Narrator
The tale begins, that's odd tails are on the end. (The narrator blinks confusedly) Scene 1: In the kitchen of a humble couple's cottage (There is a tower in
the back round.)
Wife
Hush child, stop crying Lettuce. mmm lettuce. Honey, please get me some lettuce, without it I will surely die.
Husband
Oh darling quit while you're ahead. You are addicted to lettuce! I'm putting you on the patch!
Wife
Get me some lettuce from Michael Jackson's garden or I'll-
Husband
Do I have to? You know that place gives me the creeps.
Wife
YES!!! Git' outta' here.
Husband
Alright (runs off)
Wife
(Talking to Lettuce) I don't even like lettuce; I've just got to get rid of that father of yours. Michael will finish him off if he catches him. After all lettuce is the only thing that grows in his garden. (Baby cries) Ok Lettuce let's put you to bed. (Wife walks off, and then husband walks in.)
Husband
Hey girl, I was caught by Michael and for my life he insisted on keeping our bratty daughter. I don't know why, didn't he ever take child care when he was in school? He got the raw end of the stick, if you ask me. (Looks around sees wife isn't around and starts to poison the lettuce. Wife returns.)
Wife
Honey, what's tha- (husband quickly tosses the empty bottle into the air)
Husband
Oh, hi. Here's your lettuce Michael nearly killed me but-
Wife
Shame he didn't. eh (laughs) I mean shame he didn't share with us! Heh, heh. (Husband offers her the bowl) No thanks I...I'm not hungry.
Husband I risked my life for this lettuce now you eat it. (Shoves bowl in her hands)
Wife
Fine (starts eating) cough, cough, choke. Why you. there aren't words to describe you! Wait I know, cough, murderer. Gag.
Husband
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. (Husband sticks out his tongue.)
Wife
Well knives can. (Stabs Husband, both lie dead. Michael moonwalks in with a bandaged nose, takes baby, and holds baby out the window.)
Narrator
Sixteen years later Lettuce has grown up and not in the best of ways. Her hair hasn't grown back after Michael shaved it off to spin into a gold glove. He still needed a way to climb the tower he put lettuce in. The tower had no entrance, apart from a small window fifty feet above the ground. Michael braided a willow switch and gave it to weak Lettuce as a wig.
Scene 2: Lettuce is in the tower listening to "All for you" by Janet
Jackson.
Michael
(Below window) Lettuce, Lettuce let down your long wig.
Lettuce
Not by the hair of my chinney chin chin. By far, it is such a pain to make my wig support your weight.
Michael Are you implying or insinuating that I am heavy, you lackadaisical child!
Lettuce No sir. Please don't get your panties in a bunch. I am just in the middle of this CD.
Michael Not Janet's again!!! Stop it, and if you don't let down your long wig RIGHT NOW, I'll turn you into.into something you don't like!!
Lettuce
Fine, fine, give me a second will ya? (She takes off wig and ties it to a small peg in the wall. Then Michael climbs into the window.)
Michael
Here is an apple to keep that suspicious doctor away and a movie to keep you busy, see you in a week.
Lettuce
Gee, thanks, can you just leave I need my wig back it's a bit drafty up here.
Michael
Indubitably. Bye. (Michael leaves the scene and a prince comes to the tower. Meanwhile lettuce puts her wig back on and improperly adjusted it.)
Prince
Lettuce, Lettuce let down your long wig.
Lettuce
(Frightened, but intrigued) Who, who are you?
Prince
Why, haven't you seen or read any fairytales?
I'm the prince to take you away on my steed.
I'll take you away to my castle in Wales.
And you shall reward me for my selfless deed.
(Note the oxymoron.)
Lettuce
Where is your steed, my fairytale prince who speaks in verse?
Prince
Well I guess I don't have one yet.
There are no reins in my hands.
I'll get one, be willing to bet.
And you shall come with me across many lands.
Lettuce
Can you stop that, I'm getting a headache. Please leave and don't come back until you have a horse.
Prince
How did I give you, such a lady so fair;
a headache that would hurt you.
The home shopping network is where,
I'll get a steed in days numbered few.
Narrator
Lettuce waited patiently in her tower for the prince, but day turned to day and month turned to month. Finally the prince returned.
Prince
Oh Lettuce, I have returned for you
I have to tell a tale.
Sorry it took me days not so few,
but the steed got lost in the mail.
Lettuce
Whatever, where's the horse?
Prince
It is right here, my dear. (He turns around the corner and brings out a rocking-horse.)
Lettuce
What is the matter with you? Are you discombobulated? Oh well, I suppose it will do, come up here.
Prince
Don't have a conniption fit. I knew this would lead to trouble. (He climbs into the tower)
Lettuce
(Takes one look) EWWW!!! (Lettuce pushes the prince out of the tower where he landed on some wicked witches shoes) Ha ha. He really thought I liked him, when all I wanted was this horse to get me out of the confounded tower!!!
Narrator
Well that's the last of it. Lettuce fled to her parents' house, where she buried their skeletal remains under the floorboards so she could forever hear their beating hearts. They all lived ever happily after.
