A/N every time you see either the *** or ~~~ line it just means my friend and I are switching and if you don't get anything you can either ask me or just sit there, stare at you screen and wonder for the rest of you life . . . have fun!!

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They year was 1852 and a half and the rebulican rebels were half-hidden in the deep mountain snow of Kansas in July. They were waiting for the democrapic convoy of supplies to come passing by. There they would ambush it and steal all the country's jello

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Little did they know that the democrapic convoy wasn't coming. Hey had been ambushed by rabid llamas disguised as Mr. Roger's neighborhood and they were out to destroy their mortal enemies: the rebulican rebels

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As the llamas burst over a hill into the rebulican's view with the rebulicans getting ready to attack, out of the north came a fleet of cannibalistic flying shellfish, swimming through the snow to the rebulicans rescue

And there was Bob

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And Bob was good.

And it is because of Bob's goodness and Bob's...bobness ... that Sheila came to be... Bob and Sheila were...um...well they were special

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And in their specialness there was still great amounts of spaghetti in the world, for that fateful day the rebulicans were not destroyed and so Sheila sipped chamomile tea with Bob in the sitting room.

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Of the mother ship.

While president coo-coo head banged his head on the wall and said, "um...they...um...must die...um," and with that he sent out his army of peanut butter.

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To attack candy land and all the inhabitants of Alaska.

The peanut butter swooped down out of the sky with all the viciousness of a butterfly.

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while they followed the spiders

the sugar plum fairy was petrified she knew that candy land had been in trouble since the nutcracker left but she didn't really care because she still longed for his nuts to crack her once again.

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And then there was still Bob.

And Bob said to Sheila, "Sheila...I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"

And the peanut butter clobbered the sugar plum fairy and carried her away to a pit where the broken body of her nutcracker lay. But in place of his body there lay...

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a cheesy badger.

And the badger told her, "I'll give you a 'ha' and a 'hi-ya' and a woooooooo-ya' and I'll kick you hard and cover you with hot sticky provolone.

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but she pulled an ugly stick out of a hat and threatened to beat him with it if he dare take a step toward her a monkey's uncle.

But the cheesy badger disappeared and left a frog that said, "kiss me baby and I'll turn into your prince"

So she did and he turned into a...(as the frog said) "your mama."

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She screamed and yelled, "no mommy no, it can't be you...uh what happened to your nose?" there was a big ugly wart on sugar's mama's nose.

"Oh dear," she said. (sounding like Mr. Wick from the Drew Carey show...don't ask) "I thought my transformation was complete. I guess I can't be your mama then, sugar, oh gosh darn it."

And with that sugar's mama turned into a..............................

-----meanwhile-----

back in the sitting room of the brothership, Bob was asking Sheila some really hard questions.

"How tall is a China man?"

"Same height as a Chinese man."

"How long is a piece of string?"

"As long as the Easter bunny."

"I'm thinking of a color between 6 & 43 and what does it taste?"

"Duh... a platypus"

"Okay...what is your mother's brother's niece's dog's name?"

This one actually stumped Sheila, as she pondered this question she scratched the ears of Alfonzo, the half- poodle-half-wolfhound puppy. "I...I don't know" Sheila stuttered, "Why do you have to ask me this? The others were so easy every one should know those..."

At that point Sheila broke into song

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

Think about it every Saturday

Spread my ears and fly away

I believe I can soar

See me run into that closed door

Sometimes people think I'm high

But I really don't care 'cuz

I believe I can fly

-----meanwhile-----

... pig. The sugar plum fairy stared at him in shock. "wow" was all that she could manage to say until *~*pop*~* she turned into a lion.

They stared at one another for a moment before they went at each other like a pig and a lion...50 times a day and for 30 minutes each (A/N if you try to be smart and calculate this all out and you get an extra hour... well that your problem we don't care...so go back to second grade)

-----3 days later-----

They flopped on the ground utterly exhausted

"Wow that was amazing," the sugar plum lion said, "reminded me of my nutcracker" ::tear::

"well then, you'll be pleased to know that I am your nutcracker"

"really? Oh it's you it really is you..."

-----4 days later-----

"I'm ¬hungry."

'That's nice. I think I'm allergic to that tail of yours."

"I hate pink."

"Well I hate you"

"Fine then, leave, and see if I care.

"Fine"

"Fine"

...

::slams door::

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And then there was Bob still on the grandmaship. He once again was sipping tea. But this time he was talking to Darth Vader of the starship enterprise. He was sitting on an extra-large can of tomato soup and Bob was trying to see if it was genetically altered, but Dart's cape was in the way. Bob was so angry he challenged Mr. Vader to a duel. Bob easily defeated him and sat down on a giant can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup.

