The Narrator With A Big Nose: Hello, and welcome to a new series: Edited For Content!
(applause)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Now, despite what many of you think, I do not have a big nose.
(Writer: Sure you don't.)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: I do not! I have a perfectly normal sized nose!
(Writer: If that's what you call normal sized, then I guess it is.)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Whatever. Anyway, this story is about a group of friends hanging out and saving the world and that sort of stuff.
(Writer: Get on with it!)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Oh, right. Our story begins with the six friends hanging out in their house. They have a cool and big house. It's cool.
(Writer: Could you be any slower?)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Yes. Let the story begin!
Jake: John, Rem, Sam, Chelsea, Jiru, get in here!
John: We're right in front of you, Jake.
Jake: Quiet! I'm trying to watch TV!
Jiru: You know, maybe if you'd spend as much time help out around this house as you do watching TV then we'd have a really nice-looking house.
Sam: Are you serious? Jake would ruin the house.
Jiru: Point taken.
Rem: I'm going to order pizza, what do you all want on it?
Chelsea: Cheese or pepperoni is fine with me.
Sam: Just get the usual.
Jake: I want mushrooms.
Everyone: NO!
Jake: Fine, be that way.
(phone rings; Jake answers the phone)
Jake: Hello, Jake speaking.
Chris: Jake, I've found some sort of puzzle.
Jake: What do you want me to do about it?
Chris: Do you think you and the others can stop by here?
Jake: What's in it for us?
Chris: You'll know as soon as you get here.
Jake: Can we bring pizza?
Chris: Yes, please.
Jake: Ok, see you soon.
(Jake hangs up, then goes back to watching TV)
Chelsea: Who was that?
Jake: Wrong number.
(silence)
Sam: You mean you had a long conversation with someone that had the wrong number?
Jake: Yep.
Sam: You ended up saying: "See you soon."
Jake: What's your point?
Sam: Why is he our leader? Why can't I be the leader?
Rem: I don't think we really need to explain why you aren't the leader.
Jiru: Well, what about me? Why Jake?
Jake: Because I'm the smartest.
Jiru: No way.
Rem: I doubt it.
John: Not likely.
Jake: It's true, and you all know it. Now, when's that pizza going to get here?
(doorbell rings)
Chelsea: Anyone got any money?
Sam: I'll take care of it.
(Sam opens the door)
Dixon: Hey, that'll be the usual.
Sam: We didn't order any pizza.
Dixon: Yes you did. I have you're order right here.
Sam: Oh, we didn't order and pizza.
Dixon: Yes you did. Sam, I recognized Rem's voice on the phone.
Sam: Oh yeah. We didn't order any pizzas.
Dixon: Listen, you can either pay me or I steal the money from you.
Sam: Ok. We didn't order any pizzas.
Chelsea: Sam, shut up and pay him.
Sam: *sigh* Fine.
(Sam hands Dixon something and takes the pizzas)
Dixon: This is a tissue.
Sam: No it isn't. It's money.
Dixon: No, I'm pretty sure it's tissue paper. This is no form of currency.
Sam: It is in Tissue Paper Land.
Dixon: Hey, give me the money.
Sam: We didn't order any pizzas.
Dixon: Yes you did!
Sam: Here.
(Sam hands him something else)
Dixon: This is a can of beans.
Sam: Magic beans.
Dixon: Really? Cool!
(Sam closes the door)
Jake: Let's take them to Chris's place. He's got some kind of puzzle for us.
Sam: We didn't order any pizzas.
(they head out the door)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: So they then go to Chris's place to find out what he wanted.
(door knocks; Chris opens the door)
Chris: I didn't order any pizzas.
Sam: Copycat!
John: Ok, can we eat the pizza now?
Jake: Hmm. ok!
(they eat the pizza)
Jiru: Chris, did you want something?
Chris: Yeah, go get some Pepsi.
Jiru: No, I mean over the phone. Jake said something about a puzzle.
Chris: Oh yes, come this way.
(they follow Chris)
Chris: Back when I was in Egypt I-
Sam: You have a passport?!
Chris: Yeah, everyone in these stories does. As I was saying, back when I was in Egypt I uncovered this in one of the pyramids.
(Chris shows them a key)
John: Well, what's the key for?
Chris: That's what I'm not sure of. I couldn't find anything to it would go in.
Jiru: Let me see that.
(Jiru takes the key and examines it)
Rem: What would ancient Egyptians need a key for?
Chris: I'm not sure. I've never heard of them ever using keys-
Jiru: It's not Egyptian.
Chelsea: Then what is it?
Jiru: It's Roman. See these marks right here? They were commonly used in ancient Rome.
John: So how'd it make it's way to the pyramids?
Jiru: I'm not sure.
Rem: Was there anything else unusual in that pyramid, Chris?
Chris: I wasn't able to finish my expedition. I was the only one in the pyramid at the time, and when I came out my entire crew was gone.
Chelsea: The entire crew?!
Chris: Yes. I was the only one left. The entire campsite and all the camels were gone.
Jake: You're lucky to be alive.
Chris: True. I made my way through two days of thirst walking in the hot sun back to Cairo.
Jake: So what do you want us to do?
Chris: I want you to come back to that pyramid with me and finish looking around.
Jiru: What about the Roman key?
Chris: We'll worry about that later. First we need to finish finding all those artifacts. I did notice some others that were very peculiar.
Rem: Were there any mummies?
Chris: There are always mummies.
Jiru: Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!
Jake: That follows your name, doesn't it?
Jiru: What?
