The Humans Guide To Surviving After Death (Anti-Religion) By Raricarnia

*Authors Comment- I have officially tainted this paper with my being, doesn't that bother you? Actually, I have also tainted you. Thoughts of my "Insane Ramblings" or me are going through your freshly changed mind. You have now been distorted.

One could probably go mad with power, having such a direct affect on your mind, but it's a little late to blame power. Heh. Damn bad grammar. Keeps sneaking up on me. Anyways, I'll get on with my writing now.*

Jesus had a little brother, his name was Paul. Paul Christ. He looks to be about 16-17 now, but is obviously far older. He always had to live up to the expectations of his older brother, so naturally, school was a bitch. He soon got fed up with the whole "You have to pure and holy thing". So now he hangs with MurDuk and I. Pentagram around his neck, all decked out in silver and black, he looks like one of the boys, ya' know?

. Isn't Jesus technically a zombie now? Jesus is bisexual, not to insult anyone, but I'm not kidding. He resides in a purple house (which he insists is "Plum" colored) and makes blankets for those who need them.

I know what's going through your mind right now, at least one of two things. Either (a), You want to know how I know these things; or (b), you want to know why anyone in Heaven would need a blanket or be cold.

The answer to (a) is, I'm actually a creature far older then most gods, laugh with disbelief if you must, but I am far from the only one who knows this, and I have witnesses, so your opinion in this matters not.

The answer to (b) is that Heaven and hell aren't the stereotypical places that everyone thinks, yes Heaven has some Extremely beautiful places (like The Druid Haven), but so does hell, The Blood Forest of Echo Side is to die for (and if you go there past dark, you will). But Hell really does have places of torture, rape, mass slaughter, execution, and far to many other forms of extreme sadistic-ness (The Dark Rocks of Echo Side are swarming with lesser demons). Heaven has far more then it's fair share of this as well, but to a lesser extent and it's done by those you've wronged or wish to wrong you (it's very complicated).

Now, about those Dark Rocks. I love the place, extremely dangerous if you've no skill with a sword or magic, and I a plenty of both. The demons that can talk are either friendly or are looking for a fight, show no fear and you'll live (you can die on the mortal plain and be reborn in Heaven or Hell, but from there you only enter the cold empty bliss of oblivion). There really is a constant war between Heaven and Hell, but good and evil have nothing to do with it (they are only perspectives). To quote my favorite band, Insane Clown Posse "who is worse, the man stealing food to eat, or the man who won't share his food, thus making the other man steal?"

You can join the war, on either side, hell always wins, but they never keep the land the take, they just raid like Barbarians and the retreat and give the "Holy Ones" a chance to recover (what would there be left to do after that?).

If you choose to join the war on hells side, you'll not be given great power and turned into a demon. You'll only be given armor and a sword, then you'll be thrown into a pit with a "true" demon, if you live then you'll be given the armor of flight, forged in Hell, of course. I'm sure it's obvious what happens otherwise. The armor is interesting, I'm not sure how, but it gives you wings of darkness (black threads of light hold you in the air, not very high). Heaven is the same but with wings of light (blue threads).

So now your educated, if you die, you'll survive long enough to get your bearings and maybe even make something of yourself, "See you in Hell".