Dude, Where's My Carbon-Based Life Form?
(produced by Kevin Magpoc)

11:02 p.m. - non-specified college dorm

"Call me Ishmael."
"Okay, Ishmael dude. I'll have a double cheese extra-large pizza with anchovies and pepperoni on one half and pineapples and chicken on the other half."
"Argh, ye have the wrong number."
"Aw, dude!" Stu said as he hung up the phone in despair. "It's not even worth it now. I'm gonna go to sleep."
"You're going to sleep already? It's only eleven at night," Drew pointed out.
"I have to get up at noon for my new job."
"Man, that be...um..." Drew took a minute and a half to think of something to say in response. "When's the pizza gonna get here?"
"If he's not here in a half an hour, you get it free."
"Sweeeet."

1:15 a.m. - non-specified spaceship

"We have found the earth specimens," the generically unimaginative martian said in a monotone yet coincidentally English voice. The generically unimaginative spaceship hovered above the fraternity delta upsilon upsilon as it lowered its probing mechanism through the window of one of the dorms.

1:16 a.m. - non-specified college dorm

"Dude, stop probing me," Stu muttered sleepily.
"I'm not probing you," Drew answered, puzzled.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....who is?"
"Um, maybe the pizza guy's finally here."
"I don't think it's the pizza guy. I think it's - DAAAAAGH!"
"Dude, shut up." Stu rolled over and went back to sleep.

1: 17 a.m. - non-specified spaceship

The probing mechanism took Stu on an exceedingly uncomfortable voyage through the spaceship's inner bowels. It was a complicated assembly line of probes, electric shocks, probes, pistons, probes, centripetal tunnels, and more probes. The final stage was the most grueling of all: the college entrance essay! After the torment, Stu was taken to the main cockpit.
"Dude, where am I?"
"Quiet, Earth being!" the pilot shouted.
"Hey, little green dude, how do you know the name of my planet?" Taken aback for only a moment, the pilot used his superior intellect to formulate a reasonable cover-up.
"Sh-sh-shut up! You are not to talk. Olestra, utilize the de-volum- ater." The partner slapped a strip of duct tape over Stu's mouth.
"Mmm-mmm-mm-mph, dude!"
"That is not logical."
"It does not matter. Soon, we will arrive at Planet Diet Earth. It is identical to your home planet, with half the fat and less filling."
"Mmmmmmph?"

"Precisely!"

(to be continued...ish)