Malice and Vomit

In the beginning, there was God. And he said........hold it.....this has been done before...need something more original....


A long time ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away......dammit....that ones taken too.....


I know....

A week ago last Tuesday in a Galaxy next door but one to my Aunt Hilda's, (666 Gladstone Road), someone very Evil was playing with his chemistry set.

This wasn't just any average someone Evil of course, otherwise I wouldn't even mention it. This was the World famous inventor Malice. He wasn't always evil of course. He just started getting very frustrated at an early age when his experiments didn't work. Then he started trying easier experiments.

Unfortunately, anyone who knows anything about chemistry and experiments knows that the easier an experiment is the more likely it is to be the kind of experiment that people shouldn't be doing.

Lets face it, people have been trying to turn lead into gold for thousands of years, in thousands of Galaxy's. Yet no-one's managed it yet. Now that's the kind of thing that if someone could work out how to do it could be beneficial to everyone. But its never going to happen.


Because its too difficult to get the formula in the first place....let alone get it right every time.

Anyway, back to easy experiments.

The reason they're so easy is so that they can enslave people. Now I'm sounding paranoid right? I mean, why would a simple scientific experiment want to enslave anyone? What purpose could it possibly serve?

This is where it gets you'd better put on your thinking caps, grab hold of you coffee, and hold tight. Or alternatively you can realise that everything you've read in the last 10 minutes is total rubbish and close whatever this is your reading and run for your life before your head becomes polluted from all this trash and drops off!!!


Have you any idea how difficult it is to write a sentence that long???

Anyway, for those people who are still here, I'll explain why simple experiments want to enslave people.

Its because the very nature and essence of the simple experiment is evil.

Every child knows how simple it is to pull a wing off a fly, and watch it struggle to fly around in circles. This is an experiment that we've all tried. Well, all the boys anyway. And most of the Lesbians too I expect.

It is however, not a very NICE experiment.

Now most of us try this experiment a few times and get fed up of it. But Malice didn't. He was intrigued by how easy it was. He took to trying different things with flies.

Like freezing them to make them go to sleep, whilst he played about with a match until he had something resembling a model airplane. Then he took the flies out of the fridge and super-glued them to the model airplane. Then he warmed them up a little until they woke up, and watched in delight as they all tried to fly off in different directions.

This, my friends, is how simple experiments can ensnare the week minded and make them Evil. Slowly but surely, Malice tried more and more things, and found that the more the animals he was experimenting with suffered, the more fun he had doing the experimenting.

After a while he was totally corrupted. He decided that he wanted to take over the house he lived in, then his street, then his town, then his country, then the world, then the universe, then the universe next door, and just keep on going until he found that nasty Darth Vader bloke that he'd seen on the TV so he could ask where he got the cool face mask from.

Even this plan, although seeming a little strange, showed that Malice had intelligence. Lets face it, no-one's going to let you take over the world if your mum still insists your in bed by 7-30. So he had to take over his own home first. Of course the problem with that is he might get visitors in the middle of an experiment, which could ruin everything, so he had to then take over the whole street. And so on, and so on...

He knew that he couldn't do it all at once, and probably not all alone. So he set about forming The Plan. A carefully worked out time-scale of what he wanted to do, how he planned to do it, and how long it would take to reach each of his individual goals. Starting with getting himself a partner.

He went to the library and got out all the books he could find on Evil people and their partners in crime. He also got out all the books on spells and witches that he could find. Eventually, in an old, tattered book, on the very back shelf of the library, he found a piece of used chewing gum. And next to this book was a newer book. One that he was sure hadn't been here yesterday. He sat and looked at this new book on the shelf as he thoughtfully chewed his recently acquired gum. Where had it come from? How come he didn't remember ever seeing it before? Why did it appear to be looking at him like that? Was he going mad?

Actually, no, he wasn't going mad. The chewing gum really was starting to taste better now he'd been chewing it for a couple of minutes. He'd finally got rid of the staleness and stiffness. Although the flavour was still pretty weak. Mind you, now you come to mention it, that was coming back too.

The book though. That was strange. He was sure he'd have noticed it before if it had been there. Lets face it, a book entitled "How to make an Evil companion on a simple home chemistry set" was the kind of thing he really would have found by now if it had been around. Interesting....

He took the book and looked inside, a little afraid of what he might find in there. Fortunately, all he found was a load of words and pictures. and chemical symbols explaining what he needed and how to go about making himself an Evil companion. So he put the book under his jacket and ran out of the library before the security guard could catch him.

Well, you didn't think Evil people would use a library card to check books out like the rest of us did you? Dont be silly. They steal them, just like they steal everything else.

He got the book home and read it through carefully. Whilst he was reading he ordered himself his favourite pizza, egg mayonnaise and sausage with extra garlic sauce and mushrooms.

Malice ate the pizza as he set up the experiment. He mixed all the different chemicals together, and started to boil them at the temperature the book said he should. The smell produced by the burning chemicals was disgusting. It reminded him of the time he'd hidden all the eggs that his mother had purchased for a whole 2 month period in the loft, during summer.

And when he was sure they were nice and rotten he'd put them in a huge sack and taken them into school and handed them to the lady that made the dinners as a present. He could still remember the smell that emitted from that sack when she turned away from him and he screamed at her as she was just standing on the stool to reach the top shelf of the fridge.

She dropped the sack and the school had to be evacuated. As did the surrounding area because of the poisonous fumes. For 3 days.

This experiment smelled a lot like that, only worse. A lot worse. Malice was starting to regret the egg mayonnaise pizza. He leaned over the experiment to turn it off. Only the stench there was even worse and it got the better of his stomach.

He puked.

Then he puked some more.

Then there was a big, smelly explosion, and he puked some more.

When his stomach had finally settled, and the smoke had cleared, he could see two things quite clearly.

Number 1: He was going to need a new chemistry set.


Number 2: A 3 foot tall, bright green thing, with bits of carrot in it. Walking towards him. Actually, a more appropriate description would be slithering towards him. Slowly.

Fortunately, Malice was not given to panicking very easily, or he probably would have been devoured by the green slime thingy (with bits of carrot in it) there and then. Even so, it was still probing the big toe on his left foot before he remembered the whole purpose of the experiment he had so recently been conducting. He also, in the nick of time, (for his big toe anyway), remembered the command words that the book had told him to utter upon the appearance of his new Evil partner in crime.

"Ooops, I did it again!" said Malice.

The green slimy thingy (with bits of carrot in it), stopped what it was doing immediately and looked at Malice. With what could only be described as two of the larger bits of carrot. Or what appeared to be carrot.

Malice got down to some very fast rational thinking. This was one of his better talents. Most of us aren't very good at fast rational thinking. This is because the whole idea of rational thinking is that we take our time with it and think things through clearly. If you try to do that quickly, all that happens is your brain gets confused and overloads.

This is something that is clearly indicated every time Richard Madeley tries to ask someone a question.

Malice, however, could think rationally at speed. So he did. And he thought of how he was trying to create an Evil partner in crime, and how he leaned over the experiment, and how he puked over the experiment, and how puke always seems to have carrots in it, even if you haven't eaten a carrot in your whole life. Ever. Not even once.

And then he came to a conclusion.

He had succeeded in his attempt to make himself an Evil partner in crime. Out of vomit.

This was going to take some thinking about. And it might smell pretty bad after a few days too.