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Now to Cairo!
Rem: Chris, how far away are these pyramids?
Chris: Not too far, I assure you. I made the trip on foot in two days.
Brad: Two days? Impossible!
Chris: Ah, might I introduce Brad, Bryan, Lyndsay, and Bradi. They'll be going with us on this expedition.
Brad: Howdy.
Bryan: We're only guides. Once you reach the pyramids we leave. The last thing I want is a curse.
Lyndsay: Bryan, honey, you've got to be more skeptical.
Bryan: One curse is enough for me in a lifetime.
Lyndsay: What's that supposed to mean?!
Bradi: Hey, relax you two.
John: Enough, where can we get camels?
Brad: Chris called us beforehand, so everything is ready to go. We'll depart in an hour.
Jiru: Wait, Brad, you said it was impossible to make it from the pyramids to Cairo in two days on foot, didn't you?
Brad: That it is. I take nearly a day and a half to get there on camel.
Sam: A day and a half on that horny llama?! I think not.
Bryan: Then you can walk.
Sam: Next thing you know they'll want me to ride a giant flea.
Jake: So, what do we do for an hour?
Bradi: Prepare.
Lyndsay: Duh.
The Narrator With A Big Nose: So the eleven explorers prepare for an hour before it's finally time to go to the pyramids.
John: Are we ready yet?
Brad: Yep, it's time.
Sam: So, do we, like, stop to sleep any time?
Bryan: Sleep? In the desert? You must be on something pretty strong.
Sam: What about tents or something?
Bradi: You're Sam, right?
Sam: Yeah.
Bradi: Well, Sam, this isn't some kind of sleepover. This is a very important expedition.
Lyndsay: Wait, it's not a sleepover? Forget that, I'm not going.
Bryan: Lyndsay, don't do this in front of people.
Lyndsay: No, Bryan, if this isn't a sleepover, then there's no reason to go.
Bryan: What about. you know. us?
Lyndsay: In the desert?! Are you insane?!
Bryan: I thought you liked strange places.
Lyndsay: But not the desert, Bryan.
Chris: What about the money I'm paying you?
Lyndsay: Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. Let's go!
(they each get on a camel and leave)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: So they went into the Sahara Desert. Did you know that the inhabitants of the Sahara Desert are called mummies, and that the temperature in the desert in such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere? Also, the pyramids are a mountain chain between France and Spain.
(Writer: Dude, that's so stupid.)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: I don't make fun of your beliefs!
(Writer: Get on with the story!)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Right. So, they're almost there and Sam has been complaining the whole time.
Sam: It's hot. I'm thirsty. Are we there yet? My feet hurt. I'm hungry. I want to go home. How much longer? This camel is making me nervous. I think I'm getting dehydrated. When will we get there? I forgot what I'm doing with you people. You're getting on my nerves. Stop talking so much. Are we there yet?
Brad: Yep, we're here.
Bradi: It's about time. I was really getting tired of hearing Sam complain.
Bryan: Ok, look, we're going to set up camp here. We'll stay for two days, but that's it. Afterwards, we're gone. Understand?
Chris: Don't worry, I know the way back.
Bryan: Ok, now whatever you find keep it away from me, especially those that have curses on them.
Rem: What about the extremely valuable things?
Bryan: Those you can sell and give me the money.
Lyndsay: Bryan, you're so paranoid.
Jake: Well, let's get started.
(they get off the camels and set up the tents and the rest of the camp)
John: Is it time to go in the pyramid yet?
Chris: That it is.
Chelsea: Do you remember which pyramid it was we're supposed to go in?
Chris: Yeah, the one closest to here. The other two have been explored inside and out and nothing was ever found, no mummy or anything.
Rem: So, they were empty?
Chris: Yeah. It appears the tomb raiders took care of those thousands of year ago.
Brad: Mind if I accompany you? This seems like a mystery I don't want to miss out on.
Bryan: Are you crazy? You're not going to get cursed and spread it on me. You know those curses are as contagious as the flu.
Jake: Somebody's had too much water.
Bryan: Are you insinuating the combination of this intense heat and a large quantity of consumed water is the cause for my delusions?
Jake: I'm sorry, I saw your mouth move but all I heard was: "Blah, blah, blah, I'm a raving alcoholic."
Bryan: Ok, that's it!
(Bryan goes over to Jake, Jake and Bryan are about to fight but Chelsea breaks them up)
Chelsea: Stop it! Save your energy, Jake. And Bryan. don't drink all the liquor; you need to share.
Jake: I guess you're right.
Bryan: Yeah. Wait-
Chris: Shut up! We're going in now. Brad, Bradi, Bryan, Lyndsay, do you mind staying out here and keeping watch over the camp?
Brad: Hey, as long as I'm getting paid, it's fine with me.
Lyndsay: What are we supposed to do out here? It would be so boring-
(Lyndsay looks a Bryan)
Lyndsay: Never mind, I've got an idea.
John: Hurry, let's leave before we catch the live show.
(the seven explorers run into the pyramid, then all turn on their flashlights)
Jiru: So, where the room where you found all the weird stuff and that Roman key?
Chris: It's just a way down this passageway, then there should be a wall we can all go in to.
Sam: A wall? Have you been drinking from Bryan's canteen?
Chris: Seriously, I'll show you.
(they walk a ways, the come to a dead end)
Sam: See, it's a dead end. I knew this wouldn't work.
Chris: Would someone mind giving me a hand with this?
