Something I wrote last year…ended up being in the literary magazine, and my friends liked it, so I thought it might be amusing to *someone*…if not, review and tell me why, please! Enjoy!
-- a m i d n i g h t k i s s
Polyphemus vs. the Ithacan Idiot
My eye hurts. No, I mean my eye really hurts.
I think yours would hurt, too, if it'd just been skewered by a red-hot pole by a sonofa—well, I won't stoop that low. Anyway, he's called Odysseus, son of Laertes, and the king of Ithaca. Yes, he was idiotic enough to tell me all that. Plus more. And of course, the fact that Odysseus is an idiot who couldn't count to ten if his life depended on it leads to the question of how a sorry fool like that could possibly blind a muscular, manly, strong, tall, better-than-the-gods, and most importantly modest, Cyclops shepherd like me. He cheated, though. It's not my fault. And you know, that Ithacan Idiot is famed for his genius, but personally, I don't think he has the brains of Ares. Yes, I can insult that bully of a so-called god because I, in fact, am Poseidon's son and Poseidon is way more powerful than Ares. Trust me, you don't wanna mess with my dad. He's one cool god.
But I digress.
See, it all started when I came back to my cave yesterday. Horror of horrors, I found human mortals in it! There's nothing like human mortals to ruin a good paint job, my mom always said. And sure enough, when I got inside my nice, cozy cave, the nice brown sheep-liver paint I slapped on the walls just last week was now a more 'muddy' instead of 'mahogany', if you know what I mean. Not exactly the effect I was going for.
I tried to take it. I tried to be nice. I went about my chores like nothing was wrong. I took care of my cute little sheep. I straightened up. I kept my cool. Until I got to the cheeses and skins of milk. More than half of them were gone.
Now, a Cyclops can take a lot. We're tolerant about a lot of things. But when you take my food and ruin my paint job and not to mention make a Zeus-threat on me…that's suicide. I mean, if there's one thing you don't do, it's to take a Cyclops' food. So it's really not my fault that I gave 'em a little Hades, right? They deserved a heckuva lot more trouble than little ol' me could hand out.
And trouble is what the Ithacan Idiot got.
I mean, I didn't do a lot. Heck, I only ate two of his men. Out of what, twelve? I figured it wasn't that bad. Obviously, they didn't agree with me. So I ate a couple more the next morning, just to shut them up. And lemme tell ya, crunchy Greek isn't the best way to start your day. Cap'n Crunch is much better.
To make a long story short, while I was out herding my sheep that day, those dirty little trespassers took my best hat-rack, sharpened it to red-hot in the fire, and got ready. I came in all happy and chomped up a couple more men (I added ketchup this time, tasted better). Then their leader, who identified himself as one Nohbdy, got me drunk! Drunk, I tell you! I will never forget the absolute indignity (it was amazing wine, though). Then, when I was sleeping and totally defenseless, they took their poker and stabbed me in the eye (hurt like crap, it did).
And that foul Greek tricked me! When I yelled to my fellow Cyclopes about Nohbdy, they all laughed at me and told me to go cry to my dad!
Then the stupid Greeks had the nerve to steal a ride out of my cave on my sheep! Even though I was blocking the door, they still had the nerve to sneak out! So, of course, I got mad and bounced a couple rocks after those stupid mortals and their ships. Seeing how I was blind, of course, they missed.
And that's when the Ithacan Idiot gave me the four-one-one all about himself. Speaking of which…Dad? A little help here?
-.- my idea of humor, up there. Hope you enjoyed! Bake me feedback muffins, please! ^.^
--a m i d n i g h t k i s s