She sat next to me, my so called 'best friend'. If only she knew, she
wouldn't be my best friend for much longer. I watch her when she thinks I'm
not, when her mind's occupied with other thoughts, thoughts that do not
include me. I watch as she absently tucks her blonde hair behind her ear,
the end of her pencil resting comfortably between her lavish red lips. If
only she knew.
I toy with the idea of telling her how I feel, but I know in my heart I never will. Even if she wasn't disgusted, me the person who she confided everything into. Her crushes, her hopes, her dreams what would she say if I told her that she was my crush, my hope, my dream? I'll see her tonight. She has a date later and I'll be at her house, helping her look perfect and resisting the urge to tell her she looks perfect without having to make an effort.
As we leave school I feel her touch my arm and confirm tonight, I nod gently, my skin burning from her touch, no way can I speak while she's smiling at me like that. Excited over her date, she pulls me into a hug and I can smell her scent. Intoxicating. I linger in her embrace longer than I have to, feeling dizzy from the closeness. Nobody bats an eyelid. Nobody even assumes what I'm feeling we've been best friends for so long.
Our parents shrug off sleepovers. We wouldn't do anything. We're friends. I'm pretty sure if they knew my feelings they wouldn't let me anywhere near their daughter. I know that she herself would blink and I can picture the expression on her face. She would be hurt, she would think I betrayed her, she wouldn't tell me this straight away, she'd look at me, confused and tell me I was confusing feelings of friendship.
But how is it juts friendship when I look in her eyes and feel complete. How is it friendship when her smile lights up my world, cheesy I know but it's the truth. When I hear her voice my spirits sore and I can't believe my soul mate, my true love is within my grasp and yet so far.
XXx
Years have passed and I feel the same. She came to me yesterday, overjoyed, she was engaged to be married to the man she loved more than anything. Today we are looking for a wedding dress, not the final decision but she was so excited I couldn't say no.
I wait for her now as she tries yet another on. This one is creamy silk, the top is a corset and the bottom flows out like only expensive silk can. The top is embroidered with hearts and flowers, they shine like diamonds. I don't see how this dress is different from it's twenty predecessors, it was pretty yes. But next to her it was a rag.
I'm waiting for the curtain to pull back, so I can see the dress, to act happy and supportive over the clothing, I am going to lose the woman I love, wearing. Weddings are filled with happiness and with love, and she supportively tells me to fetch a date. While she says this there is something missing in her eyes, and I know it's disappointment that our friendship will change, but I hope it's more. I make up excuses that it's a darkness only my love can fill. To an extent that's true. But I want to fill her in so many more ways. I want her in turn, to fill me.
I hear a scrape and I look up. The curtain pulls back and she's stood there looking at me. My breath catches in my throat and I know that this is the dress. She radiates beauty, the dress brings out the light tan of her skin and the natural blonde in her hair. She looks elegant, with a mix of something else. I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye discretely as I realise what that is. She's happy.
xXx
As I watch her exchange vows with the man she loves I cannot stop tears rolling from my eyes. I hide it well, I was never the sort to cry, what would people think. Her bridesmaids look beautiful and I wonder why I can't love one of them. Surly I would be happier than being in love with a woman who will never reciprocate.
The reception is close and I will have to give my speech, I've thought long and hard about it. I didn't want to, I was afraid I would get too emotional, that I would cry, but how can one resist the request of one's best friend? So I prepared it, meticulously re-read it to ensure it showed no hints to how I really felt. I sat on the family table, to her I was family. She kept smiling at me and I know inside she's worried that I will never find anybody.
The time moves slowly, I watch her eat, I watch her sneak glances at her husband, the same glances I used to sneak at her all those years ago in class. Her shy blue eyes anxious with all the attention she is receiving. Looking at me for reassurance. I regret that I cannot meet her eyes. The pain is too fresh. A passing thought is to take her aside and tell her how I feel, before it's too late and she moves to New York to live with her husband. I'll be left alone in this small Alabama town. Missing her as she raises her children.
