A/N - don't be offended. Remember, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I just know that I am butt deprived.

For a while, I thought I was winning. I was sure of it. Guys were wearing jeans that were not seven sizes too big! They were walking around in normal fitting clothes, and even wearing, dare I say it, sweaters! And knit hats! And growing their hair longer, so it could spill out in curly glory from underneath the aforementioned knit hats! But recently, I read an article in my local newspaper that made my blood run cold with fear. It was titled "Men in Skirts: Not Such a Novel Idea"

The article, a sinister attempt to ruin my happiness, went on to list how men wore skirts all the time in past years, from the roman togas and battle skirts to the kilts in Scotland and the baptism outfits of little boys. As you may note, none of the aforementioned skirt covered butts are known for their sexy qualities. The article featured pictures of men in huge, flowing garments that extended from their waistline to the floor, completely obscuring not only their behinds, but their legs too! But, many of these models happened to be topless, and if it a requirement to be shirtless while wearing a skirt, then by all means, force all the boys to wear skirts! But somehow I don't think that would work with my school's dress code.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what this would do to the Observation of Male Ass Community(OMAC) We would be left watching men flaunt by, completely covered and loving it, or apparently not aware, because I have noticed, too, that most boys couldn't care less what they wear and simply put on whatever is on their floors that morning.

But that is not the point. Girls can wear short skirts and tights, and show off their butts. But there is not a single heterosexual girl out there who wants to see a boy in a mini skirt, heels, and with hairy legs inaptly covered by filmy, most likely ripped, stockings. The very idea makes me shudder and think of fashions of the early 1700's. Those men not only wore hats and tights, but they smelled bad too. Also, the only man who dresses up like that by choice is either an actor or a drag queen, and both are usually off limits.

Anyway, it's nice for all those dead men who wore skirts that we can look back and say thoughtfully and in quiet reverence, "You were a man who wore a skirt. We are glad you are dead." But isn't the point of looking back on history to not repeat past mistakes? Look at where the Romans are now. And the tight wearing Englishmen? I hardly need to tell you that they got leave of that unfortunate fashion years ago. The Scottish, unfortunately, are still sadly playing their bag pipes and saying, in an unintelligible accent, "You can tak away our lives, but you cannae tak away our freedom!" Repeating this in a skirt and monotone is a hassle to people trying to go about their daily lives. At least they only put on the kilts on holidays. But that is the beauty of the Scottish people.

Look boys, ignore this trend. It 'll be better for everyone. In fact, I think whoever brought up the idea of men wearing skirts should have pins stuck in their toenails every time they mention the words "skirt" and "man" in the same sentence. This time I call out to the boys. Rise up and say that you're not going to take this silliness.