After some effort and a gigantic amount of will power, I made my way home. I had sat down in the streets for a good fifteen minutes, before I had gotten up. Now, I stood in my room, staring into space. I had lost all reason to live now, and felt that my purpose that kept me on this planet had gone. Only God himself knows how I feel right now, being on the verge of suicidal.

Hell, I was suicidal.

The balcony door looked somewhat inviting, as if it was trying to give me the easiest option to end the suffering of my heart. I stand there for a moment and consider the option of splattering my head all over the pavement five floors down. I consider what my anchors were to this world. I consider what I have to live for. I consider who in this world would even remember me, let alone miss me.

I draw blanks all round.

I take a step closer to the door. Then another. The third step is following close by. By the time I take my fifth step, I'm at the door to the balcony. Nothing but the thought of Susanita is running through my head now, and I can only hear on sentence in my head

"I'm afraid you and I cannot be, Sammie"

Questions span constantly in my head as my hand draws closer to the handle. Why can we never be? Why won't she give me a chance? What did I do to deserve this pain and heartache? Why can't be together? Why would she never consider me? What did I do to make her not love me? What DIDN'T I do to make her love me? Countless other questions continue to haunt me as the French doors open, and I take a step outside onto the black, metal balcony. Right in front of me is the River Thames, the river where I skimmed stones into, the river where Susanita and I sat next to, watching the world go by together. Memories of her flood my mind, and fill me with utter emotion. My eyes begin to well up with tears, which begin to trickle down my face. The warmth of the tears was no compensation of the warmth Susanita would've given me. I lean over the edge.

Suddenly something stops me.

A strong urge stops me dead in my tracks, as if an invisible wall has been placed in front of me. Something tells me, although I have nothing to live for right now, that's not the big picture, that I am missing something. The feeling was of guilt. Somewhere deep down in me, I knew that if I choose to end my life now, Susanita would be devastated and full of guilt. I knew if I died like this, she would not live too long either, as she is so gentle- hearted.

I hate having a conscience.

By having that feeling, I knew that I had to stay here on Earth, whether I liked it or not, at least for a while longer. I so badly want to take the easy way out of this mess, but my conscience just won't let me do it. Accepting that I can't do it, I return to my bedroom, utterly defeated and life-less. I lay on my bed, looking at the ceiling, and I wonder how I can pass the time away, to ease the pain.

After a while of resting, I came up with an idea that would kill two birds with one stone; I remembered somewhere that an origami swan means friendship, and that offering it would mean that a friendship would last forever between the two friends. I got up and sat on my chair in front of my desk, and pulled out some paper from the rack above me. Luckily for me, a friend had taught me to make a few origami objects some time ago, about a year or so. In front of me, there were a few differently coloured square pieces of paper. I had a few reds, blues, black and green. I remember that Susanita's favourite colours were white and red, so I immediately picked up a few pieces of red paper. I surprise myself by actually remembering how to make the swans; it was at least a year since I made one, after all. After several folds and bends, I made the swans. They are only a couple of centimetres high, but that added to the novelty; Susanita loved small things, as she finds them cute. I place the swans side by side on my desk, looking at me. Thinking that I had done a great deal of work, I retire to my bed and close my eyes for a little while, seeing that the time is 6:04PM before I close my right eye.

I don't recall dreaming when I get up, I glance at the clock, and pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming now.

The time on the clock was 9:15AM the next morning.

I had must have fallen asleep as soon as I closed my eyes, because I was still dressed. I look at the desk to check if my swans were still there, and they are, right where I left them. I retrieve my black 8910i phone from my jean pocket, where I had last left it. I look for Susanita's name in the phone's memory, and dial her number. She takes a little while to answer the phone.

"Hello, Sammie." She answers in a flat tone. I guess she is still bitter about the whole incident. "Hi, Susanita, how are you feeling?" I ask her, hoping not to get a reply that would involve in a hang-up. She replies by stating "I've been better, but I've been worse, thank you." Not sure how to proceed with a statement like that, I offer to meet up her today, as I know she had no plans today. After some hesitation she tells me

"Sammie, don't think we are on the grounds we were on a few days ago. Your admission has changed everything, especially the way I see you. If you want to see me just to try to change my mid and to go out with you, don't bother. If you just want to cool off my anger, just give me my space, I will calm down after time has passed." "I understand, Susanita," I replied. "I just wanted to give you something that shows how much you. the friendship means to me." I almost gave her the wrong impression again.. Fortunately, she didn't seem to pick up on it, and agreed to meet up later in the afternoon.

By the pond.