I dismiss the thought, at least this way I have a chance to visit. If I told her I might as well die. You cannot tell and newly-married woman you love her. You cannot fall in love with your best friend. I have broken more un-written rules than I care to acknowledge. Some written ones too.
Maybe when she is gone I can start my own family. Have my own kids running around. A white picket fence. The whole nine yards, whatever that means. I could come home to a loving family, a warm home and a burning fire. Of course this is Alabama and we don't need fires. This dream is about as likely as me coming home to anybody and not thinking of her.
I feel her kick me under the table and I know it's time. I cough and stand. Smiling at a brunette bridesmaid who gives me the eye. I cough once and smile my charming smile. I start;
" I've known Krystal my whole life,
I remember the times we used to sit in her room and she would talk about this day, she wished it would be magical. It has been. She deserves it, if I didn't know Kevin very well I'd refuse to let her go, knowing that nobody could treat this woman how she deserves to be treated. But you came along and I cannot deny that you two are very much in love. You're everything Krystal wanted in a man. I know you'll make her happy. And she'll make you twice as happy in return."
I smile at my best friend. She's beaming and her husband takes her hand. I raise my glass and say proudly,
"To Krystal and Kevin"
The room cheers, I smile. I've done my part. I've played best friend. I sit down and play with my food. Wishing the time would pass quicker, feeling every second tick by.
The night is finally almost over, I see her smiling from a chair in the corner. Watching the party, but the smile doesn't reach her eyes. I walk over to her casually. She smiles, still not as genuine as it should be.
"What's wrong?" I ask smoothly, trying to keep my voice level.
"I'll miss you so much," she says and a tear escapes her soft eye. With fast reflexes I pull her face upwards and wipe away her tear. Her eyes are now wide and staring into mine.
I smile.
She smiles.
"You'll manage. Kevin will be there to wipe your tears." I pointed out, she nodded gently and her eyes moved from mine.
"You're right" she said, her voice a whisper, "but-",
She never did finish that sentence as then her new husband walked over and asked her to dance. Regretfully she walked away. I didn't have a conversation again with her until the day she was leaving. She promised to keep in touch. Promised to call me. I promised to come visit. To try my best to meet somebody.
She lied.
But that's okay, so did I.
xXx
Years passed. A day turned into a week, then a month, then a year. That one year turned into thirty-five. My love for her hadn't curbed at all. I still loved her with my waking breath. I could picture her perfectly in my mind, long after I forgot my own. My skin was now worn, my hair greying as I reached fifty-eight.
I never married. Never found anybody. I retreated into myself and had very few friends. They tell you love can change your life, that it can be magical. They don't say it can ruin a person, or that it can be the worst thing that ever happened to somebody.
Even as I think this I know that if I could turn back time and never have met her I wouldn't. At least I will die knowing love. Even if I never felt it back. Even today, as I drive the long stretch to New York City, tears blurring my vision so I can barely see the traffic.
It's been thirty-five years since I last made contact with my friend. I can still feel the tear on my finger. I can still imagine the pencil sitting gently on her lips. They called me out of respect. Through tear-filled sobs her seventy year old mother told me to come.
It's a terrible thing to bury a child.
But it's worse to bury a true love.
Even though I never had her the pain that ripped through me as I was told caused my knees to buckle. I sobbed for a day before I got in my car and started to drive. I'm wearing a black suit, plain, simple, everything she wasn't.
As I arrive I see Kevin, the man who took her away, holding onto the hand of a twelve year old child. He looks at me. I see a fresh well of tears fill his eyes. The child is sobbing un-controllably.
I walked into the church and looked down into the casket. Her skin was colourless. Pale and almost transparent. The result of fighting with cancer for ten years I was later told. As I looked down I could almost imagine her eyes open. Her hair cascading over her face, that despite it's condition still looked beautiful.
"She was truly an angel."