(Chris, Jake, John, and Rem push the wall and it moves inward revealing a strange room with treasures all over)
Rem: Look at all this stuff! And it's ours for the taking.
(they all look around at the things, nothing out-of-the-ordinary from an ancient Egyptian tomb)
Chelsea: Hey, guys, where's the mummy?
Chris: Uh, usually they're in a different room.
Chelsea: Well, where is it?
Chris: I don't know. I've never thought to look for it before.
Chelsea: Hmm.
(they look around some more; Jiru picks up an old dagger a dusts it off)
Jiru: Hey guys, take a look at this! It's an ancient Mesopotamian dagger.
(they come to her)
John: How can you tell it's Mesopotamian?
Jiru: See, these markings on the handle?
(Jiru shows them the markings)
Jiru: Those aren't Egyptian hieroglyphics, nor Roman, Greek, or Persian markings.
John: So, it has to be Mesopotamian?
Jiru: Look at the way the handle is curved. That's how the people of ancient Turkey used to make it. And once you look close enough the markings are distinctively Mesopotamian.
Rem: So what's it say? You're the team's ancient reader.
Jiru: Since when? Anyway, it says: "He who posses this weapon shall find riches that fill his land. But beware, for if it is to be used for evil, then you shall awake." I can't make out the rest of it. I wonder how it got here.
Chelsea: Um, where's Jake and Sam?
(they look around; Jake and Sam are nowhere to be seen)
Jiru: They're probably hiding in a corner trying to jump out and scare us. Let's finish looking at this stuff.
(they look around some more; Rem goes over to a corner and sees a sword lodged in the ground; he pulls it up with great struggle)
Rem: Check out this awesome sword.
(Jiru, Chris, Chelsea, and John go over to him and look at the sword)
Jiru: How did this get here?! This is a Assyrian sword!
(Jiru examines it)
Jiru: See, it says in Akkadian: "Sword." Very blunt.
Chelsea: What does all this mean?
Jiru: I don't know.
(Jiru looks around a bit more)
Jiru: But this just got a lot weirder.
(Jiru holds up what she found)
Jiru: A twelfth century Japanese samurai katana.
Rem: Are you serious?
Jiru: Why would I lie?
John: So we've got a Roman key, a Mesopotamian dagger, a Assyrian sword, and a Japanese katana. How did all of this get to Egypt?
Chris: But where's Jake and Sam?
Rem: *leaning on a wall* Don't know.
(the wall revolves revealing a passageway)
Rem: I think they might've gone this way.
Chelsea: So wait, we've only found four weird things among all these treasures? Are you sure there's nothing else of importance here?
John: Good idea. Chelsea and I will stay back here and finish looking at stuff. We may not be experts, but we can tell what's Egyptian and what's Mongolian.
Jiru: Good idea.
Chris: No, I think it's best if Jiru stays with John and Chelsea comes with us. She's fluent in over six million forms over communication, after all.
Jiru: Wait, I am not-
Chris: And I'm just a fluent. So let's go.
Jiru: Wait, I want to go in the scary passageway-
(Chris, Chelsea, and Rem leave)
Jiru: Just great, I'm stuck in here.
John: Come on, let's finish looking for clues.
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Let's rewind a bit. Jiru: Hey guys, take a look at this! It's an ancient Mesopotamian dagger.
Sam: I don't want to go over there.
(Sam leans on a wall; it revolves around; she grabs Jake and pulls him with her in the wall, then it revolves around like before without Jake or Sam)
Jake: Sam, let go of me.
Sam: Sorry. What happened?
Jake: Oooo, Sam broke the wall! You're going to get in trouble! You're going to get in trouble!
Sam: Shh! Nobody has to know!
Jake: I'm telling.
Sam: You're dead, squealer!
(Sam chases Jake down the passageway, then the floor gives way and they fall through it)
Sam: Look what you did now, retard! You broke the floor.
Jake: Yeah, but I'm going to tell everyone that you broke the floor and you'll get in trouble!
Sam: Shut up!
(Sam hits Jake)
Jake: Ow, what was that for?
Sam: Jake?
Jake: Yeah?
Sam: Did it ever occur to you that there's sand pouring down from the walls.
Jake: Yeah, why?
Sam: And that we're trapped in this small room that will soon be filled.
Jake: Uh-huh. Thought all about it. We're going to die.
Sam: Jake, you're a bit too optimistic for me right now. *screaming* HEEEEEEELLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!
Jake: Sam, be quiet before someone hears you!
Sam: I want someone to hear me.
Jake: No, I'm talking about the asps.
Sam: What asps?
Jake: *pointing* Those over there.
(the asps slither toward Sam and Jake over the pouring sand)
Sam: Ok, that's it, I'm out of here!
(Sam frantically climbs up the stonewall, then one stone falls off with Sam)
Sam: Ow!
(Sam climbs up again, and then falls with another stone near the same place)
Sam: This is really getting annoying.
(Sam climbs up again then she sees the hidden passageway from where the stones used to be)
Sam: Jake, come take a look at this!
Jake: What?
(Jake climbs up before the asps bite him)
Sam: A passageway. It seems our only way out; let's go!
(they crawl in the narrow passageway, then come in a large room)
Sam: What is this place?
Jake: This must be where they keep the mummy.
Sam: Why do you say that?
Jake: *pointing* That casket over there!
(Sam and Jake head over to the casket)
Sam: What does it say?
Jake: I don't know; I don't speak picture.
Sam: Jake, I know you can read that.
Jake: *sigh* It says: "Whoever releases me into the world shall be rewarded with many riches."
