Okay, so I'm not the most romantic boyfriend in the world, but it's not that I don't want to do something special for you, it's just that I can't seem to. What if I try and totally fuck it up? What if I do something I think is romantic, but to you is just another one of my idiotic stunts? I could never live with disappointing you.
All right, so I'm afraid to go out in public with you because I'm scared some of my friends will see me with you and find out we're boyfriends. I know it hurts you, but what if someone doesn't like it? What if they decide to get violent? What if you get hurt? You in pain is something I can't stand. I know you think I'm embarrassed by us, but I'm not. Honest. If I could I would proclaim to the world that we go out, that you see something in me that you like. I'd sky-write it everyday and twice on Sundays, but I can't. This world just can't except that love is love no matter who it's given and received by. Society was created by man, and man is not known for it's kindness to those they consider 'wrong'.
So maybe I don't touch you as often as you want me to. I don't know how. This is my first same-sex relationship; you have to give me time to learn the boundaries, you have to teach them to me. Besides, I've never really been a touchy-feely kind of person; my family was never like that. We always showed affection through words, and not always the right ones. I'm a product of my environment, but I'm trying. Really.
The not expressing my emotions to you thing. Well, I'm just not good at that; I never have been. I know I seem distant, but you just have to look to know how much I feel for you. I'll try, though. I can't promise you I'll cry on your shoulder or that I'll reveal everything to you; I'm not that type of guy, but I will always come to you when I'm sad or angry because you always make me feel good.
You say I don't listen, but I do. I hear everything you say. Everything. Even the stuff you're not saying. I know how it hurts you when your parents think your homosexuality is just a teenage phase. I know how much you hate it when I forget to call. I know how much you love it when I get your crazy jokes. I know how much you love it when I smile at your stories. I know all about your dreams to be a lawyer, to have your own law firm, and how you want to be an advocate for gay rights. I know how much you worry when you think we'll never see each other when we go off to separate colleges. Trust me, I know.
I know you think this is just some phase I'm going through, that I'm just going to wake up one day and realize that I'm dating a guy. That won't happen. I go to sleep every night, thinking of you, of how much you mean to me. And when I wake up in the morning, my first thought is of you and when I'll get to see you. You think I'm not as serious about our relationship as you. I am. I've never been more serious about anything in my life. I would tattoo your face on my arm to prove it to you.
So I'm not the perfect boyfriend, or even the best, but I'm yours. To me, that's all that matters. I would do anything for you. I would die for you. I would kill for you. I live for you. I gave up everything I thought myself to be for you, and I would do it again. I know you took a big chance on me, and you have no idea just how much that means to me. I know that even though you complained about all the things I mentioned, you don't want to change me. I know this because when you say, 'I love you' you mean it with every fiber of your being. I can feel it. Your love for me is a tangible entity in my soul; something to cherish forever. I'm still going to try to improve myself for you because I know that's what you're doing for me. So until I learn to say 'I love you' in such a way that you would have no doubt as to how much I mean, I want you to remember that I'm trying.