Author's Note: I wrote this story at the urging of my friends to write something to enter a writing compitition. Unfortunately it was too late to enter, but I had fun writing this anyway. I hope you like it.

Disclaimer: All these characters are mine and out of my own head. It was only in copying the tale to html that I noticed my Fiona is reminiscent of the princess by the same name in Shrek. I guarentee you, I came up with this character totally seperate from the movie. If there are any similarities it is complete coincidence and I apologize. There, I said it, you may now read.

Fiona and the Knight

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess; but this story is not about her. This story is about a farm girl named Fiona. Fiona had red hair to match her fiery temper. She was stronger than the boys of her village and was not afraid to settle an argument with her fists.
Now, it just so happened that there was a witch living in the forest behind Fiona's village. The witch was near-sighted and a bit eccentric. She had once enchanted a feather to tickle endlessly, intending to terrorize the village with it. However, she forgot that tickling feathers are indiscriminate when it comes to their victims, and she was forced to destroy it before it tickled her to death.
One day the witch decided to kidnap a princess. All the legendary witches had kidnapped or cursed princesses, so why couldn't she? The witch, however, was sensitive about her looks and refused to wear her glasses in public. It is then understandable that, flying on her broomstick (riding sidesaddle like every respectable witch), she mistook Fiona's village for a castle and Fiona herself for a princess.
Fiona was more than slightly disgruntled when she found herself snatched up by a witch and deposited on a nearby cliff. With arms akimbo, Fiona demanded an explanation.
"I am a witch," the crone cackled, "and you are my prisoner, Princess!"
"Princess?" Fiona scoffed. "I'm no princess! What are you up to, Hag?"
"What? Not a princess? Impossible!" the witch sniffed indignantly.
"Right, next you'll say we're in your tower," Fiona said with a roll of her eyes.
"We are in my tower!" the witch snapped.
Fiona raised an eyebrow. "If this is your tower, I suggest you fix the roof."
Grumbling to herself, the witch searched her robe for a moment before producing a pair of glasses. Placing them on her nose, the witch looked about her with a frown.
"Every time," she muttered. "Why can't I seem to find that tower?" The witch turned to look at Fiona. "Hmm, well, you're definitely not a princess."
"Told you," Fiona pouted, crossing her arms.
"Well, no matter," the witch said, mounting her broom.
"Wait! You're just going to leave me here?" Fiona asked in disbelief.
"Oh, don't worry, a knight will be by soon to rescue you," the witch said dismissively.
"How do you know?"
"I'm a witch, that's how."
Fiona frowned skeptically. "From what I've seen, you're not a very good witch. How do you know?"
The witch glanced about her before answering reluctantly, "I read ahead."
And so the witch flew off, leaving Fiona on the cliff to wait for the knight to come and rescue her.

Roughly three hours later, a man in armor riding a white stallion came down the road directly under the cliff. His blonde hair fell past his shoulders and his blue eyes sparkled with arrogance. His name was Fredrick, and he was known throughout the land as the bravest and strongest knight. He was also the only knight.
Plodding along behind the stallion was Fredrick's squire, Patsy. Patsy was a stout young lad with short brown hair and brown eyes. Without Patsy, Fredrick would not be a knight. You see, Fredrick was a sissy who nearly fainted when he saw blood. He could never admit that - cowardice is below a man of his breeding - so he instead had his squire, Patsy, do the knightly things that would most likely cause personal injury, and he took the credit for Patsy's heroic deeds. "Why does Patsy go along with it," you ask? Well, it all started when -
"Excuse me, I've been waiting to be rescued for three hours, could we please skip the side story?" Fiona glared at the author, foot tapping impatiently.
So sorry, Fiona. Where were we? Ah yes, Fredrick. As he rode under the cliff, he heard someone calling to him. Looking up, he saw a girl standing on the cliff, calling for help.
"Patsy! Look! A damsel in distress!" Fredrick cried happily.
"Whoopee," Patsy grumbled.
"Only a princess would be stranded in a high, inaccessible place," Fredrick rambled on. "And after you, I mean, I, rescue her, perhaps she will fall in love with me and we shall get married! Quick, Patsy! Scale the cliff and bring her down."
Taking a deep breath, Patsy began to climb the sheer mountainside, muttering all the while. When he finally pulled himself onto the cliff, he was met with a very strange sight. A red-haired farm girl stood watching him with a dubious frown.
"You don't look like a knight," she said accusingly.
"That's because I'm not a knight," Patsy sighed. He had said that so many times he had lost count. "You don't look like a princess."
"Apparently if you're flying on a broomstick and not wearing your glasses I do," she replied. "What's your name?"
Before he could answer, a voice called up from below, "Patsy! Patsy, what is taking so long? I haven't got all day!"
Fiona bit back a laugh. "Your name is Patsy?"
"Patrick," he said firmly.
"Well, Patrick, may we get off this ledge now?" Fiona laughed.
"Of course," he said quickly. "Get on my back and I'll carry you down."
Fiona frowned. "Is there any other way? I prefer to do things myself."
"Well, if you can climb down in that dress..."
"Point taken."
Fredrick watched impatiently as Patsy carried the girl down. Fredrick passed the time daydreaming about the wedding. Certainly she would fall in love with him, he did rescue her after all. And with his looks... well, the poor girl didn't stand a chance.
At last they reached the ground, and Fredrick dismounted and walked over to the girl, grasping her hands in his own.
"Thank heaven I saved you!" he cried.
"What do you mean? Patrick save me," she said, confused.
"Patrick?" Fredrick frowned and looked at her closely. "Wait, you're not a princess!"
"No, I'm Fiona," she said haughtily.
"Ugh! A commoner, how repulsive!" Fredrick dropped her hands and wiped his own on Patrick's coat. "Really, Patsy, use some judgment, will you? I mean, just look at her. I fear I shall be sick."
"Oh, and I suppose I should have left her up there," Patrick replied sarcastically.
"Why, of course," Fredrick said, shocked at Patsy's ignorance.
"That does it," Fiona growled, rolling up her sleeves.
"Wait, what are you doing? No, no, ah!"
Patrick watched with surprise as Fiona gave Fredrick a royal thrashing. Dusting off her hands with satisfaction, Fiona turned towards Patrick.
"You really should have done that for yourself years ago," she said matter-of-factly.
Patrick stared at her with eyes as big as saucepans. "Will you marry me?" he begged.
Fiona thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Why not?"
And so Patrick and Fiona were married and they were quite happy. Patrick became a knight, and he and his wife would wander the land slaying dragons, saving damsels in distress, and things of that nature.
As for Fredrick, he decided that violence was bad for his health and joined a monastery. There he lived quite happily to the end of his days.
Ad finem.


Well, there you have it. I had wanted to end the story with ad... ad... I don't remember what it was, but it meant 'I am present' in Latin. I feared the humor of that would be lost upon the judges, so I changed it to ad finem - the end. And now that I have told you useless information you wasted ten seconds of your life reading, please review. And here's a cookie for your trouble. *passes out warm chocolate chip cookies* Thank you!