Unwell

*Lyrics from 'Unwell' by Matchbox Twenty

                "I don't know you anymore"

                Those words kept resounding in my head as I lay on my bed. I was curled up on my side, one hand clutching both my legs tightly to my chest as if I would fall if I had held them with any less force. My other hand was tangled in my hair which now tumbled down past my eyebrows, covering my eyes. Through the dark strands, I stared motionlessly at the ceiling, eyes darting to and fro from it to the shadows formed by the moonlight shinning through the blinds playing on my wall.

                I know I should go to sleep but my eyes just won't close. My body was tired from the day of endless battering. It also ached for her. I forced my eyes shut and I could hear them again. They were the voices that have haunted me for the past few months. I brushed them off at first, thinking that they were from my imagination due to stress. Then after a few weeks, they started to get to me. They became real. And they drove her away…

                Go to sleep, tomorrow might be a better day. I told myself, blocking out the voices.

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

                I remember when I started scaring her. She told me so herself.

                "Ryu, you're scaring me… Please tell me what's wrong…" she begged me. I was crouched in a corner, eyes dilated, staring back at her. My hands were holding my head, fingers scratched deep into my scalp, drawing blood. She looked at me helplessly as I withered away.

                "I've already told you! It's them! They're what's wrong!" I said in a harsh whisper. My voice had gone hoarse as I've rarely eaten or drunk anything for the past week. My throat felt so dry and raw. When I talked, it felt as if someone was rubbing sandpaper across the walls of my throat. It hurts. I coughed hard.

                "Ryu, please come with me. You need to see a doctor," she pleaded again. She was kneeling quite a distance away from me as I would freak if anyone came closer. I had recently attacked her when she tried hugging me. I hated contact. That's what they told me.

                "Why do I need to see a doctor? Nothing is wrong with me! They're what's wrong!"

                "Who are they? There isn't anyone here," she was starting to loose it. I could tell that they were getting to her as well.

                "You can't see them… but they're getting to you… they're getting to you…" I kept repeating that sentence, an eerie grin formed on my sunken face. She gasped and a tear fell from her eye, leaving a watery trail down her cheek. Usually I would have kissed her and promised her that everything was alright but I didn't move. I just stayed there, with that grin on my face.

                Then she got up and left the room, covering her face as she broke into uncontrollable fits of tears. When the door closed, I buried my head into my hands and cried.

                What is happening to me? I kept asking myself that.

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

                "I'm afraid she has developed schizophrenia. It's a condition when the patient…" the doctor kept on rambling. She nodded her head and looked at me with her swelled eyes. She had been crying since the day she walked out. Another tear escaped from her eyes.

                I saw it as it rolled down pass her cheek. I felt my heart breaking. And I laughed out loud.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

                It's been 3 months since the doctor had last diagnosed me as a schizo. 3 months since you left. I've been prescribed some anti-depressants and anti-psychotic meds, I'm still far from normal but I'm now fine enough to get a simple job as a waitress in a small family restaurant. But I still hear them. I do. I know they're in my head. And I know I need to find a way to drive them away. The meds could only keep them at bay for a while. I know they are still trying to get me.

                "But they'll never get me… No… they won't. They can't. They'll never get me," I kept repeating to myself. I was on the way home on the train; standing at a corner with my head drooped, talking to myself.

                I didn't have to look up to know that they were looking at me. Muttering under their breath and whispering things about me. I close my eyes and try to hide myself even more in the corner.

                Bad things. Cruel things. Wrong things.

                I close my ears as the whispers and words became louder and louder. They don't know me… There's nothing wrong with me. Is there?

                I couldn't take it anymore.

                I screamed.

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

                "I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you…"

                That was all I could think about. I miss you.

                Those 3 words have said it all. I needed to see you again. But you left. You left without leaving anything behind. Well, you did leave something: me.

                It hurts.

                The pain is too much to bear.

                And as my tears cascade down my cheeks, I could feel them drawing closer… they're coming. They're coming to get me…

                And this time, they'll take me away.

                I'm sure.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

                "You win…" I said to them.

                Standing at the ledge of our - I mean my apartment building since you're gone, I looked down at the few passing cars. I could see the busy city coming to a stall as night fell. First, the city was lit up in all the colors available. It was beautiful. Then slowly, one by one, the lights turned off. Even the traffic lights seem to be changing colors slower as the number of cars decreased as well. Soon, the whole world was asleep except for me. And them.

                They're telling me to follow them now. To go to where they are. They're taking me away…

                I look at the photo of us together in my hand. I traced your face lightly with my finger. A tear escaped and fell onto the photo.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
 

                "I'm not crazy!" I shouted. Then in a small voice, barely audible, I said, "I'm just a little unwell…"

                Looking at the photo once more. One last time, I sighed and smiled at you.

                "I hope you remember me… cause I won't forget you."

                Then I let them take me away.

But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be