I don't know where that came from until I felt a hand on my back. Kevin stood next to me, looking at his wife. He looked into my eyes, and lifted something out of his pocket. It was an envelope,
"This is yours." He said, his voice only cracking slightly. He handed the envelope to me and then walked away. I looked at the closed envelope which had my name written across it. There was nobody around, I slipped my finger under the seal and pulled. Inside was a page, beautiful handwriting on it that I immediately recognised as hers. I started to read,
To my dearest friend,
I am writing this because I know I haven't long to live. They tell me they can fight it, but I feel in my heart I am not able to. Maybe if I had confessed to you my feelings the outcome would be different. I am sure if I had you by my side I would have wanted to fight. They say it is cancer, but I fear that it is of a broken heart.
I have been in love with you for the longest time, I hope that is not too much of a shock. This will sound silly but remember that day, so long ago, my wedding day, when you brushed my tear away. I knew then. I had always known but then it was clear. I should have told you but I couldn't ruin your life with my problems. That is why I didn't contact you, I wanted too, if you go through my things in my home you will find a whole box of letters that I wrote to you. Never having intended on sending a single one.
If I could change one thing in my life, I wouldn't have wished for anything different. I am glad for how I knew you and I know that even though you don't feel the same, you loved me as a great friend. I feel I underestimated you and as I lie here, in my hospital bed I visualise ways in which you would have reacted had I told you this earlier.
I will go now, I feel that death is near for me. Know that I died happily thinking of you. I am watching you now I am sure, and I will always be with you. In your mind and I hope your heart, if not as a lover than as a friend.
I hope you are not disgusted with me. I will rest better knowing you know this.
I love you with all my heart.
Love Krystal.
I wiped the tears from my eyes once again. This was the worst thing I could imagine. This pain was worse than before and for once I wish I could change my life. I would go back and pull those voluptuous red lips to mine and show her how I loved her. Now her lips are pale, drawn and sagging.
I feel a presence behind me and I turn to look at Kevin with the twelve year old,
"This is Malcolm," he smiled at me, "and this Mal, is your Auntie Rebecca. She knew mommy."
"Hello." Malcolm offered shyly, his eyes red from crying. I could see so much of his mother in him my heart skipped a beat. I looked to the roof and I smiled to myself, knowing now, that Krystal would be watching.
I toy with the idea of telling her how I feel, but I know in my heart I never will. Even if she wasn't disgusted, me the person who she confided everything into. Her crushes, her hopes, her dreams what would she say if I told her that she was my crush, my hope, my dream? I'll see her tonight. She has a date later and I'll be at her house, helping her look perfect and resisting the urge to tell her she looks perfect without having to make an effort.
As we leave school I feel her touch my arm and confirm tonight, I nod gently, my skin burning from her touch, no way can I speak while she's smiling at me like that. Excited over her date, she pulls me into a hug and I can smell her scent. Intoxicating. I linger in her embrace longer than I have to, feeling dizzy from the closeness. Nobody bats an eyelid. Nobody even assumes what I'm feeling we've been best friends for so long.
Our parents shrug off sleepovers. We wouldn't do anything. We're friends. I'm pretty sure if they knew my feelings they wouldn't let me anywhere near their daughter. I know that she herself would blink and I can picture the expression on her face. She would be hurt, she would think I betrayed her, she wouldn't tell me this straight away, she'd look at me, confused and tell me I was confusing feelings of friendship.
But how is it juts friendship when I look in her eyes and feel complete. How is it friendship when her smile lights up my world, cheesy I know but it's the truth. When I hear her voice my spirits sore and I can't believe my soul mate, my true love is within my grasp and yet so far.
XXx
Years have passed and I feel the same. She came to me yesterday, overjoyed, she was engaged to be married to the man she loved more than anything. Today we are looking for a wedding dress, not the final decision but she was so excited I couldn't say no.
I wait for her now as she tries yet another on. This one is creamy silk, the top is a corset and the bottom flows out like only expensive silk can. The top is embroidered with hearts and flowers, they shine like diamonds. I don't see how this dress is different from it's twenty predecessors, it was pretty yes. But next to her it was a rag.