Sam: Are you serious? Let's do it!
(Sam opens up the casket to reveal a mummy)
Sam: AH! That thing's hideous! Now where are my riches?
Jake: Wait, no not riches, shall be cursed. My bad.
(Sam hits Jake)
Sam: You idiot! Now I'm cursed.
Jake: No, you just opened it up, you haven't 'released it into the world'. You should be perfectly safe.
Sam: Really?
Jake: I don't know. I'm Jake.
Sam: I know you're Jake.
Jake: I'm Jake.
Sam: Jake, look behind you! It's a bird!
(Jake turns and sees a big parrot)
Jake: Ah, hi there. I'm Jake.
Bird: Hi there.
Jake: That bird just talked! That's weird.
Bird: Hi there.
Jake: It did it again. Hi, I'm Jake.
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: This bird is a liar.
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: SHUT UP! You're not Jake!
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: I don't like this lying bird. I'm going to hurt it.
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: NO YOU'RE NOT!
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRD!
(the bird flies to a perch)
Sam: Jake, calm down.
Jake: I don't know what that bird told you, but he is not Jake.
Sam: Jake, how did a bird get in here?
Jake: He is not Jake. I better hurt him before he uses my credit card.
Sam: I don't think you need to worry about that.
Jake: Hey, check this out!
(Jake goes over to a wall and takes a small statue)
Sam: What is it?
Jake: It's an ancient Greek statue of Athena. Dated thousands of years ago. This is truly amazing.
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: NO YOU'RE NOT!
(Chris, Chelsea, and Rem come in the room)
Chris: Jake? Sam? Are you two in here?
Sam: Yeah, and so is this bird.
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: I'm gonna kill that bird.
Chelsea: How did a bid get in here?
Sam: We don't know.
Jake: I found an ancient small statue.
Chris: Ah, Athena. This must be thousands of year old.
Rem: That adds to our weird list. The Roman key, Mesopotamian dagger, Assyrian sword, Japanese katana, and a Greek statue.
Sam: Don't forget the bird.
Chelsea: That must be it! Each thing represents an ancient civilization. The bird must represent the Incas, Mayas, and Aztecs.
Jake: But that's only six things. Shouldn't there always be seven?
(they looks around)
Sam: Here's something!
(Sam goes over to the casket and pulls out some jewels)
Sam: Ancient Persian jewels. You can tell by the unique way they're cut; it's impossible to make duplicates.
Chris: So we got everything.
Chelsea: I say we go back to Jiru and John.
Jake: Agreed.
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: NO!
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Back to John and Jiru.
(John and Jiru are pilfering through the treasures) John: Jiru, it's not that bad staying back here.
Jiru: Yes it is. I don't get to do anything.
John: What have we ever prevented you from doing?
Jiru: You wouldn't let me go in that passageway.
John: Besides that.
Jiru: There was that time when I wanted to go to Japan and you guys said: "No, you can't go because we're cheap inconsiderate monsters."
John: Jiru, we were broke. We barely had enough money to buy food at the time.
Jiru: You could've gone without eating for a few days.
John: We were on our third mortgage! It was lucky Jake won the lottery.
Jiru: And you didn't use the money to take me to Japan.
John: You're right, we used to money to pay the mortgage and buy food and cars. Jake was generous enough to split it with us.
Jiru: And instead of going to Japan we come to the stupid deserts of Egypt.
John: Jiru, we can't go to Japan! Ok? Get that through your head. We came to Egypt on an important mission.
Jiru: *whining* But I want to go to Japan.
John: You've got that katana; shouldn't that be enough?
Jiru: No! I want the real Japan.
John: Well you can't have it. It belongs to an emperor.
Jiru: *frowning* You never let me have anything I want.
(John picks up an old scroll)
John: Check this out. I didn't know they used scrolls back then.
Jiru: It's Chinese. See these markings?
John: So what does it say?
Jiru: *holding out the scroll* Hmm. "He who unlocks the puzzle shall be rewarded beyond imagine. Find ten ancient civilizations and solve the puzzle that awaits you. Go and be rewarded."
John: Ten civilizations? What does that mean. There were a lot more than ten, weren't there?
Jiru: Let's see. Greek, Roman, Persian, Mesopotamian, Mongolian, Chinese, Japanese, Egyptian, and Assyrian.
John: Don't forget the Aztecs, Mayas, and Incas.
Jiru: Well, they're pretty much classified under the same thing. So that makes ten.
John: Maybe we're supposed to find something from each civilization.
(the others come in)
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: I HATE YOU!
Chris: We found a Greek statue, some Persian jewels, and some parrot. Jake, you're our bird expert, where's it from.
Jake: It's from the fiery underworld of Hades.
Chris: No, what country?
Jake: Oh, it's definitely Central America.
Jiru: That would be the Aztecs, Incas, and Mayas.
Rem: What do you mean?
Jiru: Oh, we found a Chinese scroll.
Chelsea: What's it say?
Sam: Who cares? I want some AC.
John: It said something about ten civilizations. I think we have eight here. We need something Egyptian and something Mongolian.
(they look around)
Rem: Here's something.
(Rem pulls up what looks like a weird battle-axe from beneath some other various treasures)
Rem: A Mongolian halberd.
Sam: Ok, but what are we going to find that's Egyptian? How can we tell what's supposed to be used; everything but those things are Egyptian.
Jake: I found something.
(Jake pulls something out of his pouch; everyone gasps with disgust)
Sam: Dude, that is so sick.
Chris: How did you find this?
