(untitled)

before i go
i want to reveal
what really is behind the
alabaster skin and the amber eyes
that can change so easily
what really lies beneath the scars
the past
the life that you never knew about
a life i can barely remember
a life that i had
clenched
between my fingers
cold, like ice
slippery with blood

you thought you knew
you thought you understood
what you saw
the crimson kisses
straight and narrow
slashes///so many of them

and the tears
you thought you cried
crystalline and clear
but just as evil as those kisses
even more because they were
fake
but now i'm telling you
how i felt
how this soul
wept
pained
as it flowed beneath the fingertips
beneath the chipped black nail polish
that was reduced to that
simple evil in your mind
that same evil in those
tears you cried
but to you
so much more
so much corruption
anarchy...
disobedience

i told you then, and i say the same now --
no.
i said so much more than i should have
and you were disbelieving
unwilling to face the truth
ignoring it all
thought it was the music
the music
(you never saw the life that it breathed into me)
my comfort
and you threatened to steal it from me
snatch it like you
thought you could snatch me
and
bottle me up
(protect me)
but you were bellowing
screaming
savage
like that evil that you were trying too hard to shelter me from

...did you know you were killing me more than i was?

and now i see you sleeping across the hall
and everything is
silent
silent
like the walls of my room that wish they could scream out
scream out
scream out all of the terrible things they heard
all the things they saw
and scream out at how they could do
nothing
how they stood
helpless
they wont have to listen
won't have to watch
anymore.

i write to you as i slip down the drain
my soul washing away with the warm water running so quietly
i know you'll never hear
i once heard that happiness
something that I rarely felt
something that slipped from my grasp so easily
too easily
was a choice
a choice that i
couldn't make
(trapped)
so i made another choice
one that probably isn't right
one that probably will hurt you more than i ever thought it would
but i couldnt just ignore
those kisses
those memories
like you did
because i knew that they would
haunt
me
haunt
me
like the little horrors they are
so i'm
freeing myself
from those memories

...please dont cry.