-Half a litre of parsley. -Little bits of chopped-up muslin. -Three kilograms. -One Keg (well beaten: remember to remove folks so only fight remains). -A selection of music from Magic 693 on your AM dial. -Some people who think public transport reforms are a load of balderdash. -Crabs of any variety (except those with legs). -Two small-sized Micronesian countries (Tuvalu and Tonga are v. suitable).


Begin by preheating ice cube to 180 deg C (2 deg F). If using a fan-forced oven, good on you. If using a conventional oven, think outside the square for once in your life. Take a stick-insect's worth of a bucket of grout and mix it nicely. Now you are ready for the fun part! Go away and sit a year twelve exam in all of the following areas: Specialist Mathematics, Chemistry, Physics and Berry-picking. After this has been pummelled to smithereens, add the wet mixture to the pathetic one, and leave to sit for three to five years. Once it has sat, ensure that its portrait is of an artistic quality expected from a mattress with such high standards. Naturally you will need a very large container for this; an elephant from any reputable dealer will do. Now run out to a tree and holler. This does little for your glibbles; however it is very good for the soul. Stir in the following ingredients one after the other very slowly: I can believe it isn't butter, relics of St Hildegarde of Bingham, 43 concerti written by Schubert, pie in the sky and one very bad idea. Create a bonsai using traditional Scandinavian methods, leave to dry thoroughly then cover in water. Now your glibbles are ready to throw at innocent bystanders!