Jake: What, this mummified hand? There was a mummy in the casket and I took off it's hand.
John: You mean you severed a mummy's hand with relative ease?
Jake: How else would you go about doing it?
Jiru: Ok, well, we've got everything.
Chris: The Roman key, the Persian jewels, the Assyrian sword, the Greek statue, the Mesopotamian dagger, the Japanese katana, the Mongolian halberd, the Chinese scroll, the. hand, and that bird.
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: NO YOU'RE NOT! I'm Jake.
Bird: No you're not.
Jake: Yes I am.
Bird: No you're not.
Jake: YES I AM!
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: STOP IT! YOU'RE NOT JAKE!
Bird: Yes I am.
Jake: Liar, liar, plants for hire.
Bird: It's pants on fire, you idiot.
Jake: You would know.
Jiru: *talking to the bird* Jake! Calm down. You have nothing to worry about from that bird. It will never replace you. Now, do you want some crackers?
(Jiru gives the bird some crackers)
Jiru: We should really give it a name.
Rem: How about Jake?
Everyone: Ok.
Jake: NO! I'm Jake!
Bird: No you're not. I'm Jake.
Jake: Why don't we name it Bird?
Everyone: Good idea.
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: No, Bird, you're Bird.
Bird: You're Bird.
Jake: You're Bird.
Bird: You're Bird.
Jake: YOU'RE BIRD!
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: *crying* Make him stop!
John: Look, let's just figure out what we're supposed to do next.
Sam: Why don't we check on our tents and get out of the creepy tomb?
Chelsea: I'm up with that idea.
(the seven explorers get out of the pyramid and into the desert, look around, and head toward the tents with Brad)
Brad: Took you guys long enough. What did you find?
Rem: Lots of stuff. Where's the others?
Brad: Well, Bryan and Lyndsay are in their tent. um. you know. Do Not Disturb.
(silence, then they get it)
Everyone: Ohh.
Chris: What about Bradi?
Brad: *pointing* She went in that direction to take a call from nature, if you know what I mean.
Jiru: How long ago?
Brad: Uh. about two hours, I think.
Chelsea: Two hours! We've got to go look for her.
Brad: First, tell me what all you found. And where did that bird come from?
Chris: There are now ten items in this puzzle. Each one represents an ancient civilization. The bird represents that of the Incas, Mayas, and Aztecs.
Brad: What are the other nine?
Chris: My key is Roman.
Sam: My jewels are Persian.
Jake: I have a mummified hand, obviously representing Egypt. Also, I found a small Greek statue.
Jiru: This awesome Japanese katana, a Chinese scroll, and a Mesopotamian dagger.
Rem: I found an Assyrian sword and a Mongolian halberd.
Chelsea: Jiru, give me the dagger.
Jiru: Sure.
(Jiru tosses Chelsea the dagger)
Jake: Rem, you can keep the halberd, but let me have the sword.
Rem: Fine. Two heavy weapons won't do me any good, anyway.
(Jake takes the sword)
Jake: Chris, hang on to this statue, will you?
(Jake tosses Chris the statue of Athena)
Brad: What about Chris, John, Sam, and me? Don't we get cool weapons, too?
John: We've got guns, remember?
Brad: Yeah, but I wanted one of those.
John: We've got guns.
Brad: I guess.
Chris: Let's go out and find Bradi now.
Brad: Someone has to get Lyndsay and Bryan. NOT IT!
Jake, Jiru, John, Rem, Chelsea, & Chris: NOT IT!
Sam: Not it!
Everyone: Sam's it!
Sam: I always have to be it.
(Sam walks over to Bryan and Lyndsay's tent, and goes in and screams, then runs out)
Sam: That was the absolute worse thing I've ever seen in my life.
(Bryan and Lyndsay run out of the tent with their clothes and hair ruffled)
Bryan: What's going on?
Lyndsay: Hey, you guys are back. What'd you get?
Rem: Do we really have to go through it again?
Chelsea: Look, we're starting a search party to find Bradi. We don't know what happened to her.
(something falls out of the sky, hits the pyramid, and the pyramid blows up into thousands of harmless piece)
John: What was that?!
Bryan: It was a curse! I told you not to go in there! I told you!
Lyndsay: Shut up.
Jake: It's a good thing it landed in that crater.
Jiru: Ok, guys, I just got a really bad feeling that someone knows about this puzzle, too, and they're after us.
Brad: Well, let's go see what it was.
(they walk over to the crater and in the middle is a stone tablet)
John: It's got something marked on it.
(they walk in the crater to the tablet; Jiru and Chris look at it)
Lyndsay: Well, what's it say?
Chris: I've never seen anything like this before. I have no idea.
Jiru: It's a clue. It says: "The first two is a man. The first three is a woman's. The first four is a great man. The whole thing is a great woman."
John: What's that supposed to mean?
Brad: Heroine.
Sam: Brad, you just got out of rehab. Have some self-control.
Brad: No, heroine. You know, a female hero? First two letters: he. First three: her. First four: hero. The whole thing: heroine.
Chris: But wait, what language was that?
Jiru: Ok, bye.
(Jiru starts to walk away)
Chris: Jiru, what language?
Jiru: *sigh* One I invented.
John: You invented a language?
Jiru: Yes. A long time ago. It's a mixture of Akkadin, hieroglyphics, Japanese, English, and Thai. I call it: Jiru language. I thought I was the only one who knew it.
Lyndsay: But what does heroine mean?
John: Wait, what about that statue of Athena? She was a mythological heroine.