The End
The tale begins, that's odd tails are on the end. (The narrator blinks confusedly) Scene 1: In the kitchen of a humble couple's cottage (There is a tower in
the back round.)
Wife
Hush child, stop crying Lettuce. mmm lettuce. Honey, please get me some lettuce, without it I will surely die.
Husband
Oh darling quit while you're ahead. You are addicted to lettuce! I'm putting you on the patch!
Wife
Get me some lettuce from Michael Jackson's garden or I'll-
Husband
Do I have to? You know that place gives me the creeps.
Wife
YES!!! Git' outta' here.
Husband
Alright (runs off)
Wife
(Talking to Lettuce) I don't even like lettuce; I've just got to get rid of that father of yours. Michael will finish him off if he catches him. After all lettuce is the only thing that grows in his garden. (Baby cries) Ok Lettuce let's put you to bed. (Wife walks off, and then husband walks in.)
Husband
Hey girl, I was caught by Michael and for my life he insisted on keeping our bratty daughter. I don't know why, didn't he ever take child care when he was in school? He got the raw end of the stick, if you ask me. (Looks around sees wife isn't around and starts to poison the lettuce. Wife returns.)
Wife
Honey, what's tha- (husband quickly tosses the empty bottle into the air)
Husband
Oh, hi. Here's your lettuce Michael nearly killed me but-
Wife
Shame he didn't. eh (laughs) I mean shame he didn't share with us! Heh, heh. (Husband offers her the bowl) No thanks I...I'm not hungry.
Husband I risked my life for this lettuce now you eat it. (Shoves bowl in her hands)
Wife
Fine (starts eating) cough, cough, choke. Why you. there aren't words to describe you! Wait I know, cough, murderer. Gag.
Husband
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. (Husband sticks out his tongue.)
Wife
Well knives can. (Stabs Husband, both lie dead. Michael moonwalks in with a bandaged nose, takes baby, and holds baby out the window.)
Narrator
Sixteen years later Lettuce has grown up and not in the best of ways. Her hair hasn't grown back after Michael shaved it off to spin into a gold glove. He still needed a way to climb the tower he put lettuce in. The tower had no entrance, apart from a small window fifty feet above the ground. Michael braided a willow switch and gave it to weak Lettuce as a wig.
Scene 2: Lettuce is in the tower listening to "All for you" by Janet
Jackson.
Michael
(Below window) Lettuce, Lettuce let down your long wig.
Lettuce
Not by the hair of my chinney chin chin. By far, it is such a pain to make my wig support your weight.
Michael Are you implying or insinuating that I am heavy, you lackadaisical child!
Lettuce No sir. Please don't get your panties in a bunch. I am just in the middle of this CD.
Michael Not Janet's again!!! Stop it, and if you don't let down your long wig RIGHT NOW, I'll turn you into.into something you don't like!!
Lettuce
Fine, fine, give me a second will ya? (She takes off wig and ties it to a small peg in the wall. Then Michael climbs into the window.)
Michael
Here is an apple to keep that suspicious doctor away and a movie to keep you busy, see you in a week.
Lettuce
Gee, thanks, can you just leave I need my wig back it's a bit drafty up here.
Michael
Indubitably. Bye. (Michael leaves the scene and a prince comes to the tower. Meanwhile lettuce puts her wig back on and improperly adjusted it.)
Prince
Lettuce, Lettuce let down your long wig.
Lettuce
(Frightened, but intrigued) Who, who are you?
Prince
Why, haven't you seen or read any fairytales?
I'm the prince to take you away on my steed.
I'll take you away to my castle in Wales.
And you shall reward me for my selfless deed.
(Note the oxymoron.)
Lettuce
Where is your steed, my fairytale prince who speaks in verse?
Prince
Well I guess I don't have one yet.
There are no reins in my hands.
I'll get one, be willing to bet.
And you shall come with me across many lands.
Lettuce
Can you stop that, I'm getting a headache. Please leave and don't come back until you have a horse.
Prince
How did I give you, such a lady so fair;
a headache that would hurt you.
The home shopping network is where,
I'll get a steed in days numbered few.
Narrator
Lettuce waited patiently in her tower for the prince, but day turned to day and month turned to month. Finally the prince returned.
Prince
Oh Lettuce, I have returned for you
I have to tell a tale.
Sorry it took me days not so few,
but the steed got lost in the mail.
Lettuce
Whatever, where's the horse?
Prince
It is right here, my dear. (He turns around the corner and brings out a rocking-horse.)
Lettuce
What is the matter with you? Are you discombobulated? Oh well, I suppose it will do, come up here.
Prince
Don't have a conniption fit. I knew this would lead to trouble. (He climbs into the tower)
Lettuce
(Takes one look) EWWW!!! (Lettuce pushes the prince out of the tower where he landed on some wicked witches shoes) Ha ha. He really thought I liked him, when all I wanted was this horse to get me out of the confounded tower!!!
Narrator
Well that's the last of it. Lettuce fled to her parents' house, where she buried their skeletal remains under the floorboards so she could forever hear their beating hearts. They all lived ever happily after.
The End