I'm waiting for the curtain to pull back, so I can see the dress, to act happy and supportive over the clothing, I am going to lose the woman I love, wearing. Weddings are filled with happiness and with love, and she supportively tells me to fetch a date. While she says this there is something missing in her eyes, and I know it's disappointment that our friendship will change, but I hope it's more. I make up excuses that it's a darkness only my love can fill. To an extent that's true. But I want to fill her in so many more ways. I want her in turn, to fill me.
I hear a scrape and I look up. The curtain pulls back and she's stood there looking at me. My breath catches in my throat and I know that this is the dress. She radiates beauty, the dress brings out the light tan of her skin and the natural blonde in her hair. She looks elegant, with a mix of something else. I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye discretely as I realise what that is. She's happy.
xXx
As I watch her exchange vows with the man she loves I cannot stop tears rolling from my eyes. I hide it well, I was never the sort to cry, what would people think. Her bridesmaids look beautiful and I wonder why I can't love one of them. Surly I would be happier than being in love with a woman who will never reciprocate.
The reception is close and I will have to give my speech, I've thought long and hard about it. I didn't want to, I was afraid I would get too emotional, that I would cry, but how can one resist the request of one's best friend? So I prepared it, meticulously re-read it to ensure it showed no hints to how I really felt. I sat on the family table, to her I was family. She kept smiling at me and I know inside she's worried that I will never find anybody.
The time moves slowly, I watch her eat, I watch her sneak glances at her husband, the same glances I used to sneak at her all those years ago in class. Her shy blue eyes anxious with all the attention she is receiving. Looking at me for reassurance. I regret that I cannot meet her eyes. The pain is too fresh. A passing thought is to take her aside and tell her how I feel, before it's too late and she moves to New York to live with her husband. I'll be left alone in this small Alabama town. Missing her as she raises her children.
I dismiss the thought, at least this way I have a chance to visit. If I told her I might as well die. You cannot tell and newly-married woman you love her. You cannot fall in love with your best friend. I have broken more un-written rules than I care to acknowledge. Some written ones too.
Maybe when she is gone I can start my own family. Have my own kids running around. A white picket fence. The whole nine yards, whatever that means. I could come home to a loving family, a warm home and a burning fire. Of course this is Alabama and we don't need fires. This dream is about as likely as me coming home to anybody and not thinking of her.
I feel her kick me under the table and I know it's time. I cough and stand. Smiling at a brunette bridesmaid who gives me the eye. I cough once and smile my charming smile. I start;
" I've known Krystal my whole life,
I remember the times we used to sit in her room and she would talk about this day, she wished it would be magical. It has been. She deserves it, if I didn't know Kevin very well I'd refuse to let her go, knowing that nobody could treat this woman how she deserves to be treated. But you came along and I cannot deny that you two are very much in love. You're everything Krystal wanted in a man. I know you'll make her happy. And she'll make you twice as happy in return."
I smile at my best friend. She's beaming and her husband takes her hand. I raise my glass and say proudly,
"To Krystal and Kevin"
The room cheers, I smile. I've done my part. I've played best friend. I sit down and play with my food. Wishing the time would pass quicker, feeling every second tick by.
The night is finally almost over, I see her smiling from a chair in the corner. Watching the party, but the smile doesn't reach her eyes. I walk over to her casually. She smiles, still not as genuine as it should be.
"What's wrong?" I ask smoothly, trying to keep my voice level.
"I'll miss you so much," she says and a tear escapes her soft eye. With fast reflexes I pull her face upwards and wipe away her tear. Her eyes are now wide and staring into mine.
I smile.
She smiles.
"You'll manage. Kevin will be there to wipe your tears." I pointed out, she nodded gently and her eyes moved from mine.
"You're right" she said, her voice a whisper, "but-",
She never did finish that sentence as then her new husband walked over and asked her to dance. Regretfully she walked away. I didn't have a conversation again with her until the day she was leaving. She promised to keep in touch. Promised to call me. I promised to come visit. To try my best to meet somebody.