Sam: Great, now you're going to suggest that if we go to Athens, Greece, we're figure this puzzle out and find Bradi. Right?
Rem: Good idea!
(car drives up)
Brad: Finally!
(Dixon gets out of the car with some pizzas)
Dixon: Ok, who ordered the pizza?
Brad: Over here! I got some for everyone.
Dixon: Well, don't you feel special? You know the price.
(Brad pays Dixon)
Dixon: Hey, how'd this crater get here?
Chelsea: Long story. Did you by any chance see Bradi while you were driving?
Dixon: I saw a dead rat. that's about the same thing, right?
Sam: You are like so mean.
Dixon: Well, my shifts done for the week, mind if I join you guys.
Bryan: Great. Just what we needed: An eleventh wheel.
Lyndsay: We could have a giant-
John: No!
Jiru: Listen, we need to get to Athens. Chris, can that jet of yours fit eleven people and a bird?
Chris: It could fit fifteen.
The Narrator With A Big Nose: So the eleven people get on the camel with their supplies and clue and head back to Cairo where Chris's jet is waiting. They go straight to Athens.
Dixon: Athens. So this is Greece?
Jake: Athens, Greece? I thought we were going to a different Athens.
Chelsea: Jake, please don't do anything stupid.
Sam: So, where are we supposed to go?
Chris: The Temple of Athena.
Lyndsay: How are we supposed to find that?
Jiru: Relax, I know where it is.
(they go to Athena's temple)
Brad: Now what?
Rem: I don't know.
(something else falls from the sky; they hurry over to it)
Dixon: What the heck was that?!
Jiru: Another tablet. This one is in a different language. It says: "Give up two and place the clue in the middle."
Brad: I don't understand.
John: I think it means we have to give up two people in our group and place the statue in the middle of the temple.
Dixon: But who do we give up? Not it!
Jake, John, Rem, Jiru, Chelsea, Sam, Chris, & Brad: Not it!
Bryan & Lyndsay: Not it!
Sam: Ha! I'm not it.
Bryan: Just great. It's the curse, I just know it's the curse.
Lyndsay: Oh shut up.
(Bryan and Lyndsay take the statue and put it in the middle of the temple while the others watch)
Bryan: Now what?
Lyndsay: How am I supposed to know?
(the ground starts to shake and the temple collapses)
Chelsea: Lyndsay!
(Chelsea jumps on the rubble and starts to try and uncover everything)
Jiru: Oh my. what's happened?
Brad: We've got to get them out of there!
(they start too uncover all the rubble; Bryan, Lyndsay, and the statue are all gone)
Rem: That is weird.
(John pulls something from beneath the rubble)
John: Look! It's another part of that Chinese scroll!
(they gather around while Jiru reads it)
Jiru: "The companions will be found if the mission is complete. Nameless Gem Gulf."
Sam: Gem Gulf? I haven't heard of that gulf.
Chris: It doesn't exist.
Rem: It must be another clue pun. What's the gem?
Sam: No! Not my jewels! They're mine!
Brad: Persian jewels? The Persian Gulf!
Chris: Looks like we're going to Iran.
The Narrator With A Big Nose: So they go to Iran.
Jiru: You know, I just thought of something.
Jake: It wasn't my fault! John talked me into it! Rem provided the explosives! Sam and Chelsea pressured me, I couldn't help it! I'm sorry Jiru, please forgive me.
Jiru: Jake, what did you do?
Jake: You don't know?
John: Shh! She doesn't need to know.
Rem: Yeah Jake, shut up.
Chelsea: We don't want Jiru mad at us.
Sam: Yeah, she's got powers.
Jiru: What did you do? And I don't have powers.
Sam: Yeah, tell that to the rabid octopi that bit you when you were a child thus turning you into Rabid Octopi Girl.
Dixon: Jiru is Rabid Octopi Girl?! You're my hero! Can I have your autograph?
Jiru: What are you talking about? I have no powers. And what did you do?
Chris: No time to talk. Right now we're in Iran and we've got to find out where to put those jewels.
Sam: No way, these are mine. I'm going to make earrings out of them.
Brad: Wait, Jiru, you were about to say something you thought of.
Jiru: Yeah. I mean, there were lots more civilizations than just the mere ten we've found in these clues.
Jake: That stupid bird represents three remember?
Jiru: Exactly. So more than likely, some of these things represent more than just the ones we thought of at the beginning. So that dagger may not just represent the Assyrians, but also the Babylonians, Sumerians, Semites, Hittites, Armenians, and more.
Jake: I did not know that there were that many civilizations.
Jiru: There were many.
Brad: So what's that got to do with the Persian jewels?
Rem: Yeah, Persia is now Iran. That's pretty straightforward.
Jiru: True, but we don't have a clue as to where to put the jewels.
Sam: You can put them in your-
Chelsea: Sam, language.
Sam: Oh, I don't speak Iranian.
Chelsea: Well, try a language you do speak.
Sam: You can put them in your-
Chelsea: Not English.
Sam: Kuso. I can't think of any.
Dixon: Haha, Sam doesn't speak any languages.
Sam: Voux!
(Sam hold up her hand; Chelsea covers it)
Sam: Feel lucky you can't see which finger I'm holding up.
Jiru: Enough! Where are we going to put the jewels?
Sam: You can put them in your-
Jake: Déjà vu.
John: It's a glitch in the system.
Brad: What about the Pars museum? It's been up since the Zand era. Go there, and be amazed at the wonders. *pointing* And it's right over there!
Rem: You were reading off a billboard again, weren't you?
