Preface by Samuel Isaac Clemens
Though I have been gone from Sol for only a few years it feels to me like a few centuries. I left Earth a normal terran—a little dull, starved for entertainment, and looking for my place and purpose in the Universe. None of this has changed. What I have gained from my accidental vacation is an intense appreciation for just how dangerous our "civilized" galaxy truly is.
The intent of this book started out as an objective narrative detailing the various things I and my companions have done that should not be done while touring the cosmos. However, I have found that being objective is far more trouble than it's worth, and so have replaced the objectivity with a long account of our capering about the vast reaches of space. The reader may thank me with a generous financial contribution if it can be made available. If it cannot, then at least buy this book.
Therefore, I should stress that what you hold in your hands is not a factual account backed up with cited sources, since most of the sources I would care to cite have probably gotten themselves killed by now anyway. Instead, what you hold is my personal perspective applied to several monumental events that our little group was privy to—events that, strangely enough, turned out later to have been history in the making. For those of you wishing to know what wisdom (If you really want to call it that) my travels have produced but lacking an inclination to read further, allow me to summarize my tale as thus: The there are times when the Universe conspires against you and there are times when the Universe forgoes the red tape and declares total war.