-----At the same time-----

Sheila was faced with an epic decision; Charmin or the generic brand of toilet paper? She broke out crying when she discovered that she could buy twice as much generic as Charmin with only $10 of Swiss money. But she gave in and bought the Charmin. As she walked toward the cashier a little child looked at her strangely and asked, "Mom, why does that lady not have any clothes?"

"She's a woman not a lady, and she's can't do that!" said the mother. Then she exclaimed at Sheila, "get some clothes, b*tch!"

Sheila dropper the toilet paper and ran out of the store into the wild Siberian jungle deep in the heart of Egypt.

There she wept. But crying for Bob and clothes did no good. So she tried crying for Bob and pants but, alas, it did not work. So she tried one last time, she cried for Bob and a shirt and *~*poof*~* out of nowhere came a shirt.

And then there was Bob. He appeared on the horizon. It looked as though he was moving very slowly, at first, but then it became clear that he was swinging on a jungle vine like...like Tarzan or Buzz Lightyear

It was amazing

-----Back at the sonship-----

Bob was speaking with a reincarnation of Darth Vader. This Mr. Vader was quite a bit shorter than the first, but anyways. Out burst Oprah, who wanted to hear all about the after life. So they chatted and Vader spoke about meeting Buddha and how he turned his afterlife around

"I was a world-a-day kind of guy . I needed to kill at least 10 billion things every day, but Buddha helped me turn off my need to DESTROY! Now I enjoy knitting, arts and crafts, Ice skating and on occasion, blowing up a f*cking bast- I mean-and listening to birds"

-----On a deserted island-----

"Hey Jim-Bob," said Jim.

"Hey Jim," said Jim-Bob.

"See any ships, Jim-Bob?" said Jim.

"Nope, sorry Jim," said Jim-Bob.

"Gosh darn it! We've been here for 5 years and not one ship has passed, not even a cruise ship! Geese Louise! I've eaten coconuts and bananas for too long! I've endured hurricanes and snails and scorpions!" said Jim.

"Sorry Jim. Hey will ya tell me what a ship looks like again? 'cause I really don't know what I'm supposed to be looking for," said Jim-Bob.

"What the h*ll? We've been here for 5 years and you don't know what a ship looks like? I'm blind because of the shipwreck, so I needed you to watch for ships," said Jim.

"You're blind too?" said Jim-Bob.

"Yes I'm bli-...wait you're blind? I didn't know you were blind, buddy," said Jim.

"I didn't know you were blind either," said Jim-Bob.

-------------------------------someplace else--------------------------------

J-E-L-L-O!

It's amazing.

You can brush my hair undress me anywhere...come on Barbie lets go party.

Special Sketchers!

And that is all you need to know about the pigs 30-minute orgasm.

All American Recreation...all we sell is fun!

Twinkle, twinkle, little star

Said the radio.

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and on the intergalactic news, Darth Vader has been spotted! Last seen terrorizing middle earth on his broomstick, he has recently been seem by a miss Britney Sluts, while he was apparently planting a flower garden ::multiple gasps::

On a more important note tomorrow is the bi-annual mid June-winter solstice.

And now its time for "ode to cheese-part IV-provolone...

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music

Calling all rebulicans-Calling all democraps-Calling all indefuckets-please meet tomorrow at the corner of 5th and maple to leave for the fight against the evil peanut butter armies destroying candy land

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And that is how Henning found himself on the corner of 6th and maple on this fine Tuesday morning in April.

'I know I should go with the indefuckets but I don't think I could leave Schnasse right now. I believe that soon we will be closer than ever and in the morning I'm making waffles for her' he thought.

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An old man, who was very hairy and very scary, came up to the pulpit to talk to the masses that had gathered at 7th and maple. "Hello citizens," said the hairy, scary, man, "you have gathered here today o fight for your country! Your homes! Your families! Your jelly!

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"And so I ask you to 'carry on wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done, lay you weary head to rest, don't you cry no more,. . . now on to candy land to save the broccoli."

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"Get on the train, boys it's time to ride."

The choo-choo train was named the "little engine that couldn't" the predecessor to Japans bullet train. It was unpredictable. Halfway up the mountain separating the town from candy land, it failed and sped back down. The boys didn't care, they were going back to 8th and maple.

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Over on 9th and maple stood a man in a hooded cloak, looking down on the crowds and watched as Sheila discovered the baby with the flower scar on his *censored*. As they walked away, he said, "good luck, Parry Hotter, the girl who fucked everything up."

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Just then the train came down the mountain and crashed into the man in the hooded cloak on 10th and maple, going full speed. The only thing onlookers heard as the train hit him, was loud, horrible laughter, and his last words...

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"Tell mommy I love her... but don't tell her I broke the cookie jar...she'd be devastated...bye-bye," and he was dead

-----meanwhile in candy land-----

Everything has melted due to the extreme heat of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Yeah. . . that's the end of our story, more may come soon but since we no longer have that particular boring class together anymore. . . it may take a while. . .until last week

tata