The kitchen has become my enemy. I despise the refrigerator. I am in a battle with food.
As recent as two years ago, I felt like I could eat whatever I wanted and I would not gain any weight. Then last summer happened. I never thought I would become the kind of girl who would quit eating after realizing it did help her lose weight. It wasn't like I never knew what starving myself would do. I did. I just never realized how in control I would feel once I started doing it.
It all happened by accident. I went through a bad breakup and would feel sick every time I tried to eat. Eventually this eating habit lead to skipping meals or putting off eating because I knew how I would feel when I put food in my stomach. It is amazing how quickly a person can lose weight when they deprive themselves of food. In less than a month I weighed 15 pounds lighter than I had two months before.
All of this happened so fast. I began to notice a difference right away and once you realize the difference, it becomes so hard to stop. Because I was home for the summer no one was forcing me to eat meals. I was waking up around noon and going out with my friends right away. Sometimes I wouldn't return until really late at night. I was left to find food for myself. If I was out with my friends, it became all too easy to lie to them and pretend like I grabbed something before we got together.
Of course I did pretend and lie a lot. For the time being, I felt fine. There was nothing wrong with me, right? I would just wake up, shower and go right out. It was like my kitchen didn't exist. Eating was no longer a part of my daily routine.
Well the new routine I picked up eventually backfired on me. I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was July 3rd, 2003. My friends and I had been planning this day for a long time and things were not going as planned, right from the start. First of all, I had to baby sit until three pm so our plans were pushed back a few hours. There was this free Christian concert going on out at our mall. It was an all day affair. While I was babysitting that day, I was too busy taking care of the children that I didn't eat lunch. Let's not forget that I had been awake since 6:30 that morning and I skipped breakfast. By the time I was off running around with my friends, I was pretty weak. Taking care of a four year old and a two year old boy was exhausting. I pretended like I was fine and after a few misunderstandings with my friends, we finally made it to the mall and the concert.
By the time we got to Freedom Fest, my mood was going downhill. The lack of food in my body, heat, and the bad mood my best friend was in, all contributed to what happened later that night. After the fireworks in the middle of the concert, our moods had lightened, but I still had not had dinner. After the fireworks, my friends and I were standing off to the side, laughing and jumping around when all of the sudden I got a terrible pain in my stomach. I fell over onto the pavement and held my stomach. Tears were streaming down my face and I felt extremely lightheaded. My friends were rather concerned. One of my friends who knew me pretty much inside and out had a clue as to what the problem was right away. She leaned down and asked if I had anything to eat that day. I looked away and she immediately ran off to get something for me to eat. She returned with popcorn and I refused to eat it. I told her I didn't need that junk in my body. Eventually she got me to eat a few pieces, even though I put up a really good fight. That night changed the rest of my summer, but did not change the rest of my life.
It's a year later now. I went to college for the first time, had a lot of different experiences and find myself in the same position as I was a year ago. I want nothing to do with food. I feel like eating one meal a day will hold me over just fine. I hate walking into my kitchen. After freshman year in college, I gained twenty pounds and I feel like I lost complete control of my food and eating habits. Well, I know how to solve that problem, don't I? I will just start skipping meals. Sure, it will be hard at first but eventually it all works out.
I can already see the difference and I love it. My stomach isn't pudgy anymore. I can finally work towards the flat stomach I want. So what if I am so weak at the end of the day that I shake? That's nothing. I will get back to my ideal weight, even if it means I have to put up a vicious battle with my kitchen and the food in it.
It's been two weeks since I had a normal three meal day. Let's see how long I can keep this up.