Title: For Cassie
Summary: A letter to the girl who once inspired everything I ever wrote. And what it meant to me.
Feedback: Anything. Please.
It scared me when I thought I couldn't write about you like this. It scared me when I realized the words I wanted to etch against the paper didn't exist anymore. It scared me to think that everything we had was finally… gone, the pain, the memories and each and every word that meant nothing bouncing in my brain.
Yes, it scared me. To realize that you just might be… that you were… truly gone.
And I wanted to write about it, and maybe that's what I'm trying to do now. I wanted to write about everything you meant to me, and paint a beautiful portrait from memory, not from pain. Because isn't that what made me write in the first place… the pain in my heart?
And when we were together, you made me write, I wanted to impress you. And so I spilled ink from my soul and wrote lines like that that were just horridly melodramatic, and I read them aloud to you, and trying to take the words from my soul, and write them on yours, but it didn't work, did it? Because in the end, you were still gone, and I was still here. You stayed in your body, and I stayed in my own. And our souls sure as hell never became one.
Maybe that's what killed the melodrama.
It's been almost a year since I saw your face, no matter how often it's danced through my mind. It's been a year since I saw it light up with laughter, and since it twisted in disdain. And it's been almost two years since I heard you whisper my greatest prayer, that you loved me.
Yes, time has begun to fade away the pain. But not quite. I still had to write about it.
And it took me so long to realize I was writing about you. That I was writing about you, and me, and Colleen. That I was writing about the past, so that it would be gone. Just gone. And it took me a while to realize that pieces of paper filled with words about you, that they didn't make you be gone. That they couldn't. I couldn't make you be gone.
There are many things in life I have done that I never thought I'd have a strength to. I never thought I'd be able to walk away from you, or that I'd be able to say I'm sorry to Colleen. And the biggest thing is, I never thought I'd be able to write this to you without crying and cringing, spilling useless buckets of salt over the memories stuck in my head. But most of all, I never thought I'd be able to put your name in it. Cassie. And the name is just how I remember it- like a prayer.
I guess I want to write about you because well… because I've never been able to portray to anyone just how much you meant to me. I used think we were in love, but I know better now, I really do. It's not love that made you mean everything to me it was… well… I guess I still can't accurately portray it. It was everything you were. Everything you are. Every single detail, from your beautiful eyes, to the imperfect crook in your nose. That's what you meant to me. Everything.
And the words still don't do it justice.
I've written before how you made me feel words I'd never felt before, and that's true. And I know you once thought that the words meant more to me than you did. But that's not the way it went at all… you were the words, the words written in my soul. You were every word on every sheet of paper, you were the ink drying into masterpiece. You were everything. You were amazing.
And so when I thought I couldn't write about you, that I couldn't do it anymore, because it didn't hurt like it used to, I got scared. And I was tempted to call you up, and ask you to throw hurtful words at me again, just so I keep writing about us. About what we had. About what we threw away.
But I didn't. And I knew I wouldn't, because I knew it wouldn't do anything. Because, scary as it sounds, Cass, I'm over you. I've finally gotten over you, two years later, you're not in my soul anymore, and every word I write isn't about you anymore. And it's not going to be for you ever again.
I moved on after we split, sure, I dated other girls, hell, I think I might have loved other girls. But none of them held onto me in the way you held onto me. None of them still haunted me years later, none of them still drifted in and out of my dreams. None of them wouldn't let me forget.
They played our song at work tonight, Cass, but of course, you don't know what our song is. That's because it was more the song I used to remember what I felt for you, than a song that mattered to us. But I used it when we were together, to make sure I still felt something for you, because it portrayed everything I wanted to say to you. That I'd always take care of you.
Guess I fucked that up, didn't I?
Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what it was I ever saw in you. What it was about you that made me open my eyes, stand up, and take notice. Was it your laugh? Your words? Your smile perhaps? Whatever it was, it worked, and I'm still taking notice,
But it's different now.
And now I'll let words rattle in my head, and I'll call you Cassibeare, and I'll do it all, even if I am over you… for reasons I'm not sure if I can explain to you.
There's a lot of stuff flying through my brain right now, but the thing is, I promised myself once that I would write it all down someday. That I'd take our story, and our feelings, and I'd throw it onto paper.
And maybe that's what scared me.
But now… I'll think about you, and how we lived and laughed, and I'll think about how much you meant to me, and how I thought I was in love with you. And I'll still feel things, but it won't mean I'm not over you…
And with these feelings, I'll write it all down.
And when I'm done, I'll read the words I wrote, and I'll read your name in them, Cassie, and I'll smile to myself, and I'll remember.
And then I'll close the book.