I have pigeons outside my window. I don't know why they chose my window, or even my apartment; it was probably arbitrary. Or perhaps pigeons fly around seeking prime pigeon real estate, with such features as large windowsills and people inside who dislike being woken at an early hour. I certainly fit the latter qualification, if not the former, so obviously they chose me.

But that's not important. What's important is, they're here, they're loud, they annoy the heck out of me and I can't get rid of them.

I've tried a black paper cutout of an owl; you know, you cut the outline of an owl out of black paper, and hang it on the window to scare away birds? Well, that's what I did. And do you know what the pigeons did? Guess. Did they flap away in panic and never return? No. Did they fall off the windowsill in shock? Guess again, readers! No, what these pigeons did was peck through the glass to get at the owl.

That's right, they ruined my window. So not only do I have pigeons who awaken me at five AM with noisy cooing (a word which does not describe the cacauphony issuing from their beaks), they seem to be psychotic killers, as well. Now I'm stuck with these psychotic killer pigeons, and there's nothing I can do about it.

You know, I used to LIKE pigeons, despite their reputation as flying rats. I use to let them eat out of my hands in the park. I thought, well, they're a vital part of our ecosystem, performing the very vital function of being eaten by hawks, or whatever eats pigeons. Maybe nothing eats pigeons. Maybe that's why there are so many of them. But that's not my point. My point it, I used to like pigeons, I really did. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it was Beauty and the Beast, the movie. You know, how Belle lets the little birds eat out of her hands? It could be that, the insidious influence of out popular culture and the false glamor of feeding small, cute animals. Though pigeons are neither small nor cute.

But I don't think it's either of those things. I think I like pigeons because pigeons have learned, over the centuries, how to manipulate people into not killing them. And then they'll take over the world. They certainly have me! Haha, you pigeons! You really crack me up! You really--

Excuse me. I have these little... outbursts. I think it's because I can't sleep due to these pigeons living on my windowsill.