AN: A play (just like Ten Scene Suicide) that was written for Drama class. Me, Sarah, Katie wrote it. Stacey was supposed to help, but she… er… didn't. THEN WE PRESENTED!!! READ AN BELOWWWW!!!

Herman's Teeth

Characters

Raoul

à Mexican flamenco dancer from Brazil (actor must use accent)

            à Both red and green make him angry

            à Is a midget (actor must be on knees for this role)

            à Very selfish

Shavrilarthy (Aka Shav)

            à Raoul's Indian sister (actor must use accent)

            à A belly-dance instructor

            à A strange obsession with ducks and/or water fowl

            à Has a cat that she dresses as a duck

            à In love with Cleatus

Cleatus

            à Is a Texan questioning his sexuality (actor must use accent)

            à Possesses secret feelings for Raoul

            à Petrified of all farm animals

            à Has an invisible pig named Pig

            à Does not enjoy pants

Old Man Herman (Cleatus' uncle) – (Actor should be slightly hunched over and uses a stick or cane)

            à A blind Transylvanian farmer (actor must use accent and should wear sunglasses because he is blind)

            à Is psychic and carries around a crystal ball

            à Always misplaces his teeth

PLOT: All about Raoul's rise to fame.

(Scene One: Raoul is practicing his latest dance moves in his sister's room)

Raoul: I just love dancing! Look at me move my body! (wiggles excitedly)

(Shavrilarthy comes in and is confused and somewhat shocked to see her brother dancing in her room)

Shav[1]: Raoul! What are you doing in here?

Raoul: Your room is the only room with a full-length mirror where I can watch myself wiggle.

Shav: Why would you need a full-length mirror?!

Raoul: Are you mocking my height?

Shav: Er… no…

Raoul: Good. Because I don't appreciate that. It makes me sad.

(Herman hobbles in, koffing loudly)

Herman: (speaks as if without teeth for the rest of the scene) Do I hear talking? Don't lie to me… (cough) I was listening at the door.

Shav: What?

Raoul: Oh, don't worry… Uncie Herman does it all the time! (aside to audience) That's Uncie Herman. He's not really our Uncle.

Herman: (smiles and coughs loudly as if trying to hack up phlegm)

Shav: So, what do you want?

Herman: Have you seen my teeth? Also my nephew, who might be in possession of my teeth?

Raoul: He's outside, running from your cows.

Herman: …I don't have any cows.

Raoul: (solemn look) Then I don't know what he's running from.

Herman: WHAT ABOUT MY TEETH! (feels around a bit)

(They go outside and see Cleatus running from chickens in pure terror)

Cleatus[2]: AAAH! Them cows're gonna get me!

Raoul: Those aren't cows.

Shav: Those are chickens, buddy.

Cleatus: Oh… (points to rooster) That one's lookin' at me cock-eyed…

Herman: That must be my rooster. (aside to audience) That's Cleatus, my nephew. He hates being around farm animals. Well, except for his invisible pig. Its name is… Pig. (in) Are you angering my animals, Cleatus?

Raoul: Probably.

Cleatus: (aside to audience) That's Raoul. He's as tasty as a pumpkin pie. Or apple pie. Or any sort of pie you like. (while still 'aside', he stares at Raoul with a twinkle in his eye) Why do I feel this way? (in) I wasn't angerin' no animals, don't y'all get that? They all come after me first! …Damn cows.

Shav: Chickens.

Cleatus: I don't care 'bout your silly (makes finger quotes) "appropriate animal names". (aside to audience) Alls I care about is Raoul… and pie. (in)

Raoul: What are you doing out here anyway?

Herman: I can tell you what I'm doing out here… I'm looking for my teeth! (from here until the end of the scene, Herman feels around for his teeth)

Raoul: No, I mean Cleatus.

Cleatus: (aside to audience) He's talkin' to me! He's actually talkin' to me! (in a desperate tone, still in 'aside') WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?!! (in) Me? I was… (picture of Raoul in a heart-shaped frame falls from his clothing, he picks it up; in a frantic tone) Er, nothing!! (attempts to hide photo)

Shav: (takes picture from Cleatus) Why…? (gives Cleatus strange look) Why do you have a picture of my brother?

Raoul: What? Me?

Cleatus: I… I… I found it out here! Them dang cows had it!

Shav: (annoyed) CHICKENS!! (aside to audience) Why must the love of my life be so STUPID?? (in)

Herman: Where are my teeth?!

Raoul: Stop talking about your teeth!

Cleatus: Them cows (gestures to chickens) probably have 'em.

Shav: I'm not even gonna bother.

Raoul: I need to go practice my dancing. (Raoul exits)

Cleatus: NO, WAIT! …You forgot your picture! I mean… oh, crap. Never mind… (looks around nervously; puts picture in shirt)

(Shav and Cleatus stand there awkwardly while Herman is still feeling around for his teeth; Shave keeps moving closer until she touches Cleatus)

Cleatus: (gives Shav an awkward look) I'm gonna go take off my pants… (exits opposite Raoul)

Shav: Wha-? Pants? …(sighs tiredly) C'mon Uncie Herman, let's go find your teeth.

(Shav grabs Herman by the arm and they exit)

(Scene Two: Cleatus has a romantic evening planned by the fireplace, Cleatus is clad in a red shirt, Raoul is wearing a boa… There is also a Christmas tree set up on set and Cleatus presses a button on a CD player or tape deck, and romantic music plays.)

