Notes: This is a PARODY. It should be taken seriously. If you do, you are dumber than a pro-athlete, celebrity, or politician. And trust me here friends, that is DUMB.
Lesser of Two Evils: Campaign Endorsement
It's almost election time here in the States! In about six months, people will be going to vote for the candidate tries to get themselves perceived as the LESSER of two evils. Have politicians and voters learned nothing from my essay? However, I still have yet to give my endorsement to one of the evil candidates. Now, let's see what happened to some members of the previous political lineup of evil! (See previous chapter for platforms and parties.)
Name: Michael Jackson
Fate: Might attempt to flee country because of legal issues.
Reaction: Bah! If Jacko turns tail and flees because of PUNY HUMAN LEGAL ACTION, how can he handle the mutants, robots, and giant lasers that Evil Overlord in Chief requires? Not getting my endorsement.
Name: Rosie O'Donnell
Fate: Ate a bit too much, and exploded.
Reaction: Good riddance to the blimp. Now she's gone, the food she eats in a day can be used to eliminate world hunger. While showing the Deadly Sin Gluttony might be good for an Overlord, too much is a health hazard.
Fate: Defeated when One Ring got chucked into a volcano by a midget .
Reaction: What a joke! He broke a basic Evil Overlord rule- DO NOT tie the source of your powers and/or being in with some mundane object the heroes can destroy. Lack of common sense does not result in my endorsement.
Name: Darth Vader
Fate: Turned good after a sappy scene with son.
Reaction: This guy turns GOOD in the end? Um, hello, this is the EVIL OVERLORD endorsement list, not the REPENTANT VILLAIN list! I don't give endorsements to good guys! Be gone, do-gooder! However, Mr. Vader did have style…
Name: Dan Quayle
Fate: Dropped out of race due to literacy test.
Reaction: The guy's too stupid to know how to read the big red "Danger: Do Not Push" button. Obviously not Evil Overlord material.
Name: Bill Clinton
Fate: Already served as Evil Overlord for two terms. Can't (thankfully) run again.
Reaction: Not evil enough. Lousy preference for women. I mean, was Monica a woman, or a diseased bimbo that resembled a cow? I'd say "Cow."
Name: Joe Lieberman
Fate: Dumped back to fringe.
Reaction: Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Name: Al Sharpton
Fate: Sniped by Belarus Constantine in Call to Power: Libertarian Blues story.
Reaction: (See Above with Joe Lieberman)
Name: Dr. Evil
Fate: Cryogenically frozen and has a lot of problems with time travel. Not to mention, after movie one, became unfunny.
Reaction: This guy originally would've gained my support, but he's on ice, and doesn't like to be waken up. Also has a nemesis that always thwarts him.
Fate: Remains dead, but dreaming in his house in R'lyeh. Should be awakened by cultists when stars are right.
Reaction: THIS is my official endorsed candidate! Cthulhu has it all. He has godlike powers. Legions of fanatic cultists. Cool theme music (See "Call of Ktulu" and "The Thing That Should Not Be" by Metallica). Insanity causing, fearful presence. Cool tentacles. The ability to eat souls and brains. Evil incarnate. A vast, powerful intellect. A well known piece of campaign literature, the dread spell book Necronomicon. Now, if I can only get him up in order to run…
There you have it! Cthulhu gets my endorsement. So, when you vote, vote Cthulhu in '04! Why vote for a lesser evil? More information can be found at wwwDOTcthulhuDOTorg !
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu R'lyeh ftaghn!