, because that'll make our job much easier. Now, this news is not to be heard by the public, until tomorrow, so I would appreciate it if any members of the press in the audience could please not publish this straight away. I thank you.

Fx: Light applause.

No 3: Soon the big day came, January 22nd. However, because of design flaws yet to be implemented, the launching of the ship was held back for 6 years. So, on January 22nd, six years later, the ship was launched. They sailed North to the Atlantic Ocean. A rather large detour when you're heading for New Zealand. But there aren't any decent icebergs in the South. In the bar of The Cinatit, things are going pretty well.

Fx: Background Rabble, clinking of glasses and Jazz music.

Agent: Hey bartender!

Bartender: Yeah?

Agent: Pass me another will you?

Bartender: Certainly.

Fx: Sound of glass smashing.

Agent: You know, when I said pass me another, I didn't mean like in the football, you know.

Bartender: Sorry, misunderstanding. So ah, what do you do for a living?

Agent: Well, I'm a spy.

Bartender: A spy?

Agent: Yeah! A spy! I blow up things. In fact, and keep this to yourself, it's very secret, I'm not meant to tell anybody. Nope! Nobody at all!

Bartender: Then why are you telling me?

Agent: Ah, but you ain't anybody are you? You, you're somebody! Anyway, I've been ordered by the Australian Royal Spy Enterprise (That's ARSE for short) to blow up this ship!

Bartender: Really?

Agent: Yeah!

Bartender: Then you're just the person we've been looking for! Come with me!

No 1: In a moment, they were in the Captain's quarters.

No 5: By Jove that was quick!

Captain: Yes Bartender, what is it? I'm a busy man, got things to do, people to see! I was just about to walk out when you came in.

Temptress: Oh please don't go yet Mr Captain.

Captain: Uh, ignore that. It has no importance whatsoever.

Bartender: On the contrary sir, it explains why you're not wearing any pants. I've found the spy you sent for, but I don't think he'll be of much help, as he just drank half of the bar. He's drunk

Captain: But I thought you only served non-alcoholic beverages!

Bartender: Yes that's been puzzling me too. I think I saw him spiking his own drinks once or twice with a bottle of bourbon, but I'm not too sure.

Agent: 'M not drunk. I'm as shober as the next man! C'mon! C'mon! I'll blow up this ship! I will! Will! Will! So there!

Captain: Oh why! Why do we always get sent the drunken secret agents! I bet he didn't even bring his explosives!

Agent: Y'know, I thought I'd forgotten something.

Captain: Oh great!

Agent: Y'know. I'm actually allergic to being shober, s'not good for me it ain't! If I ever get shober, me 'ead'll explode! So I'm staying drunk for safety reasons. S'not safe for me if me 'ead explodes is it? Eh? Is it?

Captain: Get some coffee.

Agent: I told you Mr Captain Sir, If I go sober I'll.

Captain: Fill him up.

Agent: But sir I. (Various gurgling noises, mixed with screams) No! Nooooo! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fx: Splat.

No 3: Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who didn't understand, that was the agent getting sober and having his head explode.

No 1: I think that was fairly obvious.

No 3: Well, yes, well that was for stupid people.

No 4: Stupid people?

No 3: Yes. AND THEY KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT!!! It was for them specially.

No 1: Well that's rather discriminatory.

No 3: Wha?

No 1: Well, why are we just catering for the mentally challenged? What about deaf people? And blind people? And castrated people? And amputees? And, and, and the rest of them?

No 3: Well, first of all, there's nothing we can offer to the castrated people, except maybe our sympathy and some cruel jokes, and you don't have to watch anything when your listening to radio, so the blind people are all right and we can make fun of them as well, amputees can listen anyway, except they might not be able to turn the radio on in the first place, so they can go and get stuffed. and deaf people, well, deaf people can't here us, so they can JUST SOD OFF YOU MORONS!!!!!

No 4: Now number 3, that really is rather cruel.

No 3: Well what can we do to help?

No 5: All it costs is just one dollar a day, and you can help a starving child regain its strength.

No 2: Hello! This is deaf people we are talking about! Not the starving children in Africa.

No 5: Oh.

No 4: Well, how about sign language?

No 1: How are they meant to see that over the radio?

No 4: Well, we could, send people round to peoples houses, and get them to stand in front of the radio, and dictate to them with sign language.

No 3: Oh great. Why don't we send loud people round to mute people's houses so they can laugh at the jokes for them as well?

No 4: It was just an idea?

No 3: Well it was a pathetic idea you bitch!

All: Gasp!

No 4: You said the b word! How could you?

No 3: It's over between us!

No 4: I don't understand! There never was anything between us!

