Innocent Smile
The tale of my biggest regret...

I stared out of the window, and watched the raindrops running down the panes, much the same way as the tears of self-pity and self loathing ran down my cheeks. I had hurt him. Really, really, hurt him, and even though he had hurt me too, it was all my fault.

It had started just three weeks before. He was a friend of a friend, and we started talking online. I realised right away that I could relate to him, and he was very honest, saying the same about me. Apart from my current boyfriend Cameron, nobody had ever given me such undivided attention. And I simply revelled in it. Cam was suspicious from the beginning, though at first there was nothing to be suspicious about. He said that it was so obvious that Jack fancied me, and I kept on denying it the whole time, even when I knew it to be true. I don't think I really like Jack as anything more than a friend. Maybe if Cam hadn't been on the scene I would have, but I honestly did love Cam. At such a tender age, I had already given my virginity to him, and I knew he was the one for me. Over a year after everything happened with Jack, Cam and I are still together.

I had still only met Jack twice. Once at a friend's party, and a second time when I met up with him and went shopping. I didn't tell Cam, because I knew how jealous he would be, even though Jack and I were still nothing more than friends- and never would be, as far as I was concerned. Even then, I should have told Cam I was meeting him, because I was just giving him more fuel to add to his flaming pile of evidence that I was 'seeing Jack' behind his back.

It was the day before Easter. I was feeling very depressed, and the fact that I knew Jack like me was getting to me a lot. Did I like him too? The question kept on running around and around my mind. I convinced myself that I did like him, but I think I only did it because Jack was giving me the attention I wanted, and all Cam was giving me, was grief about other guys. It made me feel special that two men wanted me, when up until Cam, I had been rejected time after time. I suppose it was my insecurities which made me stupid enough to do what I did. Any old excuse will do, as long as I don't have to admit to being selfish, which is exactly what I was. Jack invited me to his friend's party. I had met one of his friends before, and he was nice, but there were also going to be about twenty other people there who I had never met. I was always so nervous meeting new people. Jack convinced me to go in the end, and I went. It was the worst thing I could have done. Jack had confessed to liking me, and I said that I felt the same, even though I didn't. He was quickly becoming an excellent friend, that was true, but I loved Cam, and I didn't want to hurt him. But I did anyway, because when I want something, I have a habit of not caring what stands in the way. I do what I can to get it, regardless. I used to be like that anyway- I like to think that I have changed somewhat, especially after my Easter experience.

I lied to Cam, and told him that I was staying at my friend Barbara's house. I could tell he didn't believe me, but I didn't care. I wanted to see Jack, so Cam became less important. I hate myself now for thinking that, but it doesn't matter- it's too late to change it.

At the party, I ended up curled up in a chair on Jack's lap. I fell asleep, because he made me feel warm and wanted. How a friend should make you feel. Were there sparks? If he felt them, he was the only one who did. I just wanted acceptance and comfort, and that's what I got from this guy who thought that I liked him. It went too far in the end. We kissed, and that was too far on it's own. I felt so dirty and guilty for betraying Cam, but I knew that I only had myself to blame, and that made it a whole lot worse.

I told Jack that night that I would break up with Cam the next day. Did I intend to? I doubt it very much. And I didn't, of course. Cam rang me the next morning, and I was still at Jack's friend's party. Jack said that he would rather not see me until he knew that Cam was out of the picture. I breathed a sigh of relief, because I never wanted Jack to start with. Cam found out where I had really been, but he wasn't angry. He forgave me, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I convinced him it was just two friends hanging out together, and he believed me. Another thing to beat myself up over.

As for Jack, I stayed friends with him for a couple of weeks, and then the phonecalls ended and he ignored me online. I wondered what had happened- was he busy? Why did he seem alright with what happened one minute, and the next change his mind and decide he hated me? The next time I spoke to him was online, about two months later. He told me that I wasn't who he though I was. This made me feel awful about myself, because I could actually relax and be myself around Jack more than I could around other people. And if Jack didn't like who I really was, then who ever would? I shed tears over it, but I know that Jack did too.

It was such a nasty, selfish thing to do, and I know that- I'd be stupid if I didn't realise it. All I know, is that I still have Cam, and we love each other. I'm never going to risk losing that again, not for all the attention and comfort in the world. If I want someone to hold me, there's already someone there to turn to, so I don't need to go looking for it elsewhere anymore… and I never did to start with. Never take what you have for granted, and don't be like me- find something good, and cling to it with all your might.