I want to dance barefoot in the rain in white gauze and not care that the fabric is sheer, and wet, and hangs on my breasts and thighs. I want to spin and smile and not care that my hair clings to my face making my neck look too long, and my head too small, and my nose too thin and sharp.
I want to draw perfect stars on my skin, and write poetry and latin words along the spine of a pale red haired girl that I love, when we wake up nude and glowing and rested. I want to switch her coffee with tea, and steal and hide her cigarettes, and make tiny flowerly pastries, and sushi, and mint enchiladas.
I want to chew on my lips that taste like spearmint (not peppermint because I'm allergic) and drink cheap wine straight from the bottle, leaving dark red lipstick traces on the green glass. I want to leave these marks on the shoulders and ankles of a poet boy who doesn't speak English in a cracked parking lot, and make love on the roof of someone else's car until we're sunburnt and exhausted.
I want to have an affair with my English professor who smells like dust and cigars, and old books, and leather, and whose shirt is always wrinkled. I want to stand on the subway as he teaches me about William Carlos Williams with his hands inside my blouse, and his stubble scratching the inside of my neck as he kisses my shoulders. I want to discuss Ginsberg, and Keats, and Emily Dickenson while we have sex on his bed with our clothes still on.
I want to tango and swing and salsa at some smokey bar with a girl in a tuxedo. I want to take over the dance floor while everyone sips wine and watches and whispers 'remarkable' and 'astounding', just like in the movies. I want to dance so long that my feet ache and my tights rip, and I have wine in my hair and my eyes, and on my dress, and we can't keep our hands off each other and end up biting and kissing and grabbing on the living room floor with the door still open.
I want to chop off my hair and wear someone else's shirts, and glasses even though I don't need them, and carry a laptop everywhere so that I can sit outdoors at cafés and sprawl on grassy hills by lilac bushes and watch the sad people and type until my fingers are sore. I want to swim in the rivers, and climb trees, and smile at the children, and refuse to believe that the teenagers are as bad as everyone says.
I want to meet a girl and say 'let's leave' and we'll get on an airplane and travel to somewhere where neither of us speak the language. I want to buy a cheap apartment and learn to talk by reading smudged newspapers, and eat stale bread, and apples, and cheese, and chip off all of my toenail polish.
I want to go to France and live in a room with peeling walls where the windows are dark and don't let the sun in, and write, and smoke even though I know it's bad for me. I want to stay locked up for days, and then leave and sleep outdoors, and never speak English, and seal all of my letters with black wax.
I want to live with an actress, who cries all the time because she has tears for every mood, and who knows all the best places to get cheap good food. I want to go with her to the bars that stay open all night long to memorize her lines, and stay up with her while she wears the best, beautiful antique dresses, even though she has rehearsal/costume fittings/auditions in the morning. I want to meet fascinating people because she knows everyone and kisses their cheeks, and makes everyone fall in love with her, and I feel beautiful around her because she loves me.
I want to drink coffee and black tea all the time and stay up late scrawling poetry and spilling ink and coffee on the bed sheets. I want to give my teachers crumpled sheets of paper that everyone knows are mine because of the coffee rings, and the ink splotches, and the fingerprints, even if I forget to write my name again.
I want to wake up early when it is still dark outside to paint before I run off to the farmer's market to buy fresh produce. I want to make breakfast for the old men who play chess in the park, and the homeless kids, then come home and play my guitar and sing and forget to get dressed.
I want to see everything from behind my camera, and take pictures of beautiful people in the water, because everyone looks wonderful in the water, with mascara tears on their cheeks and glittering pieces of flesh. I want to put the pictures on my walls, and smile twenty times every day.
I want to stay up late and eat potato pancakes and discuss philosophy, and theology, and family, and pop culture, and comic books in Perkins at 3 am with cool nerdy boys. I want to huddle together in the parking lot, kissing and whispering 'marry me' even though we don't mean it. I want to have fake names and fake accents, and dance to rock music in our socks and underwear.
I want to meet a boy and have his babies, and he'd be their hipster daddy painter/photographer who lived down the block and slept with his models, and sung Beatles songs and told bedtime stories. I want to live in a house with fingerpainted bathrooms, and murals, and mosaics, and tangleweed organic gardens, and we'd be so happy. I want to tell my kids about polyamory, and sexuality, and diversity, and question society's veiws on everything, and they would know that their family didn't have to be related because that's not what family means.
I want to grow my hair long so that it hangs in my eyes, and kiss people on the sidewalk, and wear too much eye makeup and paint my nails every night. I want to twirl while my babies play the bongos, and slow dance in the streets under the lamp light when there's no music, and wear sunglasses in the morning when my eyes are dark and swollen from crying in my sleep.
I want to watch old movies and drink lemonade in bed with my kids, and giggle, and tickle them, and tell them stories and read them my favorite books. I want to tell them to love their bodies, and their minds, and to celebrate living.
These are the things I want.