Chapter Nine

Author's note: The EOA story has been running on dry recently, what with Miller and Tailos being the only sole remaining members of this once proud organisation. Our site was attacked and hoarded by porn-mongers (apologies for those who found this out the hard way!) and our members were scattered to all four corners of the earth.

But now we have officially reformed with more members than before! And so a new EOA chapter is reborn. But of course, I can't just leave the previous tale untold. With many chapters to go until the final conclusion I have no choice but to officially summarise what happened to end the war with the EOA and the BUFWTTOTWGPLC and the events afterwards, leading eventually to the reformation of the EOA.

So in our previous chapter, Tailos unveiled his new plan… The Sarcasm Bomb and Miller was stuck in Sue's tent as she tried to dislodge him from the roof with a broom so he could do his job and 'make with the seducing'.

And so all seemed likely to fail, even more so when Alexman disappeared just as Tailos made his mind up to unleash his most powerful weapon and headed into the enemy camp, SSWFM and the Abominable Spursman forced to follow. Sam and Merri'scouse'man excused themselves and disappeared, strangely sporting suitcases and plane tickets to some far-off holiday resort.

All hope seemed lost as Tailos approached the camp of their enemies. Tucker tried vainly to save his leader with a suicidal charge terrorist-esque with bombs strapped to his clothes. Sadly, he didn't know they were Alexman's 'skin-be-gone' devices that he hadn't yet found a use for and with a final pirate-like speech of bravado he detonated, only for all his skin to dissolve. The fishermen took his bones for 'recreational' purposes.

Tailos inhaled a breath to begin his final, desperate throw of the dice, only for the dice roll to land on a one and his 'sarcasm check' to fail miserably. Unleashing weak taunts like "your hair looks oily" and "you smell of nappies", the fishermen closed in on them, drooling. SSWFM and the Abominable Spursman made a run for it, while Tailos stayed bravely, preparing his rusted, hardly-used martial-artist stance to fight.

Then Alexman returned the scene, having luckily found a couple of half-charged radian crystals on Ebay that had been delivered using the usually corrupt EOA Mailling service™. With that power he had finally created his ultimate weapon – The Tower of Flame That Shoots Flames From A Tower™. Sadly, the tower's power came from the North Sea according to Alexman's calculations and he was using an EOA-brand compass that got the directions horribly wrong… And he accidentally set the EOA hideout on fire.

The distraction was enough for Sue to go and see what was happening… and find Tailos preparing to fight his way through an army of mighty and rape-hungry fishermen. Her rage became unchecked as she faced down the man who had blocked her on msn for nearly five months. The fight was pretty straight forward as Tailos got mashed; yet Sue's powers left a residue that Miller accidentally walked into as he was trying to sneak away. He suddenly gained awesome super powers – the power to sense all angsty people within a one-mile radius and the power to spurt blood at people through his wrists all angsty-like. Sadly, his angsty sense picked up 'Althalus' and Sue and went into overdrive, driving him to the floor with a humongous headache.

Sue was distracted and her powers lost control again and this time Tailos was assimilated in the residue and gained powers too – the power to absorb all caffeine within a ten-mile radius into his body. He used is powers to immediately heal. Seeing she was at a disadvantage, Sue fled.

With his demon driven away, 'Althalus' ordered a mass strike on the remaining EOA members to crush them.

Alexman returned to the scene but tripped on his robes in his haste, activating a secret and hidden switch that was so secret and hidden he didn't know he'd made it and stuck it to his back. The switch activated a homicidal/suicidal rage in all of his previous failed experiments and they suddenly rushed to the scene to aid their endangered master. Monsters like the famed Judo-Elephants and Parrots-That-Cannot-Fly attacked the fishermen, driving them back and giving Miller, Tailos and Alexman a chance to escape the fighting intact.

In the remains of the hideout SSWFM, who was driven insane by the threat of rape in the front-line tricked the Abominable Spursman into sitting onto Alexman's Catapult-Anything catapult and lobbed him directly at the fighting.

The explosion unleashed was apocalyptic, wounding or killing fishermen and experiments alike.

Miller, Tailos and Alexman were pulled from the wreckage of the battlefield by Sebster who was then tragically bitten by Alexman's latest experiment, the Zombie Amoeba and was chased away by a hoard of Anti-Zombie crows.

With the EOA scattered, things looked tragically bleak for two years or so with Alexman, Tailos and Miller being the only sole remaining members. Or so it seemed. A desperation plea two years later from Tailos and Miller brought new hope.

Merri'scouse'man humbly returned to those whom he had abandoned, bowing his head low. He had somehow grown a spine, though it was sometimes easily removed. Then Sue returned to the EOA after Tailos unblocked her. Her powers were dissipated to that of any normal Demon. Count Mitchula appeared to answer the call as well, wishing to become the official EOA torturer. A new face in the form of 'Master Tsu' also appeared one day to the EOA headquarters, though she was hard of hearing due to the mp3 player that she was constantly listening to and she seemed to lack eyesight due to having glasses with pictures of Johnny Depp stuck to the lenses.

The EOA members were changed almost irrevocably due to the battle and even those new members seemed to possess new powers. Mitchula had the power to bite people and paralyse them. Sue learned the art of Stealth-Suing and became the EOA laywer. Merri'scouse'man became ultra-anti-feminist and gained the powers to insult the whole female race in a mere sentence. Master Tsu kept the art of secrecy about whatever powers she possessed, though she WAS caught summoning tentacle monsters to rape someone who apparently insulted her

And so a new chapter of the EOA begins anew, ladies and gents. A time of terror shall be unleashed unto those who dare oppose the EOA! Those who join willingly shall be allowed to live as slaves. Those don't, won't.

Again, apologies to those who visited the old site. In fact, until someone mentioned it in a review I had NO idea the site was captured by porn-mongers. We now have a NEW site, though it lacks work. At the moment, only the forum works but there's almost always people on there. We have people working on the site and it will contain things such as:

The EOA's own Agony Aunt

'How to Extract Information From Your Enemies'

The EOA's guide to relationships

Tailos 'How To…' articles on sarcasm and the like

And let's not forget stories and NEW webomics

The site address is in my bio . There is also a link to the forum. Feel free to join up. Joiners can help with the site by doing articles on ANYTHING they want and those who sign up will ALSO be permitted to create a character for the story/comics.

Except a brand new EOA chapter soon!