No 3: How could you say that! You mean it didn't mean anything to you?

No 4: What didn't?

No 3: It!

No 4: What's it?

No 3: You spent last night with Brett didn't you?

No 4: I don't even know who Brett is!

No 3: How could you do this to me Kelly?

No 4: My name's not Kelly!

No 3: Oh. Isn't it?

No 4: No!

No 3: Oh. Sorry. I'm really sorry about that.

No 4: That's alright, I suppose.

No 2: Only on radio could petty arguments be solved so quickly.

No 3: You call that petty?

No 1: I'll uh, just put a song on okay?

No 3: I'll kill you, you bastard!

No 2: No, I'll kill you!

Fx: Fight noises, fade out, into music. Announcements, time call.

Fx: "What should we do with the drunken sailor?" in background.

No 2: On the bridge, the captain is talking to his chief navigator.

Captain: Tell me Jones, what's on the radar?

Navigator: Ach sir! 11 icebergs dead ahead! Great scott!

Captain: Hmm. See if you can steer into one for me will you?

Navigator: I'll be doin' ma best sir, though I must warn you, I'm the worst navigator this side o' Britain!

Captain: But, look here, I hate to be pedantic but, if you go around the World far enough, then you'll end up on the other side of Britain, so really, if you're the worst on one side, you're the worst all the way round.

Navigator: I was taking that into account sir.

Captain: Splendid! Well, I'm sure you'll be able to hit at least one. Nobody has ever managed to avoid 11 icebergs. Not even Hans Gruber, the finest navigator who ever lived, who lost his ability to do his job only last summer on our fair Australian roads.

Navigator: You mean he was crippled in a car accident?

Captain: No he's stuck in traffic.

Navigator: Oh. Hang on sir! We're heading into the icebergs! Brace yourself!

Captain: Here we go!

Fx: Water splashes in foreground.

Navigator: (In background) We're going through! Here comes the first one!

Captain: (Background) Quick! Steer towards it! Steer towards it!

Navigator: (Ditto) Sorry sir! I've missed it!

Captain: (Ditto) Never mind! Here comes two and three!

Fx: Huge splash.

Navigator: (Background) Help sir! I've fallen! And I can't get up!

Captain: (Look, everyone is in background until I say okay?) Hurry navigator! We're going right in between them! You must steer us into one!

Navigator: It's no good sir! I canna reach the control panel!

Captain: Here! Take my hand!

Navigator: It's no good sir! You go on without me!

Captain: Never darling!

Navigator: I'll always love you sir!

Captain: This is no time to get sentimental Navigator! We've got a ship to crash!

Navigator: You're right sir! I'll do my best! Great Scot sir!

Captain: Who was he?

Navigator: What sir!

Captain: Who was the Great Scot?

Navigator: It's just a figure of speech!

Captain: Well kindly use it elsewhere!

Navigator: Sir! There's only one iceberg left!

Captain: Don't worry, we're on a fixed course! There's no way we can miss it!

Navigator: we're gonna crash! Yahoo! Hoo-bloody-ray! We're going ta hit it! We're gonna hit it!

Fx: Water splashes stop. Holy music.

Navigator: (All conversation normal now.) We're, we're, bloody hell! Did you see that Captain?

Captain: I saw it all right. What just happened?

Navigator: The, the, the iceberg! It just vanished! Poof!

God: (Holy music) Now is not the time for you to die.

Captain: Who's that?

God: (Holy music) I am your god.

Navigator: Did you get rid of that iceberg, oh great and wonderful Lord?

God: (Holy Music) I did. It is not time for you, my humble servants, to join me in heaven.

Fx: Pause

Captain: You bloody bastard!

Navigator: And who are you calling servants?

God: (Holy Music) (Sobbing) How could you? I'm going home!

Captain: Well, if he expects me to keep donating money to the church, he's got another thing coming!

Navigator: But sir, you never donate money to the church anyway.

Captain: Yes, well, I might've one day, but I'm not going to now!

No 2: Oh please.

No 1: What?

No 2: That joke is so old it's not even funny anymore!

No 5: Well, what do you expect if you order low quality scripts?

No 3: Shutup newcomer!

No 5: Don't talk to me like that!

No 3: Like I said before, we don't want you here! So you can just go home sister!

No 5: All right! Maybe I will!

No 3: Fine!

No 5: Fine!

Fx: Pause.

No 3: I thought you were going?

No 5: I am, just give me a minute!

Producer: You're not going anywhere!

No 3: Aaah!

No 2: You!

Producer: Yes. What's your point?

No 2: Oh nothing. I was just checking, that's all.