Brad: Let's not get into details and just go.
(they get in a taxi labeled 'Unlicensed Taxi' and go to the Pars museum)
Dixon: Could you be any slower?
(the taxi driver turns around and pull out a gun, then says something in Iranian; Jiru replies, he says something, she says something, then he shoots himself and they get out)
Chelsea: What did you say?!
Dixon: She used her powers! I knew it!
Jiru: I did not. He just said he was going to kill us, and I'm asked him not to, and he said he would, and I told him to start with himself, then we'd let him kill us.
Sam: There are some really stupid people in the world.
Brad: I'll drive!
(Brad gets out of the unlicensed taxi and opens the door, throws the body out of the way, and gets in)
Brad: Ok, how do you start this thing?
Chris: Dude, the museum is right across the street.
Brad: It's too dangerous to cross the street.
Chris: There are chickens crossing the street.
Jake: Chris, I believe you mean road.
Chris: This is no time for jokes, Jake.
(they get out of the taxi)
Jake: Ok, well let's be careful when crossing-
(everyone crosses without caution, Jake runs to catch up)
Rem: There's the museum.
John: Is there an admission or anything?
Rem: Of course not. It's Iran; no one in this country would pay to come to a bore-fest like this.
(they go to the doors and walk in and see lots of artwork, each having a name)
Chelsea: We're looking for one without a name, right?
Dixon: You'd assume that's what the Nameless part in the clue meant.
(they look around, and go to almost every part of the museum)
Sam: It's useless.
John: Relax, we haven't even gone to the statues yet.
(they go in a sculpture room)
Brad: This place is disturbing.
Jiru: It is not! It's art!
Dixon: I've seen more artistic pizza. (they look around some more; John comes to a sculpture without a name) John: Hey, this one doesn't have a name! Sam, get over here with those jewels.
Sam: I don't want to give them up.
John: Look, I think they'd fit in the eyes of this person.
Sam: He is really ugly. The artists back then must've been cross- eyed.
Rem: Just put them in the eyes!
(Sam reaches up and puts them in the eyes; nothing happens)
Sam: It didn't work, you idiot.
Chelsea: Look, there's two holes on his foot, try there.
Sam: What kind of idiot would put holes in a foot?
(Sam puts them in, the sculpture shakes comes apart leaving another tablet)
Sam: Where'd the jewels go?
(she looks through the rocks; nothing there)
Jiru: This tablet says: "The annoyance in the temple."
Brad: Annoyance? It must mean Dixon.
Dixon: No way! It means one of the clues, bonehead.
Chris: But which one?
Bird: I'm Jake.
Jake: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!
(Jake tries to strangle Bird; Bird bits his finger)
Jake: STUPID BIRD!
Chelsea: Jake, is this type of bird closer to the Aztecs, Incas, or Mayas?
Jake: Aztec, why?
John: Then let's go to Central America and get rid of Bird.
Jake: Yea!
The Narrator With A Big Nose: So they go to an ancient Aztec temple and look for a place to get rid of Bird.
Rem: Jake, where would it go?
Jake: The Aztecs were people believing in suicide and human sacrifices to please their mythological gods. At the top of this temple is where human sacrifices were made. All we have to do is kill the bird on top of the temple.
Sam: No! We can't kill Bird, not after I just lost my best friends.
John: The. jewels?
Sam: Of course the jewels! I couldn't stand to lose someone else, even if it is a bird.
Bird: Sam's stupid.
Sam: Ok, we can kill him now.
(they drag Bird up to the top of the temple)
Jiru: Ok, who wants to do it?
Everyone: I do! I do!
Dixon: I want to kick him!
Brad: No way, me!
Jake: Hey, he used my credit card!
Sam: He called me stupid!
Everyone: I want to kill it!
Rem: Silence! We can all kill him.
Jake: Hmm. ok, but I get to kill him first. You guys can have the rest.
(Jake puts Bird on the sacrificing alter and holds up the dagger)
Jake: Die, stupid bird!
(Jake is about to stab Bird, then lightning strikes)
Voice: No! Don't do it.
Jake: Aw. but I really want to.
Voice: Do not kill the bird! He provides the next clue.
Chelsea: Who are you?
Voice: Mind your business! Now go, and be free!
(long, awkward silence)
Jake: Um. can I kill him now?
Bird: Lampshade!
Rem: Lampshade?
Dixon: I don't get it.
Chris: Maybe it's unorthodox.
Sam: Or maybe it's just stupid.
Brad: I think Sam's answer is more viable.
Jiru: Bird, can you please tell us our next clue?
(Bird bites Jiru)
Jiru: Ok, that's it you feathered lizard! You're going down! Jake, hand me the dagger.
Jake: But you said I could kill it.
Jiru: *mean voice* Hand me the dagger, now.
Jake: Yes ma'am.
(Jake hands her the dagger)
Jiru: Now you die!
(Jiru raises the dagger to stab Bird; Bird flies away and onto a tree branch)
Bird: Haha! Stupid humans! Couldn't even kill me, the Great Bird! You're clue is: "Shall be used in a sacrifice, but forbidden of evil." I hope you die, you traitorous cowar-
(a jaguar leaps out of the forest and eats Bird)
Sam: At least it's dead. What did the clue mean?
Chris: "Shall be used in a sacrifice, but forbidden of evil."
Jake: Jiru, it's the dagger! Read what it says.