She lied.
But that's okay, so did I.
xXx
Years passed. A day turned into a week, then a month, then a year. That one year turned into thirty-five. My love for her hadn't curbed at all. I still loved her with my waking breath. I could picture her perfectly in my mind, long after I forgot my own. My skin was now worn, my hair greying as I reached fifty-eight.
I never married. Never found anybody. I retreated into myself and had very few friends. They tell you love can change your life, that it can be magical. They don't say it can ruin a person, or that it can be the worst thing that ever happened to somebody.
Even as I think this I know that if I could turn back time and never have met her I wouldn't. At least I will die knowing love. Even if I never felt it back. Even today, as I drive the long stretch to New York City, tears blurring my vision so I can barely see the traffic.
It's been thirty-five years since I last made contact with my friend. I can still feel the tear on my finger. I can still imagine the pencil sitting gently on her lips. They called me out of respect. Through tear-filled sobs her seventy year old mother told me to come.
It's a terrible thing to bury a child.
But it's worse to bury a true love.
Even though I never had her the pain that ripped through me as I was told caused my knees to buckle. I sobbed for a day before I got in my car and started to drive. I'm wearing a black suit, plain, simple, everything she wasn't.
As I arrive I see Kevin, the man who took her away, holding onto the hand of a twelve year old child. He looks at me. I see a fresh well of tears fill his eyes. The child is sobbing un-controllably.
I walked into the church and looked down into the casket. Her skin was colourless. Pale and almost transparent. The result of fighting with cancer for ten years I was later told. As I looked down I could almost imagine her eyes open. Her hair cascading over her face, that despite it's condition still looked beautiful.
"She was truly an angel."
I don't know where that came from until I felt a hand on my back. Kevin stood next to me, looking at his wife. He looked into my eyes, and lifted something out of his pocket. It was an envelope,
"This is yours." He said, his voice only cracking slightly. He handed the envelope to me and then walked away. I looked at the closed envelope which had my name written across it. There was nobody around, I slipped my finger under the seal and pulled. Inside was a page, beautiful handwriting on it that I immediately recognised as hers. I started to read,
To my dearest friend,
I am writing this because I know I haven't long to live. They tell me they can fight it, but I feel in my heart I am not able to. Maybe if I had confessed to you my feelings the outcome would be different. I am sure if I had you by my side I would have wanted to fight. They say it is cancer, but I fear that it is of a broken heart.
I have been in love with you for the longest time, I hope that is not too much of a shock. This will sound silly but remember that day, so long ago, my wedding day, when you brushed my tear away. I knew then. I had always known but then it was clear. I should have told you but I couldn't ruin your life with my problems. That is why I didn't contact you, I wanted too, if you go through my things in my home you will find a whole box of letters that I wrote to you. Never having intended on sending a single one.
If I could change one thing in my life, I wouldn't have wished for anything different. I am glad for how I knew you and I know that even though you don't feel the same, you loved me as a great friend. I feel I underestimated you and as I lie here, in my hospital bed I visualise ways in which you would have reacted had I told you this earlier.
I will go now, I feel that death is near for me. Know that I died happily thinking of you. I am watching you now I am sure, and I will always be with you. In your mind and I hope your heart, if not as a lover than as a friend.
I hope you are not disgusted with me. I will rest better knowing you know this.
I love you with all my heart.
Love Krystal.
I wiped the tears from my eyes once again. This was the worst thing I could imagine. This pain was worse than before and for once I wish I could change my life. I would go back and pull those voluptuous red lips to mine and show her how I loved her. Now her lips are pale, drawn and sagging.
I feel a presence behind me and I turn to look at Kevin with the twelve year old,
"This is Malcolm," he smiled at me, "and this Mal, is your Auntie Rebecca. She knew mommy."
"Hello." Malcolm offered shyly, his eyes red from crying. I could see so much of his mother in him my heart skipped a beat. I looked to the roof and I smiled to myself, knowing now, that Krystal would be watching.