Cleatus: Okay… the fire's all set, I got the champagne; I hope Raoul will like it! (Raoul passes by while practicing his dancing) Raoul!

Raoul: Yes? (Raoul turns around and notices the red shirt that Cleatus is wearing) hey…whats that on your …shirt…aahhhhhh! (Raoul tackles Cleatus and Cleatus doesn't resist)

Cleatus: (next line is said while Cleatus is tackled) Now I know how you feel about me, Raoul, and I…I …well, you see…

(Uncie Herman hears the commotion and runs in to intercept)

Herman: Now, now boys…are you fighting? (pokes them with his stick/cane) Now, I'd like one of you to stop and tell me what is going on!

Cleatus: Now I know this is difficult for you to see here, but Raoul jumped on me because….

Herman: What color shirt are you wearing?

Cleatus: Well…red, but…

Herman: For God's sake, put a sweater on! Remember how Raoul reacts to red and green!? (Cleatus feels embarrassed at the mixed signals and wraps up in a blanket)

Herman: Have either of you seen where I put my teeth? I'm starting to get hungry! (Herman crawls on floor feeling around for teeth and exits)

Cleatus: (aside to audience) Good, now we can be alone! (in) Umm…er…you look thirsty…workin' on that dancin' …er…and that tacklin'…

Raoul: Well, actually yes, I'm very thirsty! I need to work hard you know…to become a big famous dancer!!! (Takes champagne from Cleatus, they sit by the fire)

(Shav enters and things become awkward)

Shav: Hello Cleatus! (Shav stares at him seductively while he only notices Raoul) Oh… (notices Raoul and becomes disappointed) …hey Raoul.

Raoul: Hey Shav, want some of this juice?

Cleatus: It's champagne!

Raoul: No it's not…it's apple juice!

Cleatus: WHAT?! (Cleatus looks disappointed at his foiled romantic evening by the fire.)

Shav: So… what are you guys doing? Hanging out?

Cleatus: Yeah… I guess. (aside to audience) Now that Shav came along. (in)

(There is an uncomfortable silence for no less than five seconds, no more than eight; Shav steals glances at Cleatus; Cleatus steals glances at Raoul; Raoul stares into the fire. Cleatus attempts to make conversation.)

Cleatus: …So what's the deal with pants?

(Raoul and Shav stare at him strangely)

Cleatus: I mean, seriously. I don't enjoy pants. I'm gonna take my pants off right now! (slowly attempts to take off pants) Damn zippers. Too hard to use, I tell ya.

Shav: (aside to audience) The poor boy's an idiot, but I love him! (in)

Raoul: HEY! (shields his eyes) Don't be taking off your pants while I'M in the room, okay? Do it on your own time.

Cleatus: (sad look) Sorry…

(There is, once again, another awkward silence as they try to think of conversation.)

Raoul: (to Cleatus) So, what have you been doing since you removed your pants earlier?

Cleatus: Me? Oh, well… I put up the Christmas tree. It IS Christmas, you know.

Raoul: (deranged look) Yes… Christmas…

Shav: (points to the Christmas tree) Oh, there it is! It's so pretty.

Raoul: (deranged, angered look increases as he notices the green of the tree) GAAAAHHH!!!! (runs and tackles the tree to the ground) I HATE YOU… STUPID TREE!!! AAAAHH!!! (continues attacking tree)

Shav: Raoul! You ruined Christmas! (exits, crying)

(Herman comes back in and jabs the nearest thing with his stick… the nearest thing will not be Raoul or Cleatus, but a pillow)

Herman: BOYS! What's going on in here? (pokes at the pillow) Wow, Raoul… you've gotten a lot smaller since the last time I felt your head…

Raoul: (stops attacking tree) What? Are you mocking my height?

Herman: Er… no…

Cleatus: (aside to audience) Everything I planned was ruined! Ever since Shav came in… (cries, runs and exits)

Raoul: I should go too… I have an audition tomorrow I need to prepare for. (aside to audience) It's always been my dream to dance for a large audience! Ever since I was small—well, when I was younger. (in) I'll see you in the morning, Uncie Herman. (exits)

Herman: (aside to audience) Heh heh… Raoul's a strange kid. He and his sister Shavrilarthy aren't related to me, but I like having them call me 'Uncie'. Makes me feel special. (in) Well, I'd better be off to bed too… (feels his was with his stick/cane as he exits, bumps into several things along the way before he finally exits.)

AN: Hope that was enjoyed. We actually presented it today (May 8th, 2003), and we got 85% on it. Our teacher said it was weird. Who was your favourite character? Heehee… do you want to know which one I was? Use this prefabricated thingy!

I think that…

Katie was… [enter character name here]

Mary was… [enter character name here]

Sarah was… [enter character name here]

Stacey was… [enter character name here]

Leave your email address and I'll get back to you… if you're right, then you get a cookie. AN IMAGINARY COOKIE!! And if you know me in person, and I have gone ON AND ON about this play any my character, DO NOT USE THE PREFABRICATED THINGY! Yeah, that includes you Sarah.

[1] About the name Shavrilarthy… I'm not Indian, so I don't really know any Indian names. And we pretty much just put in random letters and syllables.

[2] Cleatus came to me when I remembered watching Sweet Home Alabama. Bobby Ray, the gay cowboy. He's hot. *droolz*

Everything pretty much was made up on the spot. Not much thought was put into each character. We have a pretty weird sense of humour, eh?