(Jiru looks down at the dagger she was holding)
Jiru: Oh. I was going to sacrifice that bird with it. It says: "He who posses this weapon shall find riches that fill his land. But beware, for if it is to be used for evil, then you shall awake." and I can't make out anything else. You think this is it?
Jake: Duh. Of course.
John: How did you understand this? You don't even understand pi.
Jake: Yes I do. It's: 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419-
John: No, the food pie.
Jake: How do they get the juice inside the crust?!
Rem: With the magic juice maker.
Jake: I knew it!
Sam: Well, at least that bird is dead.
(Jake starts to cry)
Chelsea: Oh Jake, it's all right. It's just nature playing out. It was supposed to happen.
Jake: *sobbing* I wanted to kill it.
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Wait. didn't Jake like birds?
(Writer: Well, of course he likes birds. He just doesn't like liars.)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Isn't Jake commonly known as a liar?
(Writer: Hey, stick to your job. This isn't some cheesy soap opera here.)
(Sam walks in a dark and heavily furnished room with many doors; she turns on the lights and sees Dixon standing in the middle of the room)
Sam: Dixon! What are you doing here?
Dixon: Didn't you know I recently recovered from amnesia?! And I know you murdered Brad.
Brad: Actually, I'm quite fine. I'm right here. On the couch.
Sam: *shocked* I'm shocked! Why would I ever murder. my own son.
Brad: Wait, what's going on? Where are we?
(Rem walks in)
Rem: Ah, Dixon, it appears we meet again.
Dixon: She doesn't love you. She never did. She's only playing you to get your money and to get back at me.
Rem: But didn't you hear? I'm Brad's real father!
Brad: Ok. this is getting creepy.
(the door opens; Jake and Jiru walk in)
Jake: Ok, Sam, Rem, I know you're evil plot to take over the world's supply of forks and knives and replace them with Chinese chopsticks, thus creating mass confusion over Americans.
(Jiru hits Jake in the sit lightly)
Jiru: Jake, soap opera, not comedy.
Jake: Oh right. I know you two have been planning the murder of Chelsea and Dixon. You needed to get them out of your life! They were only in the way!
Sam: *gasp* How did you know about Chelsea?
Jiru: Haven't you heard? I'm her co joined twin sister!
Rem: You must be joking!
(Chelsea walks in from another door)
Chelsea: She's not joking. We were removed at birth, and she was given plastic surgery. But wait, there's more.
Dixon: More?
Chelsea: Yes, more. John is really Brad's father!
Brad: Hold up. don't I get a say in this?
(John and Chris walk in from another door)
John: I'm not Brad's real father. I'm his half-brother!
Everyone: Gasp!
Brad: I don't have a brother. And you guys are not my parents. And I'm still alive!
Chris: You forget one other thing: I am Lyndsay in Chris's body.
Everyone: Double gasp!
Jake: Lyndsay's. dead?
Chris: Yes. She was driving one night. the roads were slippery.
Sam: Oh. a car accident?
Chris: No, cancer.
Brad: Hold it! Chris, you are not Lyndsay. John, you're not my half- brother. Chelsea, you and Jiru are not co joined twins. Jiru, you never had plastic surgery. Jake, Sam and Rem aren't planning to kill anyone. Rem, you're not my father. Sam, you're not my mother. Dixon, you never had amnesia. AND I'M NOT DEAD!
(Writer: Oops. slipped into a soap opera.)
The Narrator With A Big Nose: Yeah, you don't want to go overboard with those plot twists, or something like this was bound to happen.
(the nine explorers are in Chris's plane; Jake and Chris are piloting and the others are in passenger seats; all of them can hear each other talk)
Brad: So where is this Mesopotamia place you keep talking about?
Jiru: It's below Assyria.
Brad: Oh. Where's that?
Dixon: It's in the Assyrian Ocean, duh.
Brad: Oh, of course, the lesser known of all the oceans.
Jake: Chris, there's a huge cloud up here. And we're going through the Bermuda Triangle.
Chris: You don't need to worry about the storm; just a bit of turbulence is all we'll feel. And you don't really believe in the Bermuda Triangle, do you?
Jake: Um. no.
Chelsea: *low* I do.
Jiru: Why are we going so close to Bermuda? We're supposed to be headed northeast and go past the Prime Meridian. Our angle should be must different from what we're doing now. Where are you taking us Chris?
Jake: Chris? Where are you going?
Chris: Um. I think I'll go swimming.
(Chris jumps out the door, pulls his parachute and lands in a boat waiting below and speeds off; the plane flies into the giant storm cloud)
Rem: Did he just jump?
Jake: Yep.
Rem: So you're the only person piloting us through a storm in the Bermuda Triangle?
Jake: Yep.
(screaming; John rushes up to take Chris's place)
John: Come on Jake; let's get out of here.
Jake: Follow my lead.
(John and Jake fly through the storm cloud, dodging lightning bolts; a bolt of lightning comes close to the lightning; the plane jerks and the passengers move around)
Dixon: Do you think you could get any more turbulence?
Jake: You got it.
(Jake turns the plane upside-down and back up)
Jake: How's that?
Chelsea: I think I'm going to lose my lunch.
(they fly the plane more and after about fifteen minutes finally get out of the cloud)
Chelsea: Where are we?
John: We're out of the storm.
Chelsea: But I mean where?
Jake: Right on target. That storm did nothing out-of-the-ordinary.
Jiru: See? The Bermuda triangle is just a stupid myth.
Chelsea: Yeah. I guess.
John: Check this out. Chris left us a note.
Rem: What's it say?
John: *reading it silently* Oh my...

to be continued...