Looking up from the display he was arranging, John sees Brianna walking past with her head down. He notices her pulling absently on her sleeve, trying to cover her arm; he sees that she looks a little upset. For a minute he thinks about going out to see if she's ok, then stops himself "She's just trying to get my sympathy" he mumbles to himself. Shaking his head he goes back to the counter on the other side of the shop. The lady behind the counter next to him looks out the window to where John's gaze seems to be fixed. Brianna has stopped and is looking for something in her bag.

"Talk to her."

He looks toward her and laughs "talk to who? Her? I don't even know who she is!"

He walks away and starts inspecting some rings under the glass counter. He keeps his eyes on them and says quietly "I did talk to her. last night, or tried too. She wouldn't answer me. I've deleted her from my contacts list, but she instant messaged me last night. I was just going to block her, but I thought I'd see what she had to say for herself. I asked her what she expected me to do, and I never got an answer."

~~*~~

Back at home Bri sits at her computer, sipping at her coffee and rolls a cigarette while she waits for her computer to start up. She looks at her arms, hidden under her sleeves and sighs. Why did I go there? I know he doesn't want me to be anywhere near him! God, I'm such a fat bitch! No wonder he hates me.

She looks up as her computer prompts her to type a password to log onto windows. Typing her password quickly she takes a drag on her roll up and waits for it all to load, she wants to get online and write in her diary. and look some things up. She picks up a stuffed toy from her bed; it's one of Donald Duck's nephews. She can't remember its name; she's called him Ducky since she was six. Hugging it to her with her left arm, she uses her free hand to exit the programs she doesn't want running and to connect to the internet.

Once she's signed into everything she quickly types the address of the site she keeps her diary on and begins to write..

Well, here's the story, a lot of you probably think I'm a freak anyway. But I don't have anyone to talk to about this and the whole idea of a diary is to let my feelings out right? So here goes.

How I Lost One of the Best Friends I Probably Ever Had

I met him in a chat room in MSN, one of the teen ones. (Ack! He just came onto messenger!!) Anyway. I had a fake ASL and name. Why do that you ask? 1, because I have a mental age of 12 - 13, no self esteem, and I honestly belive no one could like me the way I am now, and 2, I had been getting trouble from someone in chat so I was avoiding them. So anyway I think I whispered him and we chatted for a little. Then he asked me my ASL. I said 14.f.england and he believed me so we added each other to messenger. I really wasn't expecting him to talk to him a lot. Normally when I meet someone in a chat room. We tale a few times then nine times out of ten we never speak again. But me and 'Shadow' got on really well so we chatted more and more, and got closer and closer. The whole time I was thinking I need to tell him, I need to tell him. But I couldn't I was just too scared too. How can I tell this really nice guy that really seems to like this thin, blonde, sweet 14 year old girl, that I'm really 19 (at the time) fat, have no friends and a range of mental problems? My answer. I can't. He wanted to meet. how am I going to get out of this one? Easy. lie some more, make up anything. make him not want to meet me. So the lies got bigger, and worse. In the end I couldn't remember half of what I told him. so yesterday after 6 months of lying to this great guy that I think I've fallen for (great way to start a relationship huh?) I e-mailed him. telling him everything. As far as I can see I'm still on his list but that doesn't mean anything. He could have just deleted me without blocking me. I have no idea what to do. way to go Bri. I'm going to be cutting my arms again tonight. I know I am. I did it last night too. But I'm so down and it's the only thing that seems to help. Well anyways I'm going to go now, take care everyone. Bri xxx

She hits enter and submits the entry, glancing down the screen she sees she has notes from other diarists after her previous entry.

"Great, more people to hate me.." She mumbles sadly to herself as she reads.

~~*~~

Later on that day John sits down at his computer, booting it up while he drinks a glass of coke. Connecting to the internet and signing into MSN Messenger, he blinks as he gets a message from someone right away, from a girl called Katy. one of Janna's. no, Brianna's friends.

"Allo"

"Heya, hows you?"

"I'm alrite wat have u been ^2?"

He smiled a little, he preferred it if people typed in full, but he never said anything. It didn't take him long to decipher what she was trying to say.

"Nothing much, working. It's the busiest time of year for us."

"Wat xmas is?"

"Yeah, I work in a jewellery shop"

"O okies"

She went quiet for a little while; she wasn't marked as away so he presumed she was just busy talking to other people.

He looked through his e-mails, half expecting there to be one from Brianna begging forgiveness. There wasn't and he looked relived. He didn't have time to deal with her games. hell; he didn't really have time to be online right now! He looked down as the bottom of his screen started flashing, another message from Katy.

"How do u calm Jan down? Shez on da fone cryin"

"Me talking to her used to calm her down."

"Wat did u used 2 say?"

"It was more a case of what I didn't say."

"Wat do u mean?"

"Doesn't matter, I'm sorry, I don't know how to calm her down"

She goes quiet again and he assumes she is off dealing with Brianna. He hoped she was okay, but said nothing more.

He looks at his phone again. almost thinking of calling to see if she's alright, but thinks better of it and decided to log off. saying goodbye too everyone he turns off his computer and lays on his bed in darkness. His long cabled headphones slip over his ears as he gets lost in his music.

Love, love is a verb, Love is a doing word. Feathers on my breath Gentle impulsion Shakes me makes me lighter Feathers on my breath, Teardrop on the fire, Feathers on my breath. Nine night of matter, Black flowers blossom, Feathers on my breath. Black flowers blossom, Feathers on my breath. Teardrop on the fire, Feathers on my breath. Water is my eye, Most faithful mirror, Feathers on my breath. Teardrop on the fire of a confession, Feathers on my breath, Most faithful mirror, Feathers on my breath. Teardrop on the fire, Feathers on my breath. Stumbling a little. Stumbling a little.

~~*~~

Putting down her mobile after talking with Katy, Brianna looks at her black jewellery box, walking over to it slowly she opens it up, revealing a packet of razor blades. She takes one out and walks over to her bed, setting out two bandages, some gauze and some antiseptic spray. Closing her eyes she whispers

"I'm sorry, John. I'm so sorry."

She takes a deep breath before moving the blade down to her skin, running it lightly over, then starts to cut. the words "fat" and "ugly" appear on her lower arms, among the other 10 - 12 other straight lines cut into them. The cuts from the night before are just starting to scab over. After about 10 minutes she sits and stares at the blood running down her arms and onto the bedclothes. Blinking away the tears that have gathered in her eyes, she lets them roll down her cheeks as she sprays at her arms and dresses them. Hiding her razor, she then curls up into fetal position and cries herself to sleep.