no subject


at least while i was waiting i could fool myself
i could pretend
i could think i was right
i could think i knew everything
and how to go about it

i could tell people to be
and i know what i told them is right
but i cant take my own advice
i cant look past

i'm so tired of constant
constant
rejection
the only constant is rejection
the only different is who
and what
and why

and i just cant take it any more
i'm always rejected
always tossed aside
always the project that needs work

i'm there in the side lines
and you know i'm here
and you know i'll help
or come to you when you need me
but i'm fucking tired of playing these bullshit games

you dont
you say you do
you dont
they wont
you say they will
they wont

why cant dreams just fade away?
why cant i just go back to the way i was
miserable
but fully aware of my misery
and fully capable of dealing with it
at least on some level

fuck me
fuck my hopeless starry-eyed
bigger than life
never gonna happen
cause i'm always second
or third
or twenty-something
in line
dreams

fuck my life
and fuck the people that make my cry
and you know what?
fuck you
you're always there for me?
but you're too fucking worried about everyone else
to ever really notice when i'm really pissed off
and about what
cause it's usually you
so fuck you too
fuck you for not helping
fuck you for not being there
fuck you for not really trying as hard as i know you can
because i've seen you try that hard before
so fuck you for giving up on me
fuck you for making me think you still cared
fuck you for making me try to believe in myself
but you cant believe in something that's not worth anyone's fucking time

something needs to kill me
something needs to break my heart in two
something
something
anything
i really dont care any more
i just dont want to go on
believing in this unattainable thing
and while i may say fuck you
i really just need someone here
and i need to know
that i'm going to be okay
but i don't want to hear it from you
because you cant help me right now

but i dont know who can

6/2/03