Producer: No 5 is staying! According to paragraph 12 of page 9 of section G, you must obey all decisions made by your producer.

No 3: All right, but we don't have to like it.

No 1: Actually, under paragraph 2 of page -

No 3: Quiet you!

No 4: Come on, why don't you give the girl a chance?

No 1: You go girl!

No 4: Er yes, quite. It's time to give women a chance. Have you noticed how little female parts have been is this play so far?

No 3: Two I believe.

No 4: That's right! You need to have some more female parts in this script!

No 2: Okay, I'll tell you what, we'll give you some of the neutral parts all right?

No 4: Well, I suppose that could tide us over until we reach some decent feminine parts.

No 5: With determination and the ability to call men sexist, women can achieve anything!

No 4 and No 5: Girl Power!

No 1: Yes, whatever.

No 3: Can we get back to the play now?

No 4: Yes.

Fx: Sea shanty music.

No 5: Down in the 1st class lounge rooms, some interesting things are happening. However, they have nothing to do with the story, so we won't say anything more about them, other that they're not all that interesting after all.

No 1: Down in the 2nd class lounge rooms, some interesting things are also happening. And, while they are not really related to the story, they are amusing, and so therefore, you will hear them.

Panicking Person: We're sinking!

Other Person: Are we really?

Panicking Person: No, sorry, just trying to raise people's hopes. Sorry.

Ticket Collector: Good evenin'!

Other Person: It's 7am.

Ticket Collector: Yes, well, shutup you. Can I see your tickets please?

Other Person: Here you are, sir.

Ticket Collector: Thankyou, and you sir?

Panicking Person: We're sinking!

Other Person: Oh, do shutup.

Panicking Person: Oh, sorry. Here you are my good man.

Other Person: Well, thank you, but I'm not the ticket collector.

Panicking Person: Oh. Well then, here you are, my good man.

Ticket Collector: Well, I am the ticket collector, but I'm actually a woman.

Panicking Person: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I forgot to bring my glasses with me.

Ticket Collector: But you're wearing a pair of glasses.

Panicking Person: Why, so I am! I wonder whose these are then?

Stowaway Wannabe: They're mine.

Panicking Person: Oh, I am sorry.

Stowaway Wannabe: So am I. I just ran into the doorpost.

Ticket Collector: May I see your ticket?

Stowaway Wannabe: No you can't.

Ticket Collector: Why ever not?

Stowaway Wannabe: Because I don't have one.

Ticket Collector: Quick as lightning I sprang to my feet and fell over. Getting up more carefully this time, I said:

Stowaway Wannabe: "But I can see your ticket in your pocket!" I then replied: "That's not a ticket." She then said:

Ticket Collector: Yes it is, I can see the stamp.

Stowaway Wannabe: To which I replied: "Look, take this hundred dollar bill, and we'll say no more about it, all right?

Ticket Collector: But, you have a valid ticket!

Stowaway Wannabe: All right, 500.

Ticket Collector: But, sir.

Stowaway Wannabe: How much money do you want, Eh? Look, just take my whole wallet! There's $6000 in there, the credit card's pin is 5443! Just take it and get out of here!

Ticket Collector: But the fine for travelling without a ticket is only $500!

Stowaway Wannabe: Look, just take my clothes! And my keys! And my house! And my life! Good luck with it that's all I can say! It's your wife's anniversary next week, you've got her a vase. The dog only eats Pal, and good luck to you! Oh, I don't want to live!

Fx: Gunshot.

Ticket Collector: Well that was certainly weird.

No 5: Er, anyway, moving along, in the radar watchamacallit room -

No 1: It's the bridge! The radar is kept on the bridge!

No 4: What do you need a bridge for on a ship? You're already over the water.

No 3: Well, I suppose you could put it over the top of a swimming pool.

No 1: And why would you do that?

No 3: Well, it'd be quicker than walking.

No 1: Only marginally!

No 2: What, like, on rulers, that sort of thing?

No 1: Oh god.

No 3: Uh, uh, uh! Not if it was a big pool!

No 2: What my esteemed colleague over here is trying to say is: "The Bridge" is the term used for the room where all the navigating is done, and where they keep their radar equipment.

No 3: Well why don't they just call it "the room where all the navigating is done, and where they keep their radar equipment?"

No 4: Well, because it's quicker.

No 2: Only marginally.

No 5: Not, if they were speaking one slower than the other!

No 1: Oh please. Look can we just get on with this play? We don't have much time left!

No 2: We don't have any time left.

No 3: Oh sod.

Fx: Theme song.

No 1: That was Insert Name Here. a radio show about

Fx: Music stops.

No 1: Look this just isn't going to work. We need to finish this play.

No 3: But what about the producer?

No 1: Bugger 'im.

No 2: I'm not that way inclined.

Fx: She shanty music.

No 5: On the bridge, the captain is talking to the Navigator, and some female character and another one, because I say so.

Captain: Navigator, what are we going to do? We're almost at New Zealand, and we've already taken five detours. I, I, I, I think this ship might go right!

Navigator: Never fear sir! I bring good news. There's an American nuclear submarine on the radar.

Captain: Oh praise be to god!

God: (Holy Music) Oh sure, when something good happens.

Captain: Quiet you. Quick, turn on the radio!

Navigator: Yes sir!

Fx: Click.

Navigator (With static) Yes sir!

Captain: I meant the communications radio! To the submarine!

Captain: (With static) I meant the communications radio! To the submarine!

Navigator: Oh, sorry sir.

Navigator: (With static) Oh, sorry sir.

Fx: Click.

Navigator: Channel open sir.

Captain: Good! Now listen here you stupid American Swine! This here is a Russian Destroyer Vessel! And we are going to blow up New Zealand, Unless you blow us up first! Ha ha ha! Ha. What do you say to that?

Answering Machine: We're sorry. All our nukes are busy right now, but if you'd like to leave your name and latitude and longitude after the beep, we'll get back to you as soon as we can. BEEEP!!

Navigator: Ach! How rude!

Captain: (Groans) Navigator, leave a message! Now what am I going to do?

J.S.F.C: I've got an idea!

Navigator: Sir, who's she?

Captain: Oh, just some female character.

Ditto: I think you should listen to her.

Navigator: And what about her?

Captain: Ditto.

J.S.F.C: Now, here's my plan. When we go sailing into the docks of Auckland, we don't let them tie us up to the docks! We just plough ahead at full speed, and smash straight into the pier!

Captain: No, too risky.

Ditto: Huh! I bet if a man suggested that you'd use it you male chauvinistic pig!

Captain: Quiet you. Navigator, have you got any ideas?

Navigator: Well actually, Captain, I do have one. When we go sailing into the docks of Auckland, we don't let them tie us up to the docks! We just plough ahead at full speed, and smash straight into the pier!

Captain: That's brilliant! Let's use that!

J.S.F.C: You pig!

Fx: Slap!

F.S.F.C: I'm leaving! Come on sister!

Ditto: Right behind you!

Fx: Door slams.

Navigator: Sir, I don't think you should have hit those girls.

Captain: Desperate times call for desperate measures navigator.

Fx: Various beeps.

Navigator: Sir! I'm picking up a transmission! It's from the sub!

Captain: We're doomed! Hurrah!

Sub: (With static) Are you the guys who plan to blow up New Zealand?

Captain: Yes that's right!

Sub: (With static) You have our blessing.

Captain: What?

Sub: (With static) Can't stay, gotta rush.

Fx: Click.

Captain: Well, I guess we'll have to use your idea.

J.S.F.C: (Faint) You pig!

Captain: Let's do it.

Navigator: At our age sir?

Captain: Shutup.

No 2: The Auckland docks drew ever nearer. Finally they sailed in.

Captain: That's it! Full steam ahead! Steady, steady! What? What the? Why are we slowing down? Stop! I mean start! Start! Start! Noooooo! Navigator, what happened?

Navigator: Well, sir, you know how ye was a saying to not let them tie us up?

Captain: Yes?

Navigator: We let them. I'm terribly sorry sir.

Captain: There's just one thing I want to say.

Navigator: Yes sir?

Captain: Will you marry me?

Navigator: Oh yes darling! Yes!

J.S.F.C: I knew it all along!

Captain: Quiet you.

No 4: So once again, we bring to an end, Insert Name Here!

No 2: Well, it's not actually over yet.

No 1: Quite right.

No 3: Yes.

Fx: Pause.

No 5: Long enough?

No 3: I think so.

Fx: Theme song.

No 2: That was Insert Name Here, a radio play about a radio play. Script by Sam Mellor, starring Bill Weare as No 1, Listener 4, the Captain, the Answering Machine and the Sub; Jarrod Zlatic as No 2, The Producer, Listener 1, The Bartender, God and the Other Person; Sam Mellor as No 3, the Director, Listener 5, the Agent, the Navigator, and the Stowaway; Jess Tucker as No 4, Listener 3, the Temptress, the Ticket Collector and Ditto; and introducing Jellybean Joplin as No 5, The Crowd Person, the Panicking person and Just Some Female Character. This show was created by the Pannadean Forte Youth Project, for 3CR, your community radio station, on 855am. Good Night.

fin