Notes: This is a PARODY. It should be taken seriously. If you do, you are A) dumber than a pro-athlete, or B) dumber than a celebrity.
Lesser of Two Evils: A Parody of Election Tactics
In any democracy, there are politicians. With politicians comes elections, and with elections comes one of the most annoying parts of living in a representative government: negative campaigning. One party and their candidate make the other appear as dirt bag. The party will then ignore any claims against their candidate, and hope to portray him or her as the lesser of two evils.
That's how people get elected, it seems. However, this tactic seems to have brought an undesirable effect on democracies: getting bad politicians into office. However, I propose a solution. No, it's not eliminating elections. That doesn't seem to work too well.
If voting for the lesser of two evils seems to mess up society, why not vote for the greater of two evils?
Here's my case. It's nearly impossible to tell a good politician from a bad politician when they're being touted as the lesser of two evils. Each politician seems to be worse than their predecessor, so voting for the lesser of an ever-increasing evil with probably result in another Uncle Joe or Great Helmsman.
So, why not vote for the guy you know will be evil from the start? That way, the only way to go after electing the worst possible candidate is up.
Here's some evil candidates to watch out for-
Party: Cult of the Great Old Ones
Platform: Eat tasty human souls and brains, and rule the universe.
Slogan: "That not dead can eternal lie; for with strange eons, death may die."
Name: Jerry Falwell
Party: Religious Right
Platform: Kill the wretched unbelievers!
Slogan: "May the blessings of God be enforced upon all!"
Name: Michael Jackson
Party: Creepy Resistant Alien Plastic (CRAP)
Platform: Use all the oil on the planet to make plastic for Jackson's nose, and offer your young sons to Michael.
Slogan: "I love little boys!"
Name: Rosie O'Donnell
Party: Weight Watchers
Platform: Eat everything and everyone on the planet.
Slogan: "Yum! Food! Eat!"
Platform: Pillage, rape, and burn!
Slogan: "Die by the hammer of Thor!"
Party: Evil Critters of Middle-Earth
Platform: Take the One Ring and rule!
Slogan: "One Ring to bind them."
Name: Darth Vader
Party: Sith Order of Dark Jedi
Platform: Rule the universe.
Slogan: "Come with me, and we will rule the universe together!"
Name: Dan Quayle
Party: Second Grade Spelling Dropouts
Platform: Change the English language so they can pass.
Slogan: "We iz gonna spel how wez wantz 2!"
Name: Bill Clinton
Party: Union of Perverts
Platform: ***CENSORED FOR CONTENT!***
Slogan: ***ALSO CENSORED FOR CONTENT!***
Name: Joe Lieberman
Party: Pro-Censorship Blowhards
Platform: Get rid of all profane materials, and climb down any offender's chimney Santa Claus style to take any banned games, books, movies, albums, etc. away.
Slogan: "Anything above PG is evil!"
Name: Dr. Evil
Party: Evil, Inc. (Formerly known as Enron)
Platform: Rule the fricking world!
Slogan: "Throw me a bone here, people!"
There you have it! Evil at its finest! I didn't make the list this year, because I'm not running yet. If I did, I'd blow all these guys out of the water evil and insanity wise… There's always next year…