I crouched in my dank corner. My eyes stared into nothing. Black. That was my world. A hole occasionally filled with a dripping red that was my blood. A dripping red that was self-inflicted. A reminder that I was, regretfully, still among the living.
My life had once been happier, when I still had a loving family and friends. But, one after the other, they had all disappeared. Dissolved. Faded. Gone. Dai, my best friend was the first to depart from my life. I'll never forget the morning I walked into her bedroom, ready for a day of shopping. My scream was echoed as her family rushed in. The gentle creaking of the rope soon drowned out of course, and the slight rocking of her body in the breeze. This is what was imprinted on my mind. Dai's back was facing me. I didn't, therefore, have to deal with the image of her bulging eyes and swollen tongue. I couldn't believe it. It was like the whole world had stopped and showed no intentions of ever starting. My despair soon turned to anger. How could she do this to me?! We were the closest of friends, or so I thought. And yet she never let on about anything depressing her, let alone driving her to suicide. We were virtually inseparable. How could I not notice anything wrong? How could I have been so blind? A tear slid down my face. This was all my fault! I should have seen. I should have done something about it. But no, I didn't, and now it was too late. She was gone. I looked at her body. Nothing could have broken the bond I thought we had. Nothing except death.
But this wasn't the end. Oh no. About 2 years later. Just as I was eventually getting over Dai's death. Just as I was learning to live without her. There was a car accident. A car accident involving my parents. I was walking home from school. A nice, normal, sunny day, to find two officers at my door. Already my gut had knotted together. They were definitely not here to present some award. They took me to the police station where they told me what had happened. Told me of the drunken teenagers joy-riding. Told me of the cliff in which both cars ended up tumbling down before bursting into flames. I'd gone numb. This wasn't real. I was dreaming, having a nightmare, I was going to wake up.wasn't I? I stared at the WPD who was still talking, her words didn't register in my mind. It was like someone had taken a control and pressed mute. I had the sudden instinct to run. I didn't know where but anywhere would do. Anywhere away from reality. A hand on my arm pulled me from my thoughts. The WPD was looking at me. "I...um...what?" "Do you have anywhere you can stay tonight? Whilst we get things sorted? Any close relative or friend?" I nodded, "yeah, can I use the phone? I'll need to ring him." She smiled and led me to the reception where she let me ring Tyler, my cousin.
About an hour later, after going home to collect some things I'd need for the night, I'd arrived at Tyler's. I was sat on his sofa pouring my heart out onto his shoulder. He was amazingly good at comforting. Considering he, too, must have been pretty shocked with the news, him being so close to Dad and all. But still, he forgot himself, and helped me to deal with everything. It was Tyler I ended up living with. He had a job that could support us both and he hadn't lived far from us so I could still go to the same school. But school was another matter. By the time I had felt able to return I was behind on not only my schoolwork but my friends also. They tried to be supportive but it just didn't work. I began to envy them. It wasn't fair that they still had parents and I didn't. Feeling sorry for myself, I had started to play truant. Tyler would leave for work before I would for school so I'd just have to pretend to get ready. Then I would leave the house just before he came home, returning half an hour later, at the time I was supposed to. Quite a clever plan actually, even if I do say so myself.
On the days I would decide to go to school my friends would just bug me. They would go on about how I should come to school, how it was important. But, even though deep inside I knew they were right, I just didn't want to hear it. The more they got on my nerves, the more tempting it would be to skip school. And so there I was, caught in an on going cycle. But I was happy living like this, well as happy as a girl in my situation would get. Unfortunately, my friends weren't. They soon grew tired of my behaviour, telling me that I was ruining my life. Who are they to tell me how to live my life?! It's mine! No one can rule over me, no one! And of course, they didn't want to stick around, with me having an attitude like this. They came to me saying that I'd changed, that they didn't want to be my friends anymore. Every single one of them. Well fine! Let them be like that! It's not as if I care. But in truth I did care. I was crushed. I now stopped attending school altogether. I felt there was no longer a point, I'd already missed too much of everything to catch up. It was doubtful I'd pass my GCSEs and now my friends were no longer my friends.
One day, feeling particularly annoyed with myself for allowing my life to get so messed up. I felt that I needed to be punished. And so I resorted to the knife. As it dug into my flesh, tearing at the skin, causing the first droplets of blood to appear I felt the stress flow out of my body. It was so satisfying, not painful at all. And although I knew it was wrong, I didn't and couldn't stop. It was as though I was possessed. Slicing my arm again and again. "Ranise?" I cursed under my breath as I looked up to see Tyler, standing wide-eyed in the doorway. How could I be so stupid to lose track of time? Now he not only knows of this but also of my truancies. He sat me down and, barely able to speak because of image of my blood stained shirt; he gave me a speech on how disappointed he was of me. Tears started running down my face. How did I get here? How had I managed to lower myself that much? And now I was going to lose my cousin as well. He wasn't going to want to put up with a pathetic teenager like me. He'd probably send me away to some place where I'd wait to be accepted into a foster family. No! I wouldn't let that happen. When Tyler stopped talking. I apologized and went into my room shutting the door, saying to Tyler I wanted some time alone. I walked over and picked up my bloody knife, withdrawing to my dank corner. I couldn't lose Tyler, I would not. I felt trapped. The only exit that my eyes could see was death. And so I followed it. I pressed the knife that little bit harder into my flesh, tracing my artery. Then, with both wrists emitting blood and my body beginning to feel light. I curled into a ball and awaited the darkness to overcome me.