The Evil Fiends of Today

To: The International Hungarian Mouse Super Villain Corporation

From: The Drunken Monkey King

When in the course of life, stuff and even more stuff happens, people have to band together and discuss such stuff. We have decided that the sins we have suffered, the slings and arrows that we have labored on under, shall stop. The haunting cries of our freshly lost dead shall be mercifully silenced, so that their shades may no longer feel forced to bear witness against your vile atrocities. Their plea for vengeance shall be answered, their blood lusty cry picked up. You shall not go unpunished, International Hungarian Mouse Super Villain Corporation!

There are certain truths on this mortal coil that will never be disproved. The first: you cannot trust an organization with a name like International Hungarian Mouse Super Villain Corporation. The second: you should not invite the shady questionable organization into your neighborhood. But despite these truths, there are still morons. Thus, how you came to us.

Did you never consider that we would retaliate for having all of our condescending felines shaved? That we would forever ignore your vociferous celebrations that march on into the small hours of the morning, denying us a chance to sink into the blessed realm of dreams!? Or that we'd ignore the two ton pile of garbage and debris that almost covers our entire block? Or that we would overlook your tiny mouse cars that only move at three miles per hour and yet still take up the whole road with benevolent clemency? Or did you suffer under the chronic delusion that I cherished each and every time you bit me when I was trying to use you as a hackey sack? Let us never let the memory of finding forty two mice celebrating with twenty two hamsters the exquisite magnificence of Christmas in my freezer. (However I do humbly beg your pardon for not letting you out until St. Patty's Day).

You have ignored and mocked our various endeavors for mediating a peace. Indeed, for conspiring with other animals against us, and for training ninja-assassin platypi, there can be no forgiveness. Your hideous evil cannot be contained as was shown at the shocking Big Scary Thing in the year 1995, when I showed you a pleasant game of "Mice Stompers", you yelled really loud.

Alas despite a lack of irrefutable evidence, I have ascertained that it was indeed you who tried to have me executed in 1997, while I lay sleeping in bed. Mice bullets don't work well on humans, do they? I also possess knowledge about that mysteriously vanishing 18 wheeler that plunged itself into my home. I know it was the International Hungarian Mouse Super Villain Corporation's soccer team that did it! Aye, and before you even answer, nay! They were drunk is not a good excuse!

But that is not even the worse of your vile transgressions. To threaten the police with "my cousin is Stuart Little and he'll have your badge, pork chop!" shows your true foul black pulsing heart. Then a blow that struck me to the very core. Hosting a party with Jerry the Mouse without even introducing us, only pushing me hurriedly aside while muttering, "Just a dang psycho kid, probably drugs," to him, only made my contempt and hatred boil into something more. I shall pay my vengeance back upon thee, oh foul miscreant spawns of Diablo Gonzales, Lucifer's evil immoral malevolent pet mouse!

So, we come to the end, my contemptible adversaries. Oh mousy predators, though you devour every bit of our cheese, and refuse to ever dance an Irish jig, I hereby decree independence from you in any of your forms! I will create my own misguided tyrannical semi-democracy! So proclaims the Drunken Monkey King!!!

PS-Your tails are really gross.

PPS-Like really really gross. Like so gross I'd have it surgically removed if I were you…