The Evolution of Testicular Pain

I've often asked

myself why it hurts

so much.

You know.

Getting hit there.

Oh, it(they) has(have) many names:

sack, ball, ball sack,

nuts, huevos, marbles,

virtually anything round

that can come in pairs,

and if, like

huevos and nuts,

they have something to do

with procreation—if they

are seeds—then all the


Anyway, the question still stands:

why does it hurt so much

getting hit there?

Well, looking at it from

an evolutionary standpoint,

there is a location of significant


If the entire purpose of breathing,

eating, dreaming is to pass on

one's genes (and,

if you think about it, it is) then

avoiding trauma to the testicular

area should be of prime importance

to a male.

            Prime importance!

Imaginary scenario: there are two

troupes of the same monkey living

in the same forest with the

males of the first expressing the pheno-

type for the "Tenderness gene" or

T-gene.  As a result,

these monkeys avoid,

at all cost,

slamming into trees crotch first,

losing balance on thin branches,

and if given the choice, would

far rather fall on their skulls

than on their monkey balls

if they were to fall out of the tree.

These are our ancestors.

The second troupe,


does not express the T-gene

and as a result do not

avoid testicular damage, instead

drawing significant sexual pleasure

from acts such as hammering

mangos into their nether regions

(or the African equivalent of the

mango, rather) and tying vines

where they shouldn't and

leaping from the tallest trees,

much to the chittering chagrin

of the female members of

the group.

These particular monkeys die

out within a season.

Thus, survival of the

most sensitive ensures

that only those careful with

their testicles are able to reproduce.

Or it could all be a cruel

little joke

on the part of God that

when I was nine and

tried to climb over

a wall, I rolled

one of my nuts and

never climbed that wall


It could


coincidence